|Reviews for Revival of Ancient Errors|
| snowinacan chapter 1 . 3/16/2012
Wow, this is brilliant! It's written so poetically and with rawness that makes it easy to identify with. I liked the way you used present tense and how the narrative was kind of like a stream of thought. I'm not sure what else to say - I loved it.
| RedCloakedMaiden chapter 1 . 7/6/2011
Thank you. I've been waiting for this to happen for years.
| LuckyxLabradoodlexLoverx7 chapter 1 . 11/3/2010
Total awesomesauce! I loved it!
| Chaos Dragon chapter 1 . 7/26/2010
wow. i'm just going to go with wow. this catered to a fetish i didn't even know i had, and now that i do i'm never going to be able to pick up one of these books again without seeing the undertones between those two. thank you. just thank you :D
| H.R. Aidan chapter 1 . 6/20/2010
This is really good work. I made notes as I read through and the length of the piece is reflected in the length of the review, I'm afraid. Here you go:
A little confused in the first few paragraphs as to who “he” is all the time. Although the scenes were well-constructed and gripping, the reader likes to be mystified rather than confused. Are we in the foal’s POV in the first paragraph. He thinks to himself he’s been here before, then a couple of lines later he says “It’s a damn shame.” Forgive me for laughing but it sounds like the foal is speaking here but I have the feeling it’s someone else.
The paragraphs are very short and choppy, which interrupts the flow of the narrative as a whole, but while you’re in the scene, it flows very well.
A bit of bad language in dialogue or thought is okay but I feel you overstepped the limit on occasions here. Never swear in your general prose - it’s vulgar and bad writing.
There’s a lot of “paperwork” involved in foals, especially when they’re young. There’s veterinary reports, and in special cases like Star’s where a foster mare has been introduced, a whole lot more. Since Ashleigh is specifically talking about the registration of the foal, I thought you should perhaps specify this when she says “…I’d take the opportunity to suggest we just fill out the [registration] paperwork…”.
Be careful with your POV. If you want to have a split point of view, generally separating them by chapters is preferred. Separating them by paragraphs less so but still accepted. Within the same paragraph, definite no-no!
The interaction between Christina and Brad is superb. I haven’t read any books in the Thoroughbred series, so I don’t know the characters in depth (I’m not sure if this is an advantage or disadvantage!) but the image you create of Brad is well-rounded. He seems to be a sceptical character who has obviously clashed horns with Ashleigh in the past but he obviously has maybe not a soft side, but a more sympathetic side to him, which keeps him open-minded towards Chris’ wish to stay with Star.
I’m going to mention swearing again here. I’m not against rude language in writing, please don’t think that but the argument between Brad and Ashleigh was going so well… until she told him to eff off. You were building her character nicely for the reader: a strong-willed woman, who loves her daughter and is as tough as nails but you cheapen her by making her curse. I’d like to think she’s intelligent so a cutting, scathing remark rather than a plain “F**k off” would make the reader respect her a bit more and make them think “Ha! Ashleigh 1, Brad 0.”
Discussion between Brad and Ashleigh re: Parker and Christina dating A. Flowed well, dialogue was spot on.
You mention Brad has entered Star in the BC Juvenile without Ashleigh’s say-so. The majority of horses that run in the Breeders’ Cup are entered as soon as they are born, otherwise they have to pay a huge supplement later on. There are fees which are paid sporadically to keep the horse “nominated” right up until the final declarations. I would have thought firstly that Star would have been nominated as soon as he was born and therefore Ashleigh would be in the know, or else Brad is being extremely generous by shelling out the additional supplement entry fees all by himself.
Incorrect grammar: “scary good” (verb verb) should be “scarily good” (adverb verb)
Ashleigh asks Brad for reasons why Christina should be allowed to ride in the BC Mile. I found it odd that Brad doesn’t once mention the prize money she would earn (10% of purse goes to jockey). Considering Whitebrook is in financial difficulties, I would have thought this would be the first card he would play. By this point, Ashleigh is also turning into a bit of a killjoy with not much sympathy to back her up. Perhaps a little weariness on her part at this stage might make the reader more sympathetic towards her.
“…For the Fountain of Youth, Christina is a nervous wreck because she was a nervous wreck before the allowance race, and look out [should be “how”?] that turned out?…” - You describe Christina as a nervous wreck three times in as many sentences. Vary it a little (and try to avoid clichés). There was also a typo.
“…He’d like to quench this weird feeling and then bury it so deep…” - I’m not sure quench is the right word here. Quench is to fulfil, but he doesn’t want to be fulfilled by this feeling, does he? Just the opposite it would seem, he wants to rid of the feeling, hence his wanting to bury it.
Just out of interest, did you know Secretariat was syndicated because Meadows was in deep financial trouble, hence why he was retired from racing after his three-year-old campaign? With Whitebrook in trouble, would their instincts not immediately turn towards syndicating him as a stallion, or are they planning to race him as a four-year-old?
Nice exchange between Ashleigh and Brad during their discussions about selling up. The reader becomes more sympathetic towards her plight, and you haven’t made the strong-hero and weeping-maiden interaction at all clichéd. Very good.
“…She is married. He is an asshole…” - pardon me for saying this, but he hasn’t been an asshole for quite some time. He might have a reputation as an asshole but we haven’t actually seen the brunt of it for quite a while. I was wondering if Mr Bad Guy would make an appearance - and sure, kissing another man’s wife doesn’t exactly proclaim goodness but if you want to keep Brad’s mean streak, he has to show it a fraction more than he’s been doing in the past 5,000 words or so. By the way, where is Mike during all of this? I realise he’s not a major player in this but he is Ashleigh’s husband (isn’t he?), so give us a solid reason why he’s missing from the action. I like the fact that he isn’t there - it gives you a lot more flexibility with Ashleigh and Brad’s relationship to develop - but drop us a hint at some stage why he’s never there. It would help if Mike is somehow not such a great guy (amplify the fact that he is neglectful of his wife, or he's responsible for the downfall of Whitebrook in some selfish way - a gambling, drinking habit maybe?). That way, we can forgive Ashleigh for cheating on him.
Phew! That’s got to be one of the longest reviews I’ve done! I thought overall this was a fantastic read. You’ve got huge natural talent as a writer. Your “voice” is very clear, which is lucky as many writers work years to find theirs without ever really grasping it completely. Yours is already there and it seems structure and basic plot development are your downfalls, however slight. Have you written anything of your own creation, rather than a borrowed concept like Thoroughbred? I would be very interested to read it if you have. Well done for this piece nevertheless, a very commendable effort.
| Mistygurl101 chapter 1 . 5/11/2010
You should s.o. do another chapter! This would be a frustrating one shot or a wicked two shot.
| Riding Lessons chapter 1 . 5/8/2010
Will you rewrite this from a Cris/Parker POV? This was amazing
| writergirl96 chapter 1 . 5/7/2010
I loved this. Ah, I really loved this.
| funinthesun55 chapter 1 . 5/1/2010
wow. amazing story. truly amazing.