Reviews for Sacrifice
Kanto the Slayer chapter 1 . 11/3/2011
Okay, problems.

First person. Should be a bit more... personable. It sounded like you were talking instead of him, and that's bad form in my book. Sam doesn't talk in your voice, he talks in his. The guy's got a more casual tone, clipped in some places. This was too stiff.

Tell you what, read Jim Butcher's Dresden Files or Laurell K. Hamilton's Merry Gentry series on how exactly you should work a first-person POV.

Also, this was too short, too cut off. I wanted to see how he got to the island instead of him just, y'know, being there. I wanted to sit there in the briefing room beforehand and hear why he was there in the first place. Considering this was a one-shot, I can understand your reluctance in putting those kinds of details in. But still, the rule of show, don't tell applies to all stories in some way. So again, bad form.

Spelling and grammar aren't so much an issue in this, but missing a few commas here and there makes things look a bit sloppy. Couldn't help but notice.

Make it better. Then maybe I'll read it again. For now, it's forgettable.
Undead Gothic Princess chapter 1 . 6/17/2010
This was really good.

It's well written but i think theres a few commars missin in places...

The storyline is awsome, its tense as it should be and ends on a brilliant cliff hanger.

A Well worth readD

xx