Reviews for Portal Wars
guy chapter 1 . 11/14/2013
your ending sucks
xianyu118 chapter 1 . 1/5/2013
What. A. Short. Story.

Do please try and expand your work a bit more. For example, describing Tano a bit more graphically would help. And try to describe the place a bit more. Exactly where did Chell drop into? Mos Eisley? Jabba's palace (that's a bit unlikely, I know.)
And wouldn't Chell freak out finding that she's not on Earth anymore? Also, Ashoka would be more likely to regard Chell rather oddly, rather than a joker.
Finally, please, *BEGIN QUOTE*

Now the very last part of your story you should never, EVER do. When you're telling a story, you're not giving a summary of it. Simply saying "*Ashoka and Chell go to the Jedi temple, and Ashoka explains the basics of the galaxy*" is a BIG nono in writing.

You gotta describe it in detail! SHOW your reader what's happening in the story, don't TELL them. Explain the ride to the Jedi Temple; does Chell ask any questions? What do they see along the way? Does anything happen, do they run into trouble?

*END QUOTE*
This guy says it all.
I confess, I do use that style of writing, but I eventually need to replace those words between the asterisks with something more interesting.

However, I'll be reading this. It's interesting, and I want to see what would happen. Will Chell be a Force-sensitive?
Species Unknown chapter 1 . 5/22/2012
CHELL CANT SPEAK! Besides I doubt they would act that way t somebody apearringcout of nowhere.
Guest chapter 1 . 9/4/2011
i just got some character suggestions 4 the future: aayla secura, kit fisto, adi gallia, barriss offee, agen kolar, quinlan vos and maybe siri tachi(i know she dies but i love her as a character)
James Birdsong chapter 1 . 8/3/2011
Cool.
Vernon Hediger chapter 1 . 9/26/2010
*rubs hands together*can't wait 'till the next one!
Recursive Sweatpants chapter 1 . 9/3/2010
I'm not too familiar with Star Wars (gasp!), so I won't give much criticism on the plot.

Your writing, however, needs a little work. In the first paragraph, you changed from past-tense to present-tense in the middle of the sentence: "It seemed like a sword, but it glows and has a slight hum."

It should look like this: "It seemed like a sword, but it glowed and had a slight hum."

Make sure your using the correct tense; past tense is most common for stories.

The dialogue is a little stale; you should add a few things between the conversation to make it seem more real. For example, you could give a paragraph or two describing the place Chell and Tano are, and you could give a few sentences explaining Chell's thoughts or feelings about waking up in outer space.

Now the very last part of your story you should never, EVER do. When you're telling a story, you're not giving a summary of it. Simply saying "*Ashoka and Chell go to the Jedi temple, and Ashoka explains the basics of the galaxy*" is a BIG nono in writing.

You gotta describe it in detail! SHOW your reader what's happening in the story, don't TELL them. Explain the ride to the Jedi Temple; does Chell ask any questions? What do they see along the way? Does anything happen, do they run into trouble?

And what ARE the basics of the galaxy? You should never assume that the reader knows everything about Star Wars when they read a crossover fanfic.

I'm not trying to be harsh here when I say this; I'm just giving criticism. Take my advice if you wish; I know what I'm talking about and I want to see you improve your writing. If not, well, I wish you the best of luck then.