|Reviews for Kahlua Dawn|
| Maverick1401 chapter 16 . 2/17/2005
this was an excellent story
| stargrl chapter 18 . 10/24/2004
yup! I extremely love this alternate ending! This is because I just love Sasami and Tenchi pairing even though they're 'supposely' different in age. But when she assimilates with Tsunami it works out!
| heartluv chapter 18 . 9/19/2004
YEA! I really like the alternate Ending #2- I think that Tenchi and Sasami makes a great couple. I know that it sounds really weird that a little girl and an older guy can get together, but with Sasami's older form, she can!
| Auddie chapter 18 . 1/22/2004
Whoa, your story is wonderful! I really like reading the Alternate Endings but I don't get why Sasami gets to take Ryoko's thunder! I mean, she's to freaking perfect it just isn't fair. Should Washu or Mihoshi get the 'left over' guy? No, it's the stinkin' goddess/princess! That just isn't right... of course I hate Sasami so don't go by my standards! Anyways, your book rocks and I really hope you keep writing Tenchi FanFictions (Tenchi/Ryoko ones!).
| Jibril Mudo chapter 18 . 12/12/2003
Well, I read the story - it was okay, neither good nor bad - it just didn't elicit too much emotion from me, though I liked the Tenchi/Sasami ending_ My critique isn't meant to insult you nor judge you as a person, but I think that you had potential to do better:
1. Your characters felt very translucent. I think this is pretty much represented in the different versions of endings. I can't help but feel that one story, one ending, with build up towards it, both in outside events and in the characters of the story. Falling or knowing who was in love with whom in the last chapter felt somewhat cheap. Yes, I'm a Sasami/Tenchi fan, so I read the story for this ending, but still.
2. Your writing is very dialogue driven in a negative sense. I know the need to explain some things to the reader, but in an effort to do so, you put it all in the character's words. Sometimes it didn't feel like the characters were talking because they don't speak that way. It might be helpful if you put that sort of stuff outside the dialogue, not inside of it. Like a narrative. For example, in your 16th chapter:
Ryoko heard this and it gave her strength to continue, "I will admit that the idea of making love didn't seem very appealing to me after what had happened but…when I fell in love with you I realized that what Kagato did to me didn't mean anything…what he said about love being a weak, pointless, emotion wasn't true. And how when he touched me that wasn't the way someone I loved would have. Tenchi I don't want you to feel pressured. I just was our love making to express the deep emotions that we feel for each other. I could never be afraid of you Tenchi. I love you so much that I feel comfortable enough with you to do this."
I feel as though the dialogue should have been cut down while still conveying the same message, like this for example:
Ryoko heard this and it gave her strength to continue. "Making love didn't seem like fun after what had happened but..." she drifted off, realizing that what Kagato did to her didn't mean anything. Whatever he said about love being a weak, pointless, emotion wasn't true. "Tenchi I don't want you to feel pressured and I could never be afraid of you because I love you so much!"
It would also cut down the feeling that characters were making speeches, instead of talking.
Also, you might want to add on to the action instead of it being delivered by the talk.
3. Well, it seems to be an running problem in fanfiction, but not everybody has to fall in love or be paired at the end. It read as if the problems with the Yosho/Ayeka pairing in chapter 16 were ignored to pair Ayeka, resulting in extreme OOCness. Pairings should be done when they feel right, not just pairing the other characters when the ending comes.
| lilbsbllstar10 chapter 16 . 8/27/2003
well I just like to say I did read this before I just had to read it again and it was just like I said before I loved it and nice twists
| lilbsbllstar10 chapter 1 . 8/26/2003
man I just couldn't stop reading this and it reminded me of all the tenchi going on im my head I know ryoko would go with tenchi and you put a nice touch on it and I how you make a sequel to this it would be great well thanks men and maybe read mine, I think it sucks but hey I have more ideas if somebody hasn't writen a fanfic on it yet hahaha all in all good job buddy
| Arynnl chapter 1 . 6/24/2003
| silverswan1487 chapter 10 . 11/28/2002
jeez...ryoko just can't catch a break
| Abandonded and Left chapter 15 . 11/12/2002
Okay, im still reading, but but im so attacthed to Adrien that I want Ryoko to be togeather, i know your allready done so ill keep readin now...
| Zero chapter 1 . 10/24/2002
Your fic Hahlua dawn was awesome it was so cool and probly the best one I've read so far not to mention the longest but it was worth it.
| Some.Random.Person.Here chapter 18 . 4/23/2002
That was a turn in the story. Very interesting relationship.
| Angel-Goddess too lazy to sign in chapter 18 . 4/22/2002
OMG! YOU ARE LIKE SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO GOOD AT WRITING SUCH FICS! U CERTAINLY HAD ME WRAPPED UP IN THE PLOT OF THE STORY! I LOVED IT! I hope you make more of these wonderful fics!
| TM fanz chapter 17 . 4/21/2002
I DON'T like the Alternate Endings at all. I like the other ending, I mean the regular one, I HATE Ayeka. She's a bitch. She doesn't deserve Tenchi nor does she deserve anyone else in the story. TR forever!
| OoO Ryouko OoO chapter 1 . 4/21/2002
Omg such a good story it took me like a day to read I was so into it. You should really keep writing if you'd like. Kahlua Dawn is a very good story.