|Reviews for Gilded Cage|
| Vampwolfe chapter 1 . 5/8/2010
That was very interesting and out of ordinary. Well done!
| J Luc Pitard chapter 1 . 4/20/2010
Very nice, but I have some thoughts for you.
I really like the imagery throughout all of it! Your stanza about Kohaku is especially splendid!
Your sense of the flow of words is good through most of it, but the last line of stanza 6 interrupts the flow without a reason. I'd suggest the line be changed to something like:"though the why and the how's long forgotten." Again in the following stanza, your flow could be improved in the second line by adding a word so it's more like:"A place all yearn for, but can never go" to keep with the rhythm you have in the lines around it.
There's a mistake in the last line of stanza 7 "The means of the will to escape their gilded cage" instead of "The means or the will..."
You may want to swap stanzas 7 with 6 since you've been progressing throughout the bathhouse and now go beyond it, to the sea, you can then get to the overarching theme which brings it back inside.
In the last stanza, we get to Yubaba! Saving her for last is good, but don't you think that she is also bound to the bath house? Or do her forays mean that she is the only one with freedom? Her line to Chihiro about being sorry she'd made the oath to give a job to any who seek seems to imply she's trapped in some ways as well. I'd suggest the last lines be something like:"Making sure that no one is free, not even herself."
Good work and I hope you take this as helpful criticism since I really enjoy good poetry and want to encourage you to write more!