|Reviews for Troy Bolton: Secret Agent|
| brianna4797 chapter 9 . 2/11/2015
Cute lol. I like the name Jay Rivers!
| Princess-Yelly chapter 8 . 7/3/2010
The story was great. You are awesome at cliffhangers. The best part was the part where the chief tells Troy about Jay Rivers, I was freaking out.
| bubzchoc chapter 8 . 6/18/2010
| RandommMee chapter 8 . 6/18/2010
aww its over but awesome ending cant wait till the nxt one :D
| hopelessromanticgurl chapter 8 . 6/18/2010
I think the ending was great. The story was good too.
| Zac is my.Life chapter 8 . 6/18/2010
Aww! It's over! I LOVED this story! One of my favorites! I can't wait for your next story. Yours are always amazing!
| yogaluva chapter 8 . 6/18/2010
awesome ending to a very good story
| mutemockingjay chapter 1 . 6/15/2010
I'll review both the prologue and chapter one in one review- kill two birds with one stone, eh? Granted, I don't know much about High School Musical so I can't comment on canon stuff, but I can do style.
The first thing that throws me is the title. It's not really exciting but that's not the point- it's misleading. If I didn't know better I would click on this thinking that Troy is a super awesome spy when in actuality he is merely an undercover agent, just judging by this prologue, which for the reader could be quite the disappointment.
Prose wise I would say you're okay, but it's nothing really special, no words that keep me hooked. Your first sentence should be that grab that makes the reader want to read more, whether it be exciting and dramatic, or an interesting piece of description.
As just a general example I whipped up off the top of my head:
"Most girls spend their sixteenth birthday at a party, surrounded by cake, presents, and friends. I spent my sixteenth birthday waiting to die, surrounded by dirt, rocks, and blood."
Whoever this character is, we're intrigued. Why is she waiting to die? Is she being executed for a crime, or is she heading into a battle? A hook sentence like that will grab a reader's attention, and will have them move on to the rest of the story because they want to find out more about what is going on.
Your first two sentences, though, lack any excitement. They're merely:
"Troy Bolton dashed into his car. That day was the day he had been waiting for ever since he had walked out of college with a degree in law enforcement."
Why should we, the readers keep going? Why should we care about him getting into his car and waiting for something?
I also feel that way about prologues, though like the rest of the review you can take this with a grain of salt. Prologues should be an entire hook to get the reader's attention and have them impatient waiting for an update. Something mysterious, perhaps, something that doesn't give away the plot set up right away. You can set up your plot in the first chapter, but your prologue should have some stellar, poetic description, or maybe some exciting action.
Another example (though this is from my fandom, so it's RvB specific):
"The city itself was dusted in the coal and sorrow, its inhabitants bent over from the chaos of a post war world, hope long gone on the wind, unlikely to ever come back.
Two figures moved slowly in the growing darkness, the last lights of dusk illuminating them as they ducked behind a building corner.
Grey and violet.
Whispers that could only be heard if one listened carefully.
"Fuck it, Wash, stop pulling me!"
"Do you want to get lost, then? Not much of a problem for me…"
The grey one strode away, head held high, and the violet one hung its head, sighing heavily before catching up.
"Fucking douche…" The violet one muttered.
"That's what I thought." The grey one again, smug and overconfident.
"Just shut up and lead the way."
Darkness covered the city in its smothering fog; the sky too dense with pollution to show even the slightest twinkling of a star, even the smallest sign of life crushed under a heavy hand.
With a single streetlamp sputtering its dying breaths the pair approached an abandoned brick building, ornate with a gothic cupola; deadly yet beautiful, bearing its fair share of battle wounds.
The grey one knocked three times in rapid succession, leaning in and whispering a word so softly it was lost to the howling wind.
The door opened and both slipped in, a pair of beautiful thieves on their way to the downfall of themselves and the only world they had ever known.
In the first few rays of dawn, the pink in the sky tainted red with bleeding hearts, the Meta moved ever so closer.
He knew where they were.
And he knew exactly what to do to stop them."
In that, we absolutely nothing about the plot ready to be set up, though it's a snippet that will be important in the plot later. It's a hook, a scene that is vague enough for the reader to be wondering, and wanting more. Like, where are South and Wash headed? Why is the Meta tracking them? What is with the building they are sneaking into? Is it some sort of secret society, considering the code knock?
Readers are impatient people, and will make snap judgments on your fic almost right away. If this was a story in my fandom I would have read this and then clicked out again, not bothering to the read the rest because it doesn't make me care about the characters- there isn't anything that looks or sounds exciting, as the title appeared to promise.
Moving onto chapter one...
The main problem I see with this is Troy's lack of emotion, and train of thought. If he's tailing her, I'm sure asking her out isn't part of the job description. Unless he was ordered to buddy up with her and pretend to be in on whatever schemes she has; wine her, dine her and seduce her to get her to open up to him. And honestly, that sounds way more exciting to me. It has more plot conflict, more room for drama.
His conflict about leading a double life and how it may exhaust him, how he is falling for her when he never intended to, the moral conflict of loving her and knowing that she has fallen for a fake. Betrayal if he revealed himself to her, and the loss of his job and livelihood, something that (if we're judging by what you say in the prologue) is really important to him.
That alternate plot aside (sorry I got too into that XD)the one you have isn't very realistic. He's tailing her, right? So he wouldn't speak to her- the point is that he is not noticed, done two ways.
Generally the old fashioned police way is to sit in a car and observe her comings and goings until he can catch her red handed. But that's boring so let's put that aside. In the other version he could blend into the anonymous mass as a nobody. If you want to set up a romance it should be her who approaches him because he doesn't want to be noticed, even if he is attracted to her.
I really think that he needs more of a train of thought here, and show more emotion because right now he is just a little robot, like he feels nothing at all, making it impossible with a reader to connect with him in the story. And that;s what you want most of all. You want your readers to connect with the characters, love them. They want to be able to care for so much that they cheer for him when he succeeds, feel disappointment when he fails, be so emotionally connected to him that we cry if he dies.
Like a fic I read before, where the author got me so connected to her OC, Agent Massachusetts, that when her love interest, a canon character named York, dies I feel for her when she stumbles across him in his last dying breaths. They had lost each other before, and he had been looking for her for years, trying to right the wrongs he did. But he never finds her, and they only reunite when she accidentally stumbles upon his death scene. It was so powerfully written, so emotional that when he dies as she is holding him I cried- the first time a fic ever made me cry. I posted that scene of at the forum, btw, in the "Superior Snippets" thread if you want to take a look.
And that's your goal as a writer. To get your readers so connected to the characters- whether they be canon or OC. You don't get off the hook with canon characters- we may love them but you shouldn't rely on that for the reader to connect to your character.
Going back to our example, York is a minor character in Red vs Blue. He shows up in a mini series for three episodes before he dies. I loved him the moment I saw him in those episodes, but I wouldn't have been as emotional like I was with that fic if she hadn't put in the effort to build on his character, to give me more to connect to.
But even more so with main characters, like Church in RvB. He's a main character, but reading fics with him still need that extra depth, and it's one of the joys in reading fics, seeing another author's take on his character.
It all comes down to showing, not telling. You can say to us, "Troy is nervous" but it would be better for you to know what kind of habits he has when he's nervous, showing it through his actions.
Another example: Agent South Dakota (in my canon because again we know little about her) smokes cigarettes when she's nervous, and you can show that more with the trembling of her hands, so badly that she can't work her lighter.
Or even what happened to a friend of mine when he lost his virginity. He was so nervous his hands were shaking so badly he couldn't open the condom packet. :P
Little details like that will not only show how he feels, but make him more relate-able to the reader.
I hope this will be helpful for you, and good luck!
| hopelessromanticgurl chapter 7 . 6/13/2010
YAY! They are together! I can't wait for the next chapter! Update soon!
| highschoolmusicalfan101 chapter 7 . 6/13/2010
aww they got together. loved it
| RandommMee chapter 7 . 6/13/2010
aww they together now :D cant wait till the nxt :D
| Zac is my.Life chapter 7 . 6/13/2010
Aww! She is his girlfriend! I loved it! :) great chapter!
| yogaluva chapter 7 . 6/13/2010
and they are getting to know each other
and he wants to be in a relationship with her
i really enjoyed it
and she said yes...
they kissed awww
| bubzchoc chapter 7 . 6/13/2010
| RandommMee chapter 6 . 6/8/2010
awesome i love it and hope they dont get caught cant wait till the next one :D