Reviews for The League of Legends Vol 1
Afalstein chapter 10 . 12/30/2013
I'm only just noticing that you foreshadowed Ripley's headaches as early as this. No real sign of Wolf's paranoia, but then you got to that later.

So I have to say, at this point in the story, I thought that you were making Snake into a perfect character. He beats everyone, he sneaks in everywhere, breaks all shields, woos all women... Sonic is a total fanboy. So I was very much worried that the story would turn into "Snake is awesome" fic. Of course, he disappeared too quickly for that to be an issue.

I was beginning to sense that this wasn't following the game, but I thought that you would still have most of the elements, leading me to think that Project Z was the subspace guns they carry around, and Project X and Y were the uber-big cannon that Ganon and Bowser deploy at the end, and the subspace bombs.

I didn't like Peach's development. I get that it makes her a more real character, and in some ways I grew to like the new character, but she seemed so easily rattled, and I was VERY disappointed in the explanation of her romance with Mario as simply being "the most eligible person available." Didn't you say just a few chapters ago that Peach was used to turning aside other men's attentions?

Zelda I liked, though, with the old-fashioned language. I'll talk more about that, but that's better left for another chapter.
Afalstein chapter 9 . 12/30/2013
Your Ganondorf is... interesting. He's a really chilling villain in his own right, affably evil and disturbingly effective at using the iron hand in the velvet glove. At the same time, he doesn't feel anything like the Ganondorf from the games at ALL. Ganondorf from the games is eloquent, but brooding and egotistical, and certainly more regal than this sociallite seems to be. I suppose you needed an affable force to get all the villains to unite, but I'm really not sure how to feel about him, even now.

Captain Falcon's description of his relationship with his vehicles was SO funny, totally in keeping with his personality and what had already been established. Nicely done, sir.

And now that I look at it, Bowser's comment about Dedede is in this chapter. Ah well.
Afalstein chapter 8 . 12/30/2013
"I'm not human, and my voice frightens small children." A great line by Metaknight. Looking back, this hug scene has a lot more significance than I first gave it. It seemed an amusing yet pointless episode at the time, but with Pit's origin in mind, it really is quite heartening.

Mewtwo's presence completely threw me for a loop. Wasn't expecting him at all. Though Wario and Metaknight's recognition of his 'voice' ("something about the timbre and pitch...") was hilarious.

I liked Peach's entrance. Poised and capable, above all the males vying for her attention, she radiated exactly the sort of invincible sweetness portrayed in the game-she may be imprisoned, but she's used to it,and thoroughly unaffected by all the bad blood around her.
Afalstein chapter 7 . 12/30/2013
Heh. Luigi is hilarious. "...five other japanese words..." Old joke, but still funny, particularly in this context. Glad you didn't go for the "angsty forgotten brother" route... here the reason Luigi isn't famous is because he's legitimately a coward. I like Luigi, but at the same time, I like Mario more. And the fact that he wasn't even recognized by anyone OR remembered by the LOL. Great stuff.

I liked DeDede's portrayal here too... a fat yet gregarious penguin who's just incredibly greedy. I was more familiar with the irascible version presented in the anime show, but this seemed more in keeping with the game. I thought Bowser's comment about Dedede was meant to foreshadow the penguin's eventual subversion of Tabuu. (kinda disappointed you never did anything with that... it was one of my favorite parts of the game.)
Afalstein chapter 6 . 12/26/2013
And here was where I was really surprised, and began to sense that this story was really doing its own thing instead of anything like the subspace plot. Having Wario join the band was unexpected, and struck me as unnecessary, but of course you eventually developed him into quite another character. Again, the LOL seems a bit too trusting here, taking Wario on the strength of some scribbled insults, but eh.

A word here about Princess Peach... I liked how she was a sensible person undergoing actual suffering, and also how it presented her as being in love with Mario. Later you went away from her actually being in love with him, to simply having him be the best thing in the Mushroom Kingdom (though it seems here as though Peach has met other men before), and I missed the old tenderness presented here.
Afalstein chapter 5 . 12/26/2013
Not a whole lot to talk about here, though I did like the language difficulties you presented. And it was nice to meet two more of Bowser's children and get a picture of the wider situation here. Also got a better idea of Wario's character. I was really surprised at how much time you spent on him, given that he's neither the most interesting villain in the subspace emissary nor, to my mind, in the Nintendo canon.
Afalstein chapter 3 . 12/25/2013
Emo Pit was a surprise, particularly as his appearance in the game is very NOT-emo. Granted, this came around and I liked what you did with it later, but at the moment I had mixed feelings because a) emo characters can get annoying, and b) though you declared Pit to be emo, he didn't really seem to be-apart from his music and occasional asides, he seemed pretty happy-go-lucky, which balanced out the risk of annoyingness, but still felt off.

Also was surprised by Falcon's constant language (which later disappeared), because it felt so at odds with Nintendo's atmosphere of kid-friendly. This was only the start of it, of course. You may want to rate this fic M, by the way.
Afalstein chapter 2 . 12/25/2013
An intriguing decision, to eliminate all the heroes right at the start of your story. Necessary, obviously, for your premise of a planetary takeover instead of a multiversal competition. Still, I wonder if you relished the thought of saving the planet with B-listers (except for Sonic, obviously). The idea of all the heroes disappearing quietly and without fuss is appropriately creepy, and I was astonished at the efficiency behind Falcon's near assassination. As again I was working from the assumption that this would be a straight-up novelization of the subspace emissary, I assumed that Mario and the others were being held in a battle arena somewhere. And that the "fruit liner" you casually mention toward the end was the load of Bananas the Kongs are pursuing in the opening.

I forgot to say, the premise of the different game companies as different planets was new, and you do a good job of picturing Nintendo as a fully realized land with separate countries. I don't think it quite holds up, but it's fun.
Afalstein chapter 1 . 12/25/2013
I read all this story, but do to some flub-up on the site, could not post my comments till now. This is a criminally underrated story-innovative, humorous, and bursting with all sorts of geek references. Not to mention a few intriguing philosophical underlying themes. Accordingly, I'd like to add my thoughts, though of course, submitting it after the fact means that my memory will distort things a little.

This first chapter confused me a great deal, as I was expecting the story to roughly follow the Subspace Emissary storyline-which as you point out on your profile, it most certainly does not. Starting from Sonic's POV was a bold choice, though a wise one, as he's a useful 'normal' to put in the place of the audience-being as clueless as they. Was surprised at his draining the Chaos Emeralds-thought they couldn't be extinguished, at least not for long. But his having them on Nintendo would be a bit much of a power spurt.

Captain Falcon is hilarious. A strange mash-up, yet on reflection, an utterly fitting one. I mistook Kracko for the incessant clouds that bother you throughout the game, and was surprised at how tough it was. Also was confused by Falcon's talk of "LOVE," which I suppose was the point.
EggplantWitch chapter 17 . 8/28/2010
Like seemingly everyone else who has reviewed this story, all I can do is praise it. It doesn't really seem like just a fanfic, its more like literature. Its funny, its descriptive, its exciting...its going to be difficult for me to wait for Vol 2.
dolomiteisgod chapter 17 . 7/27/2010
Amazing in every way, shape, and form. Can't wait for #2.
Ze Dybbuk chapter 17 . 5/31/2010
Fantastic! Epic and engrossing! Okay, instead of spouting a bunch of positive adjectives, I'm going to actually tell you what I liked so much about your story. Straight up.

You kept things action-packed. In every single "part" there were new, exciting developments and fresh events that kept the story moving at a breakneck pace. I have literally just sat here and typed and deleted four or five different sentences just because I cannot express how important this is. Especially on sites like this where most contributors are casuals or amateurs, the fatal flaws in many stories are the long-winded, minimally important paragraphs of explanation or dawdling. This is often a sign that the author did not plan his story out, and, more often than not, isn’t going to end up going anywhere with it. This was a worry I did not have to consider while reading LOL; the health of the plot was an assurance of your competence as a writer.

Absolutely, by and far, the BEST thing about League of Legends is the characters. Not only is each of our eight heroes fighting together in their common interest of disbanding LOVE, but each also possesses a personal mission, as was so elegantly and movingly declared by Mewtwo before he decided to blow himself up. It’s this fact combined with the stirring realism of each that makes them such multi-dimensional powerhouses. Their actions are believable without being overly predictable (predictability, if I may add on a tangent, is something that this story did not suffer at the hands of one bit). Bowser, for example, had let Snake go in order to get back at Ganondorf, a move that might have seemed counter-intuitive had it not been for all the passages leading up to this revelation that described how Ganondorf was constantly undermining Bowser’s authority and making him look like a fool. At this point, it makes sense that Bowser would find removing a threat to LOVE a less pressing priority than exposing Ganondorf’s weaknesses.

In the name of improvements, I guess I could make a couple suggestions, although nothing revolutionary. Towards the end of one later chapter, you wrote from the perspectives of each leaguer as a means of providing some otherwise invisible insight into their thoughts and feelings. I thought that this was a good idea, and surprisingly well-executed too (the plot did not pause so each of them could take a turn; the LOL was still progressing through Kanto), although it might have been better off being spread out over the whole act instead of lumped together in one chapter. Also, there were a few places where the tone seemed a bit inconsistent, such as Lyn’s swift recovery after Roy’s death. I understand that, in writing a comedy, you might have been trying to keep things light, but even granted this the transition seems a tad forced and unbelievable. But at this point I’m really just nitpicking and I think I’m gonna shut up.

In conclusion, this story rocked my socks. It’s so nice to read a fanwork that a lot of effort clearly went into, especially one that’s at the same time so entertaining and intelligent. I blissfully lost several hours of sleep over it, and might just do a backflip of happiness when you get the next part up. You, sir or madam, are totally awesome and have made my week. Whoop whoop hooray!
hawktakesflight chapter 17 . 5/27/2010
Brilliant. ...I don't know what else to say.

From the old characterisations of the LOL to the fearsome fake-Ness, Lucas or Porky, it's well done through and through. Porky's allowing the LOL to blow up the barrier does seem very improbable, but, as seen with Galleom he isn't the brightest bulb on the tree.

I'll admit - Zelda as a "practising transvertite" made me grin.

Thank you for the journey. It seems like it's only just begun, but it's been so enjoyable so far. All hail the Balladeer!

hawk
hawktakesflight chapter 16 . 5/27/2010
I can't believe I didn't review this earlier.

It's amazing, the effort you put into your descriptions - without being overly long or wordy, you make it sound so much more interesting and - real. Eagleland definitely carries that aura of creepiness and illusion, and I really can't wait to see what happens next.

Amazing too how you manage to keep up the alternative storylines, especially the one about SubSpace.

All in all, another great chapter.

hawk
doggiefan chapter 17 . 5/26/2010
Wow! This is going to be in volumes! I already loved this story! I can't wait for the next one. But... one thing is still bothering me... what happened to the captured heros?
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