|Reviews for Car Crash|
| gracieTpie chapter 1 . 8/4
I am not crying, I swear *sniffs* really good though! Grass X
| Guest chapter 1 . 7/16
I physically groaned. It was nicely written, but it was SO cliché. All in all, not bad but not too original. 7/10
| lolipuse chapter 1 . 4/14/2015
| WishMaster chapter 1 . 6/2/2013
Almost made me cry! Your words dude! XD There NEEDS to be more to this story! :D
| Vongolafan16 chapter 1 . 9/1/2012
Life changing experience. Also a completley incredible miracle.
| venaly chapter 1 . 3/28/2011
cool..you made my heart skipped a beat ;]
this is a really nice story... hope to read more from you
| jackilantern chapter 1 . 8/3/2010
DX I'm crying right now...Oh God...gimme a moment...*sniff**sniff*
| Priincezz chapter 1 . 7/27/2010
My God! I really thought that he was going to die!
Anyway, it was quite intense xD
| deathbyinsomnia chapter 1 . 7/3/2010
Awwww u little softie u :')
| RainbowKiss chapter 1 . 6/12/2010
niceee! you gotta write more! The power of love brought her darling otani to life!
| The Animanga Girl chapter 1 . 5/28/2010
Awww so cute story Love It!
| Snowboarding Lash chapter 1 . 5/20/2010
Not going to lie, this story wasn't great.
This story is extremely bland.
Your first sentence, "Risa and Otani walked down the street, holding hands and looking at all the cool stuff in the windows."
What was the street like? What's cool stuff? This didn't give me any visual images and I could not feel the emotion of your story.
You jumped into the car crash WAY too early. The suspense was ruined.
As a reader, it became very obvious when you're writing something "vital" to the story such as the placement of the characters when the car crashed. This also took away from the suspense.
The beginnings and structures of your sentences are dull and drab. This ruined the flow of your story. Sentences 4-6 all began with, "They". Most of your sentences started as, "Subject, verb, details".
Don't bluntly say what they are wearing. When writing such a short work with such a dramatic impact of emotion, try to avoid unnecessary details. If you felt this was truly necessary, you might use, "...Gasping slightly when she saw the red blood staining his face and once blue polo shirt."
How did the Ambulance know when to arrive? Who called them? This is a hole in the story which raises confusion. If someone indeed called the ambulance, it'd take a while for them to arrive.
Some people don't know what an EMT is. Perhaps you could say "Emergency Medical Technicians" the first time you mention them and then use "EMT" after you've established what it is. Be sure to capitalize the first letters of the acronym.
"His heartbeat was too slow.
She could hear the beeps of the breathing monitors.
They were bad too."
Who, or what, is "they"? I'm sure you meant to refer to his breathing, but at first glance, it looks like the breathing monitors are "bad". Surely you wouldn't want faulty equipment in your story. :)
"She threw off the EMT, and bent down to grab Otani's hand again.
'Please Otani...I need you' She whispered, kissing it."
If you use "it" to refer to something said in the previous sentence, try finding a more creative word. Instead, "She whispered kissing his lifeless palm." Same goes for names. "Risa" and "Otani" are used often in this story (obviously). The boy/girl, her/his boyfriend, the redhead, etc. could replace the blandness of your story.
If you have questions feel free to contact me.
| EuPhoRia RoSe chapter 1 . 5/8/2010
Amazing! I nearly cried! I loved it so much, great job :)
| eclipsed heart chapter 1 . 5/4/2010
Bah, making me log in...*inaudible mutterings*
Okay, moving on.
THAT WAS SO INCREDIBLY SWET! I wanted to cry. But then Otani didn't die, and all was well. (:
| sama-chan chapter 1 . 5/1/2010
i lurves it!