|Reviews for Clear Sky|
| sweetestofpeas chapter 6 . 7/31
Funny thing is, Naoto is the one scared of ghost stories. I was hoping she'd be the one freaking out.
| DarkGodAkito chapter 6 . 11/19/2012
Hahahaa this is so funny xD well done, update soon )
| Lady Quotes chapter 6 . 11/22/2011
This story is so cute! There aren't enought good Persona stories. Please keep it up and update soon. I'll be waiting, lol.
| BonusParts chapter 6 . 6/3/2010
Late, but as promised, here's my review of Channel 6. :)
Some great opening imagery, evocative of a proper evening for a haunting. I especially liked Naoto's very critical observation of the event prior to the test proper, most notably her miffed-ness toward Rise for dragging her along. :D
Still loving Rise, too! It's obvious what she is trying to do in the scene (even to Naoto, which is telling), but it's still great to see her not-so-subtly try to push Naoto and Kanji together.
I did chuckle quite a bit at Kanji's reactions to most of the tests, and the test with Hanako was a great idea! You paint a rather sympathetic picture for this lesser character, despite her general unlikable attitude. And it's great that both Naoto and Kanji react the way that they do - very neat to see that the detective is not quite as cool as she usually projects herself to be. :)
The little comedic test with Yousuke at the helm has got some nice interaction, as well, notably between Yousuke and Chie. I love that she corrects him about the walkie-talkie etiquette. (Good ol' bossy Chie! Ha!) And his reaction to finding out it's Kanji and Naoto on the path feels very Rise-like (teasing), which is appropriate. Also some good, punchy description that really makes the brief action stand out. Action is tough to write (for me, anyway), but you've got a good handle on it, even in a story that is more about friends having a good time and finding each other than fights or big battles.
Critiques (don't take this list too hard; they might look like a lot, but mostly I suspect they're simply mistypes, especially since you mentioned rewriting. Rewriting does that to me, too.):
"The [ambience] and feelings..." (Since ambient is an adjective, you might want to say "ambient light" or "ambient noise" or something to that effect.)
"It was night and the sky was dark, stars [were] shining and the moon was full." -or- "It was night and the sky was dark, stars shining and the moon full." (This is not really a critique. It's just that I thought either of those changes would make it read a bit more dramatically. I really like the image it evokes, and the sentence is solid as-is, but a little tweak that changes the cadence can really up the power on a nice sentence like that.)
"the boys challenging each [other][,] betting on who would be the most courageous..."
"Each student had also been [given] a paper lantern..."
"Rise shook her head and [clung] to Teddie's arm."
"...already planning [their] way past."
"He also pulled on another thread causing them to [swing]." or perhaps "[start] swinging."
"Everything became a [blur]."
"He felt like he had been [crushed] by an elephant."
"Yosuke moved to [sit] up, groaning. He saw Naoto glaring at Kanji, who now [had] an apologetic look."
"He laughed then [lifted an] arm to show his bicep."
"The blonde was hiding behind a tree, [seated] on the ground..." or "The blonde was hiding behind a tree, [sitting] on the ground..."
"Rise was beginning to regret her decision [of] going [with] Teddie..."
...oh, and I can't wait to see what further trouble Rise and Teddie get themselves into! :D
Very nice little story. It's progressing at a smooth pace, and I love where you're taking the characters. Can't wait to read more! :D
| DemonRaily chapter 6 . 5/31/2010
So in the end Kanji was the one who needed comfort, pour guy but at least he had some physical contact for a chance, no?
| Kisdota-The Freak Gamer chapter 6 . 5/29/2010
MORE FUNNY MOMENTS THAN KANJIxNAOTO MOMENTS, NOT TO BE A PICKLER BUT I THINK YOU MIGHT HAVE BEEN ABLE TO ADD MORE FUNNY INTERESTING MOMENTS IN THE COURAGE TEST, BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN THAT THIS WASN'T A NICE CHAPTER, BUT I STILL DON'T KNOW WHY YOU AREN'T GETTING MORE REVIEWS THAN YOU SHOULD, YAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
| frik1000 chapter 6 . 5/28/2010
haha what a sweet chapter. a lot of nice interaction and it's also really believable. keep up the good work.
| BonusParts chapter 5 . 5/27/2010
Ah, I really needed to read something to make me feel good, and these kinds of stories always do that. :)
I like the way that Kanji - whom everyone sees as a tough guy, because of his exterior - is cowed by these two underclassmen girls...simply because they know him for who he is. The moment where he gets flustered about the toys is great. :D Rise's acknowledgment that his reaction is "too much fun" is also a neat little insight into her character, and how much she enjoys pushing people's buttons. double-:D
Speaking of Rise, I love the entire section that starts, "After school, seeing as it was raining, Rise came up with a great plan." Wow, that sure is Rise! What a little conniver! I love it!
The section with the exams made me smile, too. Yousuke and Teddie make a great comedic combo, and with Chie added to the mix it's definitely chuckle-worthy. I like where you're taking the friendship between these three. This is a great line: "Yosuke and Chie stopped their brawl to look to the younger girls." It's almost like even they know they're just arguing for the sake of it, and another nice little commentary on the friends' relationships.
Nice ending sentence, too. There's quite a bit of portent in that line, a neat parallel to her feelings for Kanji, perhaps?
I think it might read more smoothly to say, "(even if he still had no idea what he had done to make her [as mad as she had been])" since Naoto isn't, at that moment, obviously mad at Kanji.
'Maybe she wants to do her yelling in private…' he [thought].
Rise stood up from Kanji's chair and [laced] her fingers behind her back.
"bleached blond boy" makes Kanji sound like his whole body is bleached. :) A lot of people make the mistake of referring to a character as "the brunette" or "the blonde" but strictly speaking, these are adjectives that require object nouns. So, it's better in these cases to say "the boy with the bleached-blond hair."
*psst! It's Ms. Sofue*
"and she became a little loss at words" reads a bit awkwardly. Perhaps "and she found herself at a loss for words" or "and she became lost for words" ?
I hope you don't take the critiques too hard. I really do enjoy the story, and I very much appreciate having something so sweet to read on the site. :)
| BonusParts chapter 4 . 5/24/2010
This is still one of the sweetest stories I've read here. :)
Teddie's characterization in this scene - and in the final one - is spot-on. He's a real joy to read from your pen: very innocent but still finding his way around being a person.
I also liked Naoto's reaction to Kanji's answer technique. I didn't know at first what he was doing, but the explanation made sense. Poor Naoto, for having her grades suffer because Kanji didn't study! :D
Kanji's cluelessness in nearly every scene is pretty adorable, too. The poor guy can't quite catch a break, though maybe his lack of attention is his own fault, too. ;)
A couple of minor things I noticed:
The sentence that starts, "The things they were saying certainly didn't help..." tends to run on; I'd suggest breaking up the phrases with some more punctuation, to read more like:
The things they were saying certainly didn't help[,] as now Kanji was fighting with himself not to hit the other two[...]or [to] blush even harder than he already was.
I put the ellipsis (...) in there, because I think the contrast of Kanji hitting the other boys and blushing is a very nice one, and the ellipsis adds a little bit of an extra pause, to create additional thoughtful mood. But it would be fine with just a comma, too.
She wanted to stomp him, crush him, annihilate him, [make] him suffer for all he [had] made her go through. - The suffering that Kanji inflicted on Naoto is in the past further beyond the past being described, so it gets the Past Perfect tense.
School was finished for the day and she was found leaned across her desk like a dead man, plus the deadly aura that emitted from her. - The second half of this sentence is a bit awkward. I understand what you're saying, but I think it needs some fleshing out.
It sent chills down anyone's spine [who] dared to [approach] her within a radius of a meter.
[She] turned on her heels.
All told, though, it's still a very sweet and cute story, and I'm looking forward to reading more!
| Kisdota-The Freak Gamer chapter 5 . 5/20/2010
LITTLE SHORT, BUT STILL A NICE CHAPTER, WITH FUNNY AND AKWARD EVENTS LEADING TO FAILED COUPLING ATTEMPTS, GOOD CHAPTER, YAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
| BonusParts chapter 3 . 5/20/2010
Lots of great stuff in this chapter, so you'll excuse me if I take a while to just gush. :)
The entire paragraph that starts, "A groan escaped her lips." really stands out in this first section. It's got great insight into both Naoto and Kanji's characters, and it depicts her inner conflict (and obliviousness) really well. Very well done!
The sleeping moment is quite sweet, and it's innocent enough that I could see it happening between these two. The disparity in dialogue is also well done; I definitely get the different "feel" of speaking between Kanji and Naoto.
The paragraph that starts, "The walk towards the bus stop..." is a very strong example of how to do that third-person omniscient well. The reader is not really enough in either one's head to be jarred by switching perspectives, but the different perspectives are detailed, with enough feelings and characterization, to make it clear what's going on between them, even in the silence. It's pretty much a textbook example on how to do the third-person omniscient well, and I congratulate you for it! :)
"We can't trust anyone at this point." She crossed her arms and slid down on her seat a little.
-Wow, that's good insight into Naoto's character. It definitely puts her at a distance from the others (still), but it's a very strong characterization bit. It explains a lot why she thinks the way that she does, especially about the hat. And then the turnaround when she tells Kanji about her birthday is a great follow-up moment. You really know her very well, as good as the best authors I've seen on this site.
Everyone's little character bits come out very nicely in the scene at the apartment, and it's nice to see the friends acting as friends, even if some of them are a little more distant than others (though I think that's natural in a group this size). I love how Yukiko is very caring, Chie is very bold, Rise is charmingly conniving... You're doing a great job with everybody, so far as I'm concerned.
One little critique:
"How long have I been sleeping?" She asked.
This should actually be:
"How long have I been sleeping?" she asked.
This is because the "she asked" is completing the thought begun by the line of dialogue. This can be a very tricky rule to get straight, and I've had problems with it, myself, in the past. But when you are completing a thought with dialogue description ("she exclaimed", "he said", et al.), you don't need to capitalize, even if the dialogue sentence ends with a punctuation mark (a question mark, exclamation point, or period). Generally speaking, you do capitalize after punctuation, but for dialogue you make an exception, when the description is directly related to the dialogue.
"I see…" She looked away.
has capitalized the "She" because the description in this case is not completing the idea of the dialogue. The dialogue is already completed, and the "She looked away." is a separate description.
I told you it was confusing. :)
I hope that you take my criticisms in the way that they're meant. I don't want at all to discourage you. If the story and characterization weren't so strong - or if you didn't pay attention to grammar and spelling - I just wouldn't bother. But it *is* strong, and it *is* well done, that I feel like I owe it to you to be honest in critique. I'd love to see more from you, and I can already tell - with three chapters - that you're one of those writers who gets better all the time.
Thanks for posting this, here. There aren't many writers around here that can do the characterization this well, and I'm really glad that I can read it.
| BonusParts chapter 2 . 5/18/2010
Just catching up on the chapters (I like that you call them "Channels" - that's a neat little idea...though I wonder if there's more to it than just being different).
First: Very cute! The idea of a mystery (even a quite simple one) is a neat little ploy to get Naoto to enjoy her birthday surprise. Of course, it's obvious to us what's going on, but I like the way that Naoto's so preoccupied with the state of her hat that she starts jumping to the conclusion of thievery. :) Sometimes the detective is the one who's not paying attention to the clues around her. But it's a good observation of her, that she can get mired in the more minute details rather than see the big picture.
There are still a couple of little word choice mistakes, but nothing too major; those are easy mistakes to make, and a beta reader will help out with that kind of stuff (I think you mentioned in a later chapter that you're working with one, now).
The POVs are becoming a lot more clearer, here, too. There's still a bit of jumping back and forth within a scene, but it reads much more smoothly. Good job, there!
I also like some of the description, especially of the characters' actions: Yousuke putting his hands behind his head, Naoto turning the hat over in her hands (the descriptions of the hat are actually really well done), Teddie shooting his hand up - they all evoke those neat little character quirks.
| Kisdota-The Freak Gamer chapter 4 . 5/17/2010
OH THAT WAS ACTUALLY PRETTY INTERESTING, I'VE NEVER HEARD OF A TRICK LIKE KANJI'S, THOUGH I'M SMART ENOUGH TO KNOW NOT TO USE IT, GOOD CHAPTER LIKE ALWAYS. SHAME YOU WON'T BE DOING THE CAMPING TRIP LIKE SCENE WITH NAOTO, I WOULD HAVE LOVED TO SEE SOMETHING LIKE THAT INVOLVING NAOTO AND EVERYONE ELSE. THIS COURAGE TEST IS INTERESTING, I'M WONDERING WHAT KINDS OF THINGS YOU'LL PUT IT, YAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
| BonusParts chapter 1 . 5/16/2010
This is a good start, especially since you say that English is not your first language! It's got a lot of really solid description and sets the basic tone very well. And the characters - what little we've gotten to see from them - are pretty true to form.
There are a couple of mistypes (e.g., "no sighs of a clear sky" should be "no signs of a clear sky"), but nothing too distracting. Unfortunately, it's not the kind of error that a spell checking program would catch, so I think if you just take a day off and then read through it again - or ask someone else to read it - then you'll catch those little word slips.
One other thing to keep in mind is your perspective. You've got the main voices - Kanji and Naoto - down pretty well, but be careful when you switch from his point of view to hers. Generally speaking, each setting, section or chapter should be told from only one point of view, even if you're telling a story from third person omniscient. It's confusing, I know, but if you stick to one perspective per chapter or section, it allows the reader to get more in touch with that particular character's thoughts and feelings. Then, change the time, setting or the chapter to switch to the next person's perspective. Jumping around between perspectives from one paragraph to the next can be jarring for the reader, especially if it happens very frequently, and if you're getting into inner monologue (thoughts). It's easier for visual storytelling (comics, television, movies) to do this, because the reader is given visual clues as to whose perspective is in play...a lot harder to do in prose, which is why it's better to control those POV-jumping impulses.
Now, that doesn't mean that, say, Kanji can't guess as to what's going on in Naoto's head, or vice versa, depending on the current POV. But try to remember to keep the jumping back and forth to a minimum. It's difficult, but the more you practice, the easier it gets.
Other than that, the story's very strong, and I'm interested to see where it goes. It's not easy to pull off Kanji or Naoto, in my opinion, but you've got a great start here: very realistic, very simple, very human.
| Kisdota-The Freak Gamer chapter 3 . 5/15/2010
OK THIS IS ACTUALLY SOLID NICE WORK, THE PLOT'S SIMPLE AND UNDERSTANDABLE, THE PAIRINGS AREN'T BEING RUSHED YET WE SEE THEM, SO WHY THE FUG AIN'T YOU GETTING REVIEWS. JUST GO AS FAR AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN, PEOPLE WILL NOTICE AT SOME POINT. OK SO THE BIRTHDAY DIDN'T LAST AS LONG AS I THOUGHT IT WOULD BUT ITS END IS SATISFYING, SO THAT MEANS YOU'RE GONNA PULL OUT A FEW MORE THINGS AND PLOTS, WHAT ELSE HAVE YOU GOT PLANNED? YAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA