|Reviews for Outcasts of the Darker Days|
| Guest chapter 1 . 12/18/2013
THIS IS STUPID THE ONLY REASON IM REVIEWING IS BECAUSE I WILL NOT LET MYSELF TROLL LAWLCLAN TILL TOMORROW.
THIS IS STUPID YOU WHORE. SHUT THE FUCK UP AND STOP FUCKING WRITING.
| Guest chapter 1 . 10/4/2013
I . . . am . . . GOD. . . And . . . I . . . declare . . . this . . . story . . . not . . . one . . . of . . . your . . . best . . .
done trolling people jimmie?
| you know youve been busted chapter 1 . 9/26/2013
great story but you should still try to include some of you old writing style... like this piece you wrote a couple of months ago...
""I genuinely hope you kill yourself. I think the world would be a better place without disgusting cretins like yourself. You're the type of person that makes me want to puke. You're horrible and I hope you die a slow, painful death. I would laugh so hard. Seriously. I promise you.""
you can almost smell the troll in that one! you should use it again...
| thadudeman chapter 4 . 5/7/2010
This is pretty good writing, and it pulled me into the story very well. At many points, I could see the characters with their facial expressions and hear them talk. You made good use of imagery in this writing. However, there were quite a few problems with the structure of your sentences.
There were a few technical errors that I saw while reading this. Here's some examples:
"The two dragons nod to each other in parting and Bayne pushes off into the open sky, soon to disappear over the horizon."
"Onyx hangs his head in mock sorrow and pretends to cry, making Proletariat think he struck a nerve. Kiwi, realizing Onyx's trick, played along by putting on a look of utter disgust."
The verb tenses in these sentences are in the present. This cannot be done in a third person narrative story. It can only be done in(true) script form, which is against the rules of the site. Don't worry, though; I'm not going to report you. ;)
There were a couple of run-on sentences I noticed.
"Onyx's face lit up and an obnoxious grin grew upon his face. "Well, too bad I didn't really care, thanks for the complements though."
"Yes, I know. I'm shorter than her, so are you."
The second sentence in the first example is a run-on. As you probably know, those two sentences should be either separated, or joined with a semi-colon. The second example should have a coordinating conjunction following the comma.
Despite the fact that the emotion of the characters could usually be felt very easily throughout the chapter, there were a few hindrances to the flow of the text due to a dependence on dialogue, making it feel a bit choppy. Here's one instance:
"You have pulled back all of the troops, correct?"
"To what do they number?"
"I believe somewhere around a thousand."
"Hmm. Seems without my leadership the numbers have dwindled. It can be easily repaired, however. I have no further orders at this time, Necrox; you have done well for one such as yourself."
"Um, thank you sir."
"Soon I must find a new vessel. I cannot accomplish anything by inhabiting such a weakling. I have a few prime candidates in mind, as soon as I can find them."
"How are you going to do that, master?"
No imagery was created here. The words kind of sat on the page. They didn't have the feeling behind the words like most of the chapter had. Facial expressions, writing "he replied/retorted" after the character speaks, statements of feeling etc. could have all been added here to let the story be more appealing to the senses. Considering you did that with the majority of the chapter, it should have been done here as well.
Despite a few errors and shortcomings, I thoroughly enjoyed this. You written emotion is spot-on, and imagery was prevalent throughout. Keep writing, man. You're doing very well.
A fellow author,
| Phoenix Firewing chapter 4 . 5/5/2010
Really getting good now :)
| Polaris the dragon chapter 4 . 5/5/2010
Cool Malefor is using the old orochimaru regeneration trick
| Oxyphyr chapter 4 . 5/4/2010
Only a couple of small mistakes, but other then that, a wonderful addition to our story.
| Alec the Dark Angel chapter 4 . 5/4/2010
Oh, Onyx, that jokester!
I kinda feel like Necrox wasn't afraid of Void's power when he was told to summon him. They may be on the same side, but I feel that Void should still be a bit more intimidating...when faced anyway.
~The Angel of Darkness, Alec~
| Daring Tombstone chapter 3 . 4/28/2010
A five hundred thousand word story huh? To me it sounds like your counting your chicken before they hatch. The average adult novel consists of sixty to a hundred thousand words on average. But who cares right?
But if you update every 5 to 7 days then maybe you'll get a hundred thousand by then end of the year meaning it will take five years to complete this.
May your path be true and road remain clear
Flame, the ever so forgotten dragon, out.
| thadudeman chapter 3 . 4/28/2010
Not too bad, but it was a bit like stale bread.
1) There was a very large issue with your verb tenses. When you narrate in third person, in almost all cases, you need to keep the story in past tense. For example(s):
"Lativa finds Valentine just exiting her room..."
"Schonheit just takes a deep breath and falls asleep..."
Present tense doesn't fit the context. You can only do that if the story is in(true)script form, which is not permitted on this site. Use past tense verbs for third person narration next time you write.
Another small issue was the little issue of unnecessary CAPS RAPE in the final sentence. I know I've done it as well, but was that really necessary? It just makes the writing seem amateurish.
There were a couple of statements that didn't really fit the context. For example:
"Jericho shuddered with fear of Void, that was one dragon you did not want to piss off."
The "piss off" comment was a bit newbish, and was not necessary to complete the thought. Why dis Jericho not want to piss him off? Explain a little. Enlighten your readers. The sentence was also a run-on. It either needed a semi-colon, or a comma followed by a conjunction. Otherwise, it's incorrect.
This is not shabby, but it needs some improvement. Keep at it.
| Alec the Dark Angel chapter 3 . 4/25/2010
JizzCake - NO TROLLS! I know you're a troll and not a flamer because a flamer criticizes a story. A troll however criticizes the person. Also, never bring someone's family into a criticism like that. That's just proving how much of a lowlife you really are. If you have a problem, it's with the writer, NOT HIS FAMILY!
Chapter 3 was good. Short, but good. I like how Void was described. *Evil laugh*
~The Angel of Darkness, Alec~
| Phoenix Firewing chapter 3 . 4/25/2010
I think its really good so far :D
| Robot War's 4Ever chapter 2 . 4/22/2010
I would like to point out something. One you have spelt Phoenix Firewing's character Forest wrong second from what i've read Forest has only one son and that is Firedrake Autumn is his daughter so why have you put he has to sons? I am sorry if I sound like I am only pointing one thing out of everything else but I feel this needs to be changed.
Also I agree with thedudeman about what he says about the dragon/dragoness's apearence.
Other than that I have so far found the story quite good.
| thadudeman chapter 2 . 4/18/2010
This chapter has some decent description, but the lack of emotion or feeling behind the words is a bit of a turn-off for me. For example:
"A green male dragon with a gold underbelly sat next to a fire, his tail in the middle of it making the flame raise high in the sky. He stared at it, wondering. He didn't know what to do. He was confused. His small trance was ending when he saw a light blue dragoness with an aqua blue underbelly came and sat close to him."
1) There was no real feeling behind any of the words. It actually seemed like a formula:
-First he did this. Then he did this. He felt like this. Then she came and sat down next to him.-
It needs more feeling. Imagery cannot be created from this kind of writing. Everyone has different styles, but this particular style gets choppy and uninteresting after awhile. Let the words flow more.
2)It seems that your main description is the color of a dragon followed by the color of their underbelly...every...single...time. It grows monotonous and stops the reader from being able to create imagery as they read. I know that there are a lot of OCs that you need to describe and that makes it hard to give good imagery on all of them, but don't create a formula that you need to follow for each dragon. It gets rather dull after awhile and turns off the reader to what is on the page.
3) The tenses of the verbs were disproportionate many times throughout the chapter. Let me refer back to my previous example:
"His small trance was ending when he saw a light blue dragoness with an aqua blue underbelly came and sat close to him."
It should say "come and sit close to him." Otherwise, you have past and present tense verbs in one sentence, which is grammatically incorrect. There were many sentences that contained this same error.
Another little issue I had was the pace at which the story was moving. It looked like far too much of this chapter consisted of dialogue followed by "Then they did this." It became increasingly dull and I didn't find a whole lot of motivation to continue reading.
Seeing as though you are rushed by a very difficult time limit of three days, I can most definitely understand these errors and issues in the story. I encourage you to keep writing, Bud. You're not too shabby.
| Phoenix Firewing chapter 2 . 4/18/2010
Wicked chapter this story is going to be really good :D