|Reviews for The Jade Rose's Thorn|
| Guest chapter 2 . 11/1/2014
DAMN IT a cliffhanger & now it's been four years for crying out loud UPDATE IT ALREADY
| tuatara chapter 2 . 10/26/2010
I get the impression that this isn't going to have a traditional happy ending - meaning the reversal of the spell. It's got that type of foreboding that leaves my stomach knotted up and tense, as I'm the sort who ultimately wants things to turn out okay. Ranma having a master? Not really what I'd call "okay." I have what I think is a pretty solid guess as to the culprit, though I haven't quite connected all the dots involved.
I actually have mixed feelings about reading more of this, with both anticipation and anxiety at work here. As much as mind control stories may fascinate me, I'm more than a little horrified by the implications. Having your memories and personality rewritten, your identity sublimated to the whims of another...friggin' scary, yo. Anyone who would use a spell like that on someone is, well, a terrible person.
Anyway, enough seriousness. This is a solid piece of work and definitely deserves to be completed eventually. Thank you for sharing it!
| firemaster101 chapter 2 . 5/28/2010
| Franzibald chapter 2 . 5/28/2010
Okay, quick thing before I start the beef of this review. I THINK I noticed a continuity error here. During the last scene, where Ranma was carrying Nabiki off, you said that a light drizzle caused him to be turned into a girl, and while that’s all well and good, I think it’d be a bit problematic for a certain purple haired Amazon that was trailing the two. What I’m asking is, why didn’t Shampoo get turned into a cat if she got splashed with water? It doesn’t make sense.
Alright, now onto things, good chapter! I really like how this story is developing, it’s quite interesting. I’m glad you decided to add that little freaky dream at the beginning, really set the mood for things to come, and it was a good cold open. It raised a few new questions as well, and for a mystery story, that’s always good.
Of course, that’s not to say I didn’t like the rest of the chapter, while the middle section was pretty much what I was expecting to happen, with everyone on edge about Ranma’s new predicament, I was certainly not disappointed, or felt that it was bad. The whole scene with Nabiki though was quite interesting and surprising, I’m guessing that this story is going to end with her pairing up with Ranma? Coolio, I’m game for that… Though it COULD just be part of an elaborate set up for the events of the dream sequence to happen! Ranma x Mousse x Nabiki x Ryoga in some crazy-ass polygamy relationship! Wouldn’t that be a kicker?
All kidding aside, I think I can officially rule out the middle Tendo as a suspect, you had her give some introspection in this chapter, with her mentioning how it “wasn’t going to be her best day”, and if these are direct thoughts, then she can’t be the perpetrator, as no sane person would lie to themselves while thinking.
You also tossed a few other clues in, you had Ranma mention that the “Master”, liked to cook, and that SERIOUSLY narrows things down, to like, now just to a few people. I’m thinking though, that Kasumi is just a little TOO obvious, I’m pretty sure you’re aiming for her to be a red herring… Unless! Maybe… yes! You’re trying to be Meta, and are using reverse psychology, you make it so obvious; that you start to get people to think that it CAN’T be her, but in the end, it is! Oh- oh yeah… I’m on to you…
While I do have my fun with speculation, I won’t bore you anymore with it by going on; instead, I want to cover some of the problems you have with this. I don’t think I mentioned it in the first chapter, hell, I don’t think I NOTICED it, but you have serious problems with punctuation and run-on sentences. There has got to be at least two dozen, (and I don’t think I’m exaggerating here…) places in this chapter where I could point out that a comma, or something is needed.
I mean hell, in the very first line; no- after the very first WORD, you had a punctuation issue. “Groaning Ranma slowly began to stir and awaken.” Should read as “Groaning, Ranma slowly began to stir and awaken.” This happens CONSTANTLY throughout this chapter, and it makes for a somewhat bumpy ride for someone whose actually paying attention. Though if you’re just skimming, it’s not that bad.
Besides that, there were some funky word choices here and there, (again, I noticed one in the very first line, “…she smelt a strong antiseptic and sterile smell and instantly placed the smell as…” simply just doesn’t read right to me.) As well as a few places where the sentences ended rather incoherently, and I just didn’t understand the meaning at all. (I can’t seem to find any particular examples- I lost them, but I know there were at least two.) I’d highly suggest you find yourself an editor, someone who can go over this thing and give it the ole’ spit shine, it would improve things greatly.
I’m sorry if I’m sounding too harsh, I’m just picking things out as I see them, and really, don’t get me wrong, I AM enjoying this, I’m actually quite excited as to where this is going, and I definitely want to read more, I just tend to notice a lot of the little things when I read, and they bug me.
Also, your little side story there, that was a Warcraft reference, right? I haven’t really been playing… I lost a great deal of interest once they added in the goddamn space paladins…. (Though amazingly, I still partially keep up with things…)
Anyway, enough of my ramblings, good job, I enjoyed this one. I hope you can update when you can, just try and keep a bit of a keener eye on that punctuation, and you’re golden!
| Armastama chapter 2 . 5/27/2010
Really like the story and the direction it's taking. I've got my own suspicions and would love to see how you develop the plot. I don't mind the "-Chan" at all, and actually think it adds more to the mystery. Looking forward to more.
| Edrik chapter 1 . 5/20/2010
I am glad to see another mystery story here, one well written that is, last I checked the other decent mystery story was "Out of Sight, Out of Mind" by Turbamator. I can see this going into a psychological war type of story, which would be refreshing from these past cheap shots that I keep seeing around...
Obviously it is not Kuno, it would be a big disappointment if it were, so that is obviously one of the 'red herring' you were talking about in your note.
I don't know what more to comment on, you have a great writing style, you know how to present, and you make good use of a spell checker (or naturally a good speller).
I look forward to this epic mystery!
| Franzibald chapter 1 . 5/20/2010
Hmm, interesting start, I like what I'm reading so far. I always enjoy a good mystery story. I can't wait to see how this whole thing develops; it could turn dark pretty quickly if you tweaked it enough, you could also easily add in a fancy schmancy noir element if you wanted. There’s a lot of where this thing could go.
What I really want to know is how Ranma will be handling the situation though, he is in a bit of an odd place if you think about it, what with everyone looking over him, and watching his every move. Things are probably going to get pretty rough for our favorite aqua-transsexual. And it might cause the guy to be sent into a panic if things aren’t handled well. The whole way you work the forced mental alterations is also where you can throw in a lot of screwed up psychological drama, with him/her trying to resist the changes. If done in a certain way this story could very well fall under the "horror" category. Of course though, this is all not counting the distinct possibly that Ranma might just wake up as a completely different person, with the changes already done, though I think you’d be missing an opportunity for some gripping story-telling if you did that.
Anyway, your writing had a few spelling errors here and there littered about, but it didn’t detract anything from the quality. The characterization seemed good, though Nabiki came off as a bit of a bitch, though, at this point, with the mystery aspect being key, any odd interpretations could easily be viewed as a clue to “who dun’ it?”, rather than bad writing. So, good job there.
Moving on though, as for just who caused of this... hmm, well, in your author's note, you say that you laid clues throughout the chapter, which implies that the person who used the rose appeared or was already mentioned. So that rules out a lot of people already.
I assume it's not Kuno, as you already had the dream sequence involving him, and in the end having the blue blunder be the cause of it all would just be a bit TOO anticlimactic. It's definitely not Happosai, as that is simply just too obvious, and I don't think it's Cologne, as you hung a lampshade on her with what Nabiki said at the end, and although Shampoo and Mousse were mentioned, they haven't gotten enough screen time to justify them as suspects as of yet.
I also don't think it's either Soun or Genma, as this particular event would be counter-intuitive to their overarching plans for the schools... So that really just leaves one or more of the Tendo sisters. You could probably think up an equally fucked up reason for any of those three honestly, so the sky's the limit there, but I already have a few guesses and reasons floating around in my head.
Of course though, I could just be completely wrong and making a fool out of myself, and it could easily be someone else, or even one of the people I’ve discredited. Regardless, I'm interested in where this thing is going, and I hope you can find the time to continue it soon!
| Ranma711 chapter 1 . 5/20/2010
Interesting start, I'll continue to read, if you continue write :)