Reviews for What If?
Sixstringsamurai83 chapter 1 . 6/20/2014
First
i think you captured EVERYONE except Harry perfectly But that isn't a bad thing
See i think you captured harry how he SHOULD have been In the Stress of that Tournament being alone and person male or female would have noticed the Help of a good friend and that would have made feelings come out so Bravo SIr, or Bravo Miss
also Harry's awfully romantic I kinda DIg it
-Jesse-
Guest chapter 3 . 6/10/2014
It really seems a lovely story – I just wish you’d found someone to clean up the spelling.
Runecutter chapter 20 . 6/9/2014
Nice ending and a lot of fluffy filling to make it a bit more pleasant than the wartimes were. ;)
Well i still stay with my admonition that you could have written a bolder story if you'd dared to drop more of the canon stuff and just went with the dynamics your own changes would have created in the wizarding world and their lives, but even in this... subdued variant of such a story you've still managed to create a whole trough of worthy ideas and great moments, of which you deservedly can and should be proud.
As for author notes... well if you need them to give informations out that didn't fit in the story itself you've done something wrong. Sorry. And i do not understand what you meant with Lilly was there at the wedding?
Runecutter chapter 18 . 6/9/2014
Why does this slimy, worthless, creepy Psycho need to lie to the already overwhelmed rests of the defenders like that (that Harry had to beg for their lives and was pathetic at that time?) Big bad Lord Voldemort too important to keep with the truth? Or so desperate to create his own legend?

Pomfrey lied also. How nice to know that the adults in your life will betray you every-bloody-single-time you need them... Where was Hermione brought into a secure place when it proved to be hopeless? Yes, i understand that the story needs her here and able to destroy the nasty little Earthworm of Tom's... but then you should not have let her MAKE the promise in the first place. Despicable Behavior, even for a Nurse.

Well which brings me to Dumbledore... Same old, same old. Funny how he regressed to his pre-confrontation ways and grandfatherly "i know best what you need and don't need to know and do" ploys... A true Sleightofhand Trickster if there ever was one.
Runecutter chapter 15 . 6/8/2014
you've forgotten the fight over Little Whinging, it's now FIVE times they've crossed Wands... or magic

Yeah, Molly is a special number. It's pretty safe that she neither took shifts at the ministry to guard the prophecy in the DoM nor was she ever mentioned as one of Harry's minders on Privet Drive... Basically the only time we ever get her to see in a fight is the very last battle where they scrapped out the bottom of the barrel because it was all or nothing... sadly JKR decided to make her look good by letting her kill Bellatrix... as if.
Even if you do not count her deluded world view of "Ron and Hermione and Harry and Ginny should come together", she still has dangerous views long after the teens have been baptised by fire and deserve to be taken serious... Just look at how she nags around everything any of her brood ever makes a decision on... Bill, Charlie and the twins never can do well enough to please her, while the moronic idea of Percy that to throw morals overboard in exchange for a shining career in asskissery and lickspittledom will bring him fame and power... Yet all his "promotions" see him as another soulless minion for a career politician in the ministry, but his attitude seems to inflate his big head every step of the way as if he already changed the wizarding world by writing his cauldron bottom thickness reports, by hiding Mr Crouch's illness or suspicious behavior and whatever it is he later on does for Scrimgeour... He clearly shows a slytherinesk lack of courage, conscience and common sense as to when follow rules and when to step in between injust laws and those they're aimed at... Still Molly fawns about him like he shat golden eggs, regardless of how callous he acts towards her... The woman has no brains, no ability to judge character and no brain-mouth filter... a lot like Ron if he could give a damn about anything else than feeding and playing silly games.

Yes they should not be forced to fight in a war. But no adult ever has managed to protect them from being affected by the war. They have seen friends die, they have been attacked witht he intent to maim or kill them, they have had to run and fight for their lives... it's time to help them survive instead of lying through your teeth that this is not their war and they should not worry or bother with it...

well, shouldn't Harry have commented on the fact that Dumbledore left him the mission to destroy the last Horcruxes? That's a big hint that he wanted him to step up at the front of the Order and lead them, isn't it? Then there is the "Chosen one" thing (Which actually like the prophecy is mostly over as he hasn't got the "neither can live" part anymore hanging over him, the safety line inside his head is gone, Riddle will be mortal before they meet for their final duel...) and that he already led the DA...

Although the thing with the Unforgivables is stupid. You do not need a Death Curse to kill. And as a Marine you should know that (you don't need a Rifle or pistol either, nor a tank or fighterjet do you?). And you do not need to kill to take the wankers definitely out of the fight. Copy Lockharts bone remover from second year on arms and legs and they will need 12-20 hours of Skelegrow to get back in fighting shape... (using it on skull or breast cage might even be lethal, if necessary.) in any case an enemy that cannot lift a hand to throw magic at you can only glower importently at you.
You can use the method McGonagall (after the treatment Umbridge used on her, five, six stunners at once sent her to the hospital for days if not weeks...) and simply overpower them with stunning spells once they're floored. Explosive hexes, slicing or piercing hexes, cutters, even banishers can be deadly if used correctly and with much power.
Not every spell is countered by Finite or Enervate... be creative and use things with complicated countercurses, use transfiguration or conjuration to make them into Han Solo like Icicles inside blocks of frozen CO2... quicksandtraps that then are glazed over will also work like charms... And of course always snap or burn their wands as soon as you can. What use is it for them to be enervated if they cannot continue to fight because they no longer have their magical stick?

Yes they need to start fighting to keep the enemy out of the fight for good. either dead or so severely hexed or injured that they need hours of attention to return to a more normal state... And in addition using only a handful over overpowered spells you really know well and can cast in your sleep means you can concentrate on evading being hit but hitting yourself as often as possible. No long debate what funspell to use next... just batter them just like it says in the old US Army motto... there is no kill like overkill ;) Let Voldemort try to stutter out six syllables for his fancy green lightshow... in that time you can make it look like the showdown in "Sorcerors Apprentice" by flooding him with simpler incantations... a machinegun against a sharpshooter's rifle...

AHHH there you are again. The whole scene with the locket's destruction is once more briliant HP ficwriting. It may not be too dissimmilar to the book/movie versions directed at Ron, but it fits Harry's fears and personal vulnerabilities perfectly. Fine, absolutely fine!
Runecutter chapter 14 . 6/8/2014
Too friggin similar to the books. You've changed so much over that whole period, by now there should be real consequences showing. It's ugly enough that you shirked back from your own storyline that Draco was going to be expelled and had him back in the HBP plot.. now they are still hanging on to the awful TDH escape plan AND the wedding on the eve of the hot war phase? The Ministry is still not prepared for the attack and falls so easily despite so much around Harry, Dumbledore and Sirius changing so they'd have had lots of time to better prepare?
Your writing still is good. It's enjoyable to read and all. It's just that the storyline and plot are slowly fraying out and losing all specialness and surprise factor. Why do you follow so close on JKRs steps that Harry AND the Order are once more reactive and only do anything after the opposition has made their moves? That passiveness was the utmost torture during all of Deathly Hallows. Next to nothing happened because Harry and his two sidekicks wanted it... and what they planned was insane (Ministry and Gringotts break ins) and should have gotten them killed. A trained Marine should be able to come up with lots of better plans and battle strategies than JKR did. And stay loyal to the story title.. WHAT IF?

And after all the effort you put into adding snide remarks into the discussion atop the lightning struck tower last chapter you could not come up with enough sarcasm to offer that Victor should come back after he faced HIS first Dark Lord four to six times and stayed alive... ? Manlier than the BWL indeed. *snort* Can't even throw off Crouchies Imperius the git and wants to pose like a peacock?

Also DRESS? why wouldn't they wear robes at Hogwarts for the funeral or at the Burrow for the wedding ceremony?
Runecutter chapter 12 . 6/8/2014
Not quite so impressive... while the idea of Riddle taking over management while the shop was abandoned had some novelty value, it wasn't executed very convincingly... the man is a worse spy/covered asset than Snape.
And a Patronus killing of the bad, hateful spirits... usually you try to avoid this kind of shallow cliché.
Why did the spirits of his family show up in the open? Ten minutes later they would have had a chance to bond exclusively with Harry and Hermione as Dumbles isn't a part of the family and will have time enough to ask for forgiveness once his mortal coil has ended the shuffling bit very soon... The whole thing wasn#t as effectful as it could have been. A chance lost.

Also the spelling got even worse than before.
Runecutter chapter 11 . 6/8/2014
You must be kidding... Which review typed in ten seconds is worth the effort of writing OR reading afterwards?

But if you insist: Boah, AWESOME. Wonderful, Great. YAY! *grunt*, *scratch*, *Sniff*

*shudder* Now i feel unclean.

But seriously. You've played well with the elements known from the book and juggled witht hem to a great deal of effect. The poisoned mead was especially vicious as to that time i didn't even think anymore it might be coming... after all hadn#t Draky-Poo been already removed?
And the scene in the afterlife was mean... so much mushyness, tears and heartbreak in so few lines. How can you be manly irritated about Ginny the bitch if you follow it up with such a moment? (Although it is a little bit weird that he only meets his parents and not e.g. all four of his great parents which also must have been on his mind rather often... the Potters because they died before Lily and James and the Evans because of their two grossly different children...

It's almost completely enjoyable to follow this new alternate variant, with some small exemptions like "defiantly" when it should be definitely or beezor instead of bezoar.
Two things reach out especially high... the theory about Newbloods and Poorbloods (How else could you describe the quality of blood that brings forth such grandiose spirits as Malfoy?) was a joy to read and think about and the ease with which you make Dumbledore seem helpful, open and cooperative with out heroes is also a wonderful aspect of your writing. Seen lot of worse attempts at making him likeable...

The only thing i'm completely against is the idea of poisoning Harry and then sending him back to the living world... without any treatment, without any magical cure, without even Phoenix tears... Having the option to return a soul into a body is a fine thing, but it won't help you if all the synapses and body reactions are blocked down by the consequences of a bad case of poisoning.
Setting a new battery or tank into a totalled car won't make it back into a Formula racer either...
So nope... the killing curse as "clean" way to dispose of a soul/lifeforce and leave open the uninhibited return when the soul is not accepted in the beyond&after is one thing, poisoned death and reawakening is quite another story and sadly it does not work like you want it to.
Deathbender's Vamwolf chapter 20 . 5/31/2014
I guess Lily's vision came true. Harry will have a happy and joy filled life after the war. Through I have one question.
In order from Voldemort to die, Hermione has to kill the last Horcrux which was Nagini right? How did Hermione destroy it though? She sent a Patronus at Voldemort's soul. I am really confused here!
DJ8210 chapter 20 . 5/17/2014
Your story needs serious editing, but the thought process was nice. A little too rushed at first.
Marydee 48 chapter 11 . 5/12/2014
LOVE YOUR STORY LOVE YOUR WRITING STYLE NEVER CHANGE ! Harry and Hermione Forever!
Runecutter chapter 10 . 5/9/2014
Watching your beloved sleep at night is not weird. If both of you are aware where the other one sleeps during that night and you just awake for some time and while trying to get to sleep again watch her or him in their sleep it's absolutely normal and healthy.
Breaking and entering into houses whose owners you aren't even acquainted with to watch a totally strange girl sleep IS creepy. And if you're the one who knows you're oh so much in love with the girl in question but she neither knows nor is agreeable to the fact it steps out of creepy territory and goes right over into the counties of disturbing, disgusting and unnatural... stay on that route and you'll end up with criminal records for it.

Cue in the incredible age difference (and yes, now you Buffy/Angel and Buffy/Spike shippers also are invited to cringe! :D) and it's no longer believable how many people just sicken me by loving and romanticizing such behavior and the "characters" showing it. :(

And sorry to disagree once more... Ginny CAN be a valuable girlfriend for Harry. She just needs to be written completely different from the books giving her a lot of the maturety and attractiveness that Hermione showcases and fill in the moon crater like gaps in her personality and general description that JKR left there going from "was she even AT Hogwarts" during the tournament to "oh she's hot" as almost the only description during the DA sessions to "i feel a beast in my breast, it must be undying love!" in the book-that-shall-not-be-named.
Ginny mainly suffers from this lack of real development and "sudden reappearance" syndrome when she is needed to become the major love interest of his greeneyed seekeriness...

Herons on the other side should be put out of their misery with extreme prejudice and as excessive a use of violence as humanly possible. Who in their right mind could ever see those two becoming a happy, healthy marries couple and not two mentally unhinged serial killers in less time than an average television advertisement break takes from the moment on where they begin "dating" *shudder*
For every working story where this ship was plausibly and without complete distortion of the characters told, there are a zillion out there that kill your brain when following the "logic" behind the two bumping uglies...

Basically i see it 180 degrees turned around from the way H/G Hr/R shippers argue for their preference... if anybody treats another person like a sister it's Harry whenever he has contact with Ginny. They share some fun moments, but mostly she's just annoying in her stubbornness to bump into his life when he does not really want to get to know her. Does Harry ever show a single sign that he could tell the name of any of Ginny's female friends? Or even her Gryffindor "one year below the BWL" roommates?
All we get forcefed is "she's attractive, witty (yeah and Phlegm was oh so clever a wordplay.. i hope you'll drop dead and go to hell if you find that funny) and loves Quidditch". Harry dates her for two months and this is the gist of his knowledge about this "girlfriend"... no future dreams, no silly little habits, not even the amount of stuff a NORMAL friend would find out over time about a school companion... oh and she looks like his dead mum. If that isn't creepy i don't know :D
Similarly you could argue for Ron and Hermione that they fight like real siblings (not "an old married couple"... couples that always fight end up divorced or with one half "six foot under" and the other half in Sing Sing)
And if all that still wasn't enough then Ron goes away during the horcrux hunt.
I would definitely not have taken back anybody who left me out in the wilderness to starve or die another kind of horrible death just because he wanted to eat better and sleep in a real bed instead of our tent... Yet we are made to believe that Hermione would? A brilliant and passionate young woman who always fought for truth, justice and equality?
Runecutter chapter 9 . 5/8/2014
Well i can't say i did not expect this. It still sucks, but i was prepared.

What i did not see before was the relaxed attitude both Grangers showed to the news about both pregnancy and Hermione partaking in warfare... don't get me wrong, i'm absolutely no fan of the overdone and seldom entertaining bad tempered dad routine but to have him sit there and talk so calmly was not what i'd think it would be... Miranda came closer as she actually asked "how", but it somehow does not really reflect the attitude i would expect from parents of a sixteen year old girl whose boyfriend is still fifteen and who both are dancing around the fringes of a deadly war...

Still the speech is a good one, both logically and emotionally and it's nice to share such a personal moment with others through your story. Especially as it IS so well formulated and thought through!

The summer months seem to me a bit skelettal... not nearly fleshed out, not nearly lifelike, just going through the motions and telling the absolute minimally necessary scenes to get the story going on... they don't train, they don't learn, they don't even have fun times together, it's just the few moments of grief and overcoming it and the opening of the OWL letter... d'oh... where did these months go? And why was there enough energy and space to retell the ridiculous "hiring Sluggy" scene but not for anything new in this three months period?

If Fred and George stayed until their examns in June they WOULD have to leave Hogwarts. It was after all their NEWT year and they would be finished with school after it :P (They are in third year when Harry gets sorted, so in Harry's fifth they've got their seventh year, ergo NEWTs. In OOTP they did not quite make it until the tests because of Umbridge, but you got rid of toadey way before that distraction was needed and so the twins would be complete and qualified adult wizards. A horrible thing to think, isn't it? :D

Oh Em Gee is the Ginny scene horrible. Wooden, stilted, absolutely not like anything any living, real person would ever say or do... and to top it off your grammar problems show up with a vengeance.. Could you maybe look up the differences between there, their, they're and soon? Maybe laying/lying too? (lay/laid/laid is indirect. you lay something (e.g. a wand) down. lie/lay/lain is active. If you go to bed you lie down. [and sometimes THEN get laid by somebody else :P] As this lie shares both some forms with lying as in telling the untruth (lie/lied/lied) and with the lay one it might be confusing and the proximity between telling the untruth and lie down might even cause some english speakers to rather err on the side of caution and use lay instead of wrongly mix up lie and lie... but there IS a difference and the more often you use the wrong form, the less sophisticated and well written your texts will look and be received as.)
Oh and when i'm on it with the grammar picking... weather is the state of sunshine or rain outside. whether is a conjunction roughly meaning the same as the words "if", "when" or "albeit" when connecting two sentence halfs. Often used in connection with "or" to show how two different conditions contrast (whether he wanted or not)

Remind me... WHY does Harry not just banish this bitch out of the Express Window? (I absolutely hate it when "basically okay" characters get in a verbal spat and instantly start using words like whore, hussy, tramp... you can have a low opinion of another person withtout using the verbal equivalent of an H-bomb right from the outset. And in my eyes even Draco Malfoy would only use it in a very limited set of situations (deep in the Death Eater headquarters under his equals, eager and fearsome to hold up his image and seem more manly and threatening than he really is...) but not in Hogwarts, in casual argument or on the train... and especially not in front of witnesses for this intellectual capitulation declaration... So Ginny going all delusional and from the outset on spitting invectives towards Hermione gets me a bit annoyed. Fast. And i would not feel too much remorse to see her leave Hogwarts by the way of gravity and a liiiiittle bit of shoving.

A/N Yay! Sirius is free. And has survived the ministry. Wonderful news. :)
Runecutter chapter 8 . 5/8/2014
Whow, the dream journal was so heartbreaking. How could that girl have this kind of dreams and keep a level head as soon as it got obvious that bit for bit the dreams started to turn out to be clairvoyant ones? And then still report calmly and in this upbeat way about stuff like Harry's wedding or this bit with her grandson she'll never be able to see alive... See now i'm crying all over again. Over a silly scene in a fanfiction. It's horrid! :D

I'm not too fond of the scene with Umbridge busting the DA... while there are some moments where you clearly deviate from the books to tell your own variation of the story the overall feeling is a lot "been there seen that" for the whole scene which takes both a lot of the impact and the joy out of this moment.
Maybe changing the perspective or having them retell the event in their own words to their friends later? It would definitely make the whole thing less copycatty and more unique to change something in the way how it is told to the reader.

I'm sure i've never seen the idea of Aberforth actually teaching at Hogwarts anywhere else, this is a great twist and even his pessimism is kind of understandable as he is the one bartending in the dingy bar in Hogsmeade while his brother gets all the spotlight. Is that fair? :D Abe even sounds like the more reasonable one.

Also great is the twist that Dumbles is actually in the castle for Harry's big dream sequence and so can take over the leading of the intervention himself. It might have been nice to think about the mirror to try and confirm Sirius is really in the ministry.

And now Hermione is expecting? That does not sound good. After all the wedding seemed to be years from now (we're still in fifth, afair? then both "eighteenish looking" means at least two more years and graduation...) and i can't see them waiting for a wedding with a child underways and all that, war or no war, some things just are inappropriate if not done the right way... (and that's how i see Harry's personality, me myself i could care less if anybody is married when they procreate, as long as the child is treated well and all are happy with the situation, let them sin as long as they can :D)
Long rant short i fear for the life of the child and what Harry will do if Hermione is hurt so much... Dolohov repeating the scene from OOTP would be dead meat right now... I also don't see Hermione telling him now, before an important and life threatening fight, that would just put him under too much stress and pressure methinks... but if she were hit i could see her cry out "our child!" or something like that,forcing Harry into first wrapping his mind around the idea and then into going berserk... I hope it won't happen that way, but at the moment i fear i see no other way these scenes can intermingle in the next chapter...
Runecutter chapter 7 . 5/8/2014
Hey, its noble to share your thoughts on the reasons behind Dumbledore's actions with your readers. But the cause for so many of them to complain about him changing his mind is that you have grossly neglected to let ALBUS think about his reasons to switch his position so abruptly. author's notes are a fine thing and i don#t mind to show for example where you got the inspiration (or "stole") any scene or something like that. But to explain your chapters in the following update by writin a long informative author's note isn't the best way to tell a story. It should be IN the story for everybody to find out when reading, not added on as belated footnote.

Ehh but the fall of Voldemort was at the end of OCTOBER on Halloween night between 10-31 and 11-1? Eighth month i could have understood (as the romans called it OCTO-ber because for them it WAS number eight with the new year originally celebrated around march 1st) but seventh does not cut it. sorry.

Contraceptives... well the birth control pill alone has already a Pearl Index of below 1 (meaning that of 1000 women having regular sex while using it as their sole contraceptive the number of pregnancies is less than 10), if used religiously and always in the proper way it's about 0,1 meaning 99,9 percent safety over a whole year of sexual activity... 98% is about the value if you are carefully using condoms, slobby use will bring that up to maybe 12 (that is 88%)
There was never any Pearl Index given for COMBINED use of preservatives and birth control pill... but it would logically beat your 98% as the pill alone is already better than that.
It might be better for storytelling purposes to declare magical contraception for "flawless except in case of extreme magical circumstances" (e.g. fertility potions taken, getting cursed, magical bondings countering the contraceptive or having sex on certain magicall important dates/times and places or combined with rituals...) as giving a number will always just make your guesswork attackable.

But hey, why that does sound critical as hell it is only three smallish points... i actually DO like the way you tell your story and had no problems with the lemon scene (although it's Hermione's own fault that it hurt so much more than she expected... if she had listened to Harry and let him try to be slow and careful, to ease both of them in until penetration, it would have reportedly gone much better than slamming her own bits down on him to get done with this "gift". That's what you get if you read books about it that were written by men :D)

Are they sure they want to be naked under those covers when morning comes? Sirius might be glad about the silencing charmes, but will he be a gentlemen when it's time for wakeup call? :D
885 | « Prev Page 1 .. 2 3 4 5 6 7 14 .. Last Next »