Reviews for Narnian Sun
Rachel Densmore chapter 2 . 3/7/2015
Keep Writing! I love the Narnia/Phantom Stallion Crossovers! I think that's a really cool idea!
me chapter 2 . 11/12/2013
me chapter 1 . 11/12/2013
please do more then two chapters PLEASE
me chapter 2 . 11/12/2013
this is soo cool!
me chapter 1 . 11/12/2013
would you like some butter?!
trappinismygame chapter 2 . 10/8/2011
I have my popcorn and I'm ready for more story! I noticed that when Sam was talking about checking out the tunnel she says "oh bother I asked", you may want to fix that. But other than that it is a good story and I can't wait for more.
Emma234160 chapter 2 . 9/19/2011
Boo stop telling us to review. Thats my opinion.
Guest chapter 1 . 3/8/2011
Remember me? I think I reviewed another story, threatening you with Mr. Snuggles. Was it Mustang Eyes the novel? eh. Anyway, update, or maybe Mr. Snuggles will make an appearance...
Iluvhorses1997 chapter 2 . 12/30/2010
Please update soon! I love this story!
AceTrace chapter 3 . 11/9/2010
Pwease continue this?
WildestHeart4ever chapter 3 . 9/28/2010
that was a very wierd very interesting story...and of course Jake had to be worried about Sam then think of himself :)
horselover65 chapter 3 . 9/4/2010
I really really like this story. Update soon!
Sophia chapter 3 . 4/30/2010
You're right-this story isn't as good as it could be.
On the other hand, lackluster writing is easily fixable.
Rotten, hole-filled plots and OOC charries aren't.
Plus, this is your first draft.
Are my first drafts perfect? Hell, no.
Are they even good? Hell, no.
Are professional writers' first drafts perfect? Once again: Hell, no.
If it's the thought of your writing not being "good enough" that's keeping you from writing, rewrite and keep going, unless you're just feeling overloaded and uninspired.

I understand if you want to use omniscient, I think it makes for interesting writing, and if you're writing kind of sweeping, epic story, it's a good choice.
Still, showing is necessary at points, even if you are telling a story.
I'll wait until you update again, because this is an awesome plot and you capture C.S. Lewis's and Terri Farley's characters very well.
MusicAddict101 chapter 3 . 4/30/2010
awh, i'm gonna miss this, oh well, hopefuly u'll continue soon
Sophia chapter 2 . 4/30/2010
First-I'm lovin' this plot. It's awesome. Sam and Jake are IC.
You are having some problems with your writing, though.

1. It's choppy, choppy, choppy. Use some compound sentences, read your story out loud, change the sentence structure. That's what I would. I'm not sure if you have a different method, but if you do, use it.

2. In addition to using the omniscient voice, you're telling instead of showing.
And while showing has its place, this part, where your charries have landed in an unknown place, is not it.
I can't explain the differences very well, so you should look up some articles about it.

3. This falls under the telling-instead-of-showing problem, but I'll bring it up anyway.
I have no idea what this place is like.
Sure, it's a beautiful forest, but what does it /feel/ like?
Is the ground she's sitting on soft with moss, scratchy with dead leaves, or are sticks poking her?
Can she hear birdsong, the tumbling of a creek, the rustle of trees in a soft wind? Is there any wind? It it hard, harsh, and cold, or gentle and warm? Does her head hurt? Is it throbbing or stinging?
This is what makes your story come alive for your readers.
But yourself in Sam's shoes, or Jake's shoes, or whatever your viewpoint charrie is, and /feel/ this place they're in.
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