|Reviews for woah my brother and boyfriend are|
| inactiveuser103939101303129 chapter 1 . 2/19/2011
awesome story! love it! -j
| inactiveuser103939101303129 chapter 3 . 2/18/2011
your hilarious and an awesome writer! im hooked! i'm reading this forever! :)
| Guest chapter 6 . 10/15/2010
Ah I love this story youi have to update soon please I can't wait to see what happens next and what's maddie going to do muhahah sorry..anyway please write more soon
| YO chapter 1 . 10/4/2010
Nice story. Continue writing (:
| indieisfiction chapter 7 . 9/27/2010
The people who criticised you are completely right, and you should listen to their advice.
| A Black Shadow chapter 2 . 9/19/2010
Ok story since I hate twilight but other than that a 8.7/10
| TeeVee chapter 7 . 9/16/2010
Oh my gosh damn nice man! I SERIOUSLY CAN'T WAIT FOR CHAPTER 8! WHOOOOOTS!
| Lizzy B chapter 7 . 9/13/2010
I love the story! Are you going to make Cam a werewolf? Please update ASAP!
| helen chapter 7 . 9/13/2010
i love chapter 7!
im your fan again aby!
but im going to ditch you for choir tomorrow!
| Anna chapter 6 . 9/2/2010
Overall impression of your story: It's generic. There's nothing that makes it stand out from the norm. However, I don't think it's as bad as The Jessamine Riot makes it out to be.
Your strong points are humor, and the fact that you can get to the point quickly. You also depict a teenager's thoughts pretty accurately, since you probably are one yourself. Your characters' actions mostly make sense (although Seth does behave a bit too much like a lovesick puppy), based on their thought processes, so readers don't have to scrounge for explanations.
However, you do have faults, namely grammar. Your level of proper grammar usage fluctuates from chapter to chapter (probably because there's two of you). Also, I have to agree with The Jessamine Riot about the continuity thing.
| Feranda chapter 6 . 9/1/2010
lemme guess, Leah's based on the hater, rite? "D
| Feranda chapter 6 . 9/1/2010
THIS IS THE BEST CHAPTER EVA!:D
lovve the sarcasm between Sam n lucas! :DD
cant wait to read the next chapter! :DDD
| CHouseOfNightLover7 chapter 5 . 8/10/2010
You rock! Keep the story going! aaand don't let other people get in the way of your WONDERFUL story. muackz
| Chelsea chapter 5 . 8/10/2010
yeah apparently my review didnt turn up, so im reviewing again! :)
anyway, i also forgot what i wrote.
okay so its an awesome chapter and dont let anything get in your way !
there are mean ppl, but they're just jealous, so ignore them and keep it up!
| Jessavi chapter 5 . 8/9/2010
Before I get started, let me remind you of the guidelines:
1. Spell check all story and poetry.
2. Proofread all entries for grammar and other aspects of writing before submission.
And most importantly:
3. Respect the reviewers. Not all reviews will strictly praise the work. If someone rightfully criticizes a portion of the writing, take it as a compliment that the reviewer has opted to spend his/her valuable time to help improve your writing.
Now that that's out of the way, let's get cracking. (Keep in mind that I'm just noting things as I read through the chapters.)
Your title doesn't say anything about the story. I mean, "whoa" isn't even spelled correctly. Also, her brother and her boyfriend...what? What about them? The best advice I can give for choosing titles is to think of a central theme in your story, or a conflict, even a piece of symbolism, and put that as a title.
It shouldn't be a character's thought, because often there isn't enough space in the title to put it. Besides, you put characters' thoughts in the *summary* if you want to include them at all.
Speaking of your summary, a great deal of it is useless and the part that is relevant needs proper grammar. This may not be English class, but reviewers do generally tend to flock toward stories that have better grammar than the ones that don't. Besides, it seems more professional.
Telling people to R&R doesn't make them want to review, even if you say "please". It's just annoying. And telling readers that it's a crap summary doesn't get sympathy; it only makes your summary even crappier than you thought, so get rid of that too. Also, you don't have to tell us why it's rated T. Besides, *I'm* a thirteen-year-old, and I already have a rather gruesome story in the making.
In the summary, you want to mention a conflict or a major obstacle that makes up the storyline. By saying that it's a normal imprint, the story loses its intrigue to possible readers. They can simply read another normal Seth imprint story; why should they read yours?
Hopefully you realize how crucial the summary and title are by now, so I'm going to move on to the story.
Putting full sentences, even words by themselves, in capital letters is not recommended. It looks unprofessional, and the words "I yelled up the staircase" do the trick. If you want to accent just one word or short phrase, use italics (the slanted I button or CtrlI).
Your prose is better than I expected from the summary (another reason the summary is so crucial), and your grammar is...acceptable. Your grammar does get worse as the chapter progresses, so watch out for that.
In the first chapter, the note seems a little...fake. It just doesn't sound like a real dad speaking. Also, Chris seemed morose before she read the letter, but after it, he just seems disappointed that he got grounded. Work on maintaining continuity, even if there's two of you writing this.
Sometimes you don't capitalize the first letters of names or use proper grammar for dialogue.
Also, Whitney seems fake. Any worker knows that they have to actually *work*, or they'll be fired because someone (the kids in this case) will report them.
Actually, you need to work on capitalization in general. For example, "La Push" is "la push" in the second letter, "P.S." is "p.s."
An OC is an original character that you make up and put in your fanfiction. They didn't appear in the original series, or the "canon". OCs can turn into Mary Sues very quickly, so be sure you take a Mary Sue litmus test (Google the term, you'll find one) to avoid that. "OOC" is when a canon character (a character that appears in the canon) is not acting like they acted in the canon. It tends to be annoying when done unintentionally.
Write out numbers - instead of "5", write "five". You get the point. It's more professional-looking. (The reason I'm bothering with all this professional stuff is that in my experience on this site, you can get away with Mary Sues, a bad plot, OOCness, ANYTHING, if your story appears professional.) Putting authors' notes in the middle of the story isn't very appealing.
If their dad knows that only the kids would be staying there, why would he make the house extremely big? La Push is a *reservation*, and most of the people there wouldn't be able to afford huge homes. And I really doubt that anyone would be friendly to white outsiders moving in on a Native reservation.
Proper grammar rules say that only one person should speak per paragraph, by the way, and you need to watch for capitalization and putting apostrophes where needed.
Billy says they'll make fast friends, but the pack is pretty antisocial in order to stay inconspicuous. Billy wouldn't allow a new person to hang out around the pack, because they *are* dangerous.
The "blind man stares at sun" thing really is overused, you know. And the guy with the blond hair and green eyes - again, this is a Native reservation. There are no whites, just Quileutes
I'm quite sure the teacher would hear them talking in class before long, and your grammar is quite spotty.
Switching POVs one time, maybe, in a chapter is fine, but switching it two times is pushing it. It gets confusing and honestly, there didn't seem to be a need for Seth's POV at all. Cameron could've just narrated it.
Come on, this whole Romeo-Juliet play thing is pretty obvious. Seth got Romeo, what are the chances? I can just guess that Lucas is going to start to like Cam, and Seth likes her too, and she has to choose. Also, I'm fairly sure that the plot of Romeo and Juliet is pretty well-known, and people can Google it if they really don't know.
Er, I'm also quite sure that the teacher would actually give an introduction to the play before just handing out scripts. Missing details like that are all over this story.
I'm quite sure by now that Cam is a self-insert. That means that the author (or the two of you, in this case) imagine yourselves as her, because she's just like you - only better, or the way you wish you could be.
Again, the capital letters...please don't abuse them.
It really is quite obvious that Seth likes her, so I don't know why Cam thinks he's asking out out of pity. He calls her cute, plays his Romeo to her Juliet, keeps staring at her...how many more clues are there?
I have a feeling that you included your friends into this...probably the same ones that left so many anonymous reviews?
There really isn't any reason to describe her outfit. It can be excused, since you only did it in the fourth chapter (so far), but still, that kind of description is pretty pointless. And she did tell Chris that she was going on a date, why would he not know that, after going ballistic?
Again the grammar issue comes up. The grammar level is going down with every chapter. Seriously, proofread this and look up some grammar rules.
Okay, fifth chapter. Cam is either completely oblivious or just plain stupid. It's extremely obvious that Lucas likes her, and I don't get why she doesn't get it.
I'm quite sure you can guess what I'm about to say about Maddi's skin color. *Native* reservation, remember?
It says explicitly in Twilight that a human's natural instinct is to run away from vampires. I don't see why Cam doesn't seem to be afraid at all. Besides, if the vampire smelled the werewolf scents, she would stay away from the reservation, especially if there are so many wolves. I don't see why the forest seems to be such an attraction to Cam. It's a *forest*, and if she heard wolves the night before she met Seth, I'm quite sure she would know to stay out of the forest.
The emotional conversation wasn't all that emotional. Maybe I'm just unfeeling, but it seemed like a soap opera to me.
In conclusion, grammar and plain logic seem to be areas you need to work on. Remember that every action should have a logical explanation and that something should come out of that action. I think you should get a beta and start over.
Oh, and I almost forgot: the author's notes. Have them at the beginning of the chapter or the end, or not at all. It's the sad truth, but no one but your friends on here really gives a crap about what you're doing.
I hope this doesn't offend you, because I'm trying to help. I may be doing it in a harsh way, but I think that my critique will help your writing, so please take it into consideration.