|Reviews for These Aren't the Droids You're Looking For|
| pisoprano chapter 27 . 4/8
This is now one of my favorite fics. I was either smiling or laughing the whole way through and I loved how everything that happened onscreen happened yet there was so much more to it all. Excellent work.
| pisoprano chapter 6 . 4/8
Okay, you've just turned all of Star Wars on its head *how* many times in the last few chapters? What next? Palpatine is secretly a good guy and a clone and from the future and a sex-changed Padme?
| A Heretical Bacchant chapter 14 . 2/2
Haha. The sand...this story is most unlike sand.
| ezmegaz chapter 27 . 12/23/2014
And yet again the Jedi solve the problems with the use of bravery, guts... and shitloads of clones.
Wonderful story, again.
| Hochmeister chapter 27 . 10/27/2014
Loved it! Had a random thought near the end though...
Epilogue: Byss, Galactic Core
Darth Sideous idly sipped at a tumbler of exquisite liquer as he lounged about under the bright sunlight of his beachside resort at Byss, scanning the latest reports from the rest of the galaxy. It was ironic indeed that his wayward apprentice had come up with the same idea as him, and even more so that the clone he had left behind to manage his Empire all those years ago had been struck down by Vader's clone. Years of toil and frustration at the head of galactic government must have severely dulled his alter ego's abilities for him to have been so blind to Vader's machinations. The Sith Lord snorted contemptously at his unwitting pawn. Decades of plotting and machinations had placed him at the head of the galaxy, only to realize that the chains of government were far more burdensome than any that the Jedi would have placed on him had he been caught.
The old man stretched lazily, and took a long puff from the hand carved pipe he had become so fond of. So what if the petty simpletons in the galaxy wanted to return to their miserable squabbling democracy? The epitome of the Dark Side was selfishness, and binding himself to maintaining order for trillions of whiny inferiors for the rest of his life most certainly did not fit that tenant of the code. No, once the thrill of galactic conquest had worn off the endless minutae of government finally began to crush down on his shoulders and sanity. After a few years as Emperor, he had come realize that he hated the job. Palpitine idly toyed with the idea of returning and conquering the galaxy all over again before dismissing it. Been there, done that, even had the T-shirt. He had everything he wanted on Byss, and free of the duties of galactic conquest he could probe deeper into the mysteries of the Dark Side than any before him. There was so much still unknown about the interactions between the Force and the galaxy's countless drugs, but he intended to investigate each and every one of them quite thoroughly...
| Guest chapter 23 . 9/10/2014
The Executor has also been lost, and Admiral Piett as well,
Noo! I liked him
| K chapter 20 . 9/10/2014
"That's everyone," Boba Fett said, helping the last of the Sarlacc's victims was to safety. "Hey... Darek's hurt pretty bad," he told Mara quietly, nodding toward one of Jabba's guards. "I need to get him back to the palace." He turned his helmeted gaze toward her speeder. "Do you mind?" he asked. "I'll come back in my ship for the rest of you."
Yay he didn't have to stay in the pit
"Secret?" Okay, let me put that in my confidential file... Artoo blinked worriedly, noting that his secret memory drive was nearly full. There's tons of stuff in here, he confessed, scanning through his files. Anakin and Padme's wedding on Naboo; Luke and Leia's baby pictures... Ah, here's a free spot, Artoo sighed in relief, carefully filing away this new information. Secret trip to Dagobah number two... Got it.
I love R2s narriation , you do everyone's so well
| K chapter 19 . 9/9/2014
far too long. Well now I don't want to die, Vader confessed, realizing the cruel irony. He makes me want to live. But that was the heartbreaking reality of LTWTL; its victims usually had a strong passion for life, and families who loved them
I always thought it strange that that's how Padame died. I like your explanation better
I don't want to spend my final months in a hospital bed, listening to some droid yelling 'Oobaa, Oobaa' at me all day long. Vader had come to know that sound all too well, as it was the official interplanetary medical term for LTWTL. He had angrily decimated at least six dozen medical droids over the past four years; but it was of no use. The doctors just kept ordering more, to torment him endlessly with their useless diagnoses. But never again, Vader resolved. I refuse to die in a medical ward. I'd rather die right here.
Presently a white figure appeared before him, and Vader smiled in teary-eyed disbelief. It's an angel, he knew. He had heard the deep space pilots talk about them as a boy; they lived on the moons of Iego. And apparently the moons of Endor as well, Vader realized now, overwhelmed with joy. Ohh... It's beautiful... He wished he could see it more clearly, but his vision was hopelessly blurred by tears.
Moons of Lego? Is that a refrance to the Lego games? Sweet!
Well this isn't quite what I expected, Vader confessed; he hadn't given it a whole lot of thought, but somehow he'd assumed that the journey to the afterlife would involve floating, rather than this constant jostling and bouncing. "Where are you taking me?" he asked; the Jedi had taught him that people transform into the Force when they die, but this was evidently very different.
Nice death scene
"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh!" Johnny yelled, instantly getting to his feet and grabbing his blaster, shooting laser fire in all directions. He's a true Stormtrooper, Vader thought wryly, noting that Johnny hadn't managed to hit a single one of them. But I can't miss out on this, he decided, getting painfully to his feet and igniting his red lightsaber. I haven't been in a fight like this since - way too long, Vader admitted, twirling his lightsaber around in an impressive show of aggression.
How did republic win the war?
| K chapter 18 . 9/9/2014
I quote what I quote beacuse its awesome
She's not doing any better than I ever did, though, Vader thought wryly. Mara was currently on Tatooine, working as a scantily-clad dancer in Jabba's palace; she was hoping to catch the Rebels when they showed up to rescue Solo. My title is in danger, he admitted worriedly. In his lifelong endeavor to become the Worst Sith Lord Ever, Vader had never once resorted to exotic dancing to get the job done. I'd better work harder at this, or she's going to steal my glory.
Would he even be able to do erotic dancing? I am now currious and disturbed
| K chapter 18 . 9/9/2014
What? Johnny blinked in surprise as the top-secret files suddenly became accessible. I passed Darth Vader's retinal scan? He shuddered at the thought. I guess he doesn't have retinas, Johnny deduced, sighing. Well that's not much of a security measure, he confessed, accessing the confidential files and inserting his datachip. I suppose that's why General Willard didn't bother mentioning it to me. Though he might have at least warned me about it, Johnny frowned indignantly. I almost had a heart attack there.
Status: Not dead, Johnny thought mischievously, updating his employment information. Pay rate: Five billion - no, I'd better just leave that alone, he decided. Current Assignment...? Johnny frowned, deleting the seven transfer records he'd accumulated in just two months of service. I'm a completely average Stormtrooper, he decided. I've been stationed aboard the Devastator for the past two years.
Omg, awesome. And I like the nerf hearders
| K chapter 16 . 9/9/2014
"Wow," Johnny said quietly, blinking. "No, Luke," he told him. "Leia says your dad was the one that put Vader in that suit," he pointed out, giving Luke a reassuring smile. "These voices you hear... that's not normal," Johnny warned him. "You can't believe what they tell you."
Oh my god! Double irony! or something
| K chapter 15 . 9/9/2014
I love this chapter! It has everything!
She'd had this problem ever since she was a young princess, on Alderaan. Leia had often awakened in the night, imagining that she'd seen a Nerf herder in her bedroom, lurking in the shadows and watching her quietly as she slept. But when her parents had heard her cries and rushed in to investigate the situation, she had been forced to admit that it was just her imagination playing tricks on her. Why would a Nerf herder be in your bedroom? Bail had pointed out gently, tucking her back in bed. You're on the twelfth floor of the royal palace, and all the doors are locked, he'd reassured her. I promise you, there's no way a Nerf herder could get in through your window.
Leais nerf header trama.
"He told me enough," Luke replied. "He told me you killed him."
What? Vader blinked, stunned. No, Luke... Crap, is that what Obi-Wan told you? he realized suddenly. Well no wonder you hate me... "No," Vader said, dismayed by the cruel lie. "I am your father." It's me, Luke... I love you.
See? I'm doing fine, Vader realized, finding Luke in the lower hallway. Hi, Luke, he thought cheerfully, as they resumed their lightsaber fight. My vision's pretty blurry, he confessed. But that's okay; a Jedi uses the Force to fight, he reminded himself.
Then he frowned, troubled. Wait... No, I'm a Sith, Vader remembered, feeling a sudden twinge of shame at the thought. But not just any Sith, he reassured himself. I am the Worst Sith Lord Ever! Vader realized triumphantly, as they continued to fight. All quake in terror, as I slash randomly at inanimate objects with my red lightsaber of doom! he laughed to himself, striking maniacally at the walls and railings as he drove Luke backwards. My stupidity will rule the galaxy! Gaaaaarrrgghhh!
Anikin Skywalker: worst sith ever : )
"Aaaaahhhhhhhhh!" Luke cried, dismayed by the loss of his lightsaber.
Don't worry, Luke; we'll make you a new one, Vader thought cheerfully. It'll be fun! But the boy continued screaming childishly, and Vader frowned in disapproval. It's only a lightsaber; don't be such a baby. All right, Step Two: 'Victory, you must then declare.' "There is no escape," he told Luke. And Step Three: 'Destroy you, make me don't...' - oh, right: "Don't make me destroy you," Vader warned him. See? I've still got it, he realized, pleased with himself. Luke and I are gonna do just fine.
"Luke, you can destroy the Emperor," Vader told him. "He has foreseen this. It is your destiny," he pleaded. "Join me, and together we can rule the galaxy, as father and son!" he added enthusiastically; then he furrowed his brows. Yeah, that was the Tibanna gas talking, he confessed, realizing that last part was slightly delusional. I don't want to rule the galaxy; I just want to set things right.
Chewie roared in frustration, running back to fix the hyperdrive; Leia followed him out of the cockpit, deciding to check on Luke. Maybe HE can punch Lando in the face, and get us out of here, she thought optimistically; but as she reached the first aid station, she gasped in horror. How can he punch Lando in the face... if he hasn't got a hand? Leia rushed to his side. "Luke, what happened?" she asked, her heart sinking. This is... awful, she realized, tears springing to her eyes. He seemed all right before; I had no idea...
"Vader," Luke moaned unhappily, as Leia rifled frantically through the Falcon's first aid kit, looking for something that might help. Painkillers... Antibiotic ointment... Bandages... Aha! Temporary prosthetic hand, she sighed in relief, grateful that Han had been prepared for this exact scenario. And it's a Righty... Perfect, Leia told herself stubbornly, forcing aside her profound dismay as she gently strapped it onto Luke's arm.
This entire passage
"Lightsaber," Luke moaned deliriously. "Ben... Yoda... Pollywog soup... Vader... Tibanna gas... Father... Noooooo..."
Ahh, that would explain it. Vader was still feeling the effects of the Tibanna gas, and struggling to grasp what was happening. "Good," he told Piett; but then he blinked, realizing what his Admiral had just accomplished. He's managed to capture Luke for me, when my own methods failed, he confessed, feeling a surge of newfound hope. This is perfect! Piett, you're the best. "Prepare the boarding party, and set your weapons for stun," he commanded the Admiral. I don't want anyone getting hurt.
And admiral Piett.
This story is awesome. I just wanted to review at my favorite chapter! Though its a tough choice
| zipzin chapter 27 . 7/18/2014
This is one of the best stories I have ever read. I was laughing pretty much the whole time and the whole thing was ridiculous and awesome at the same time. This was amazing and the way you write is awesome too. I just don't know what to say except that this is awesome.
| Aubrey Lowe chapter 27 . 5/16/2014
I have been waiting to read a story like this one for ages and heck you delivered. That is one of the best stories I've read in a while. Thank-you. My friend says he dying word is officially going to be 'Nawibo' and we have named our maths teacher 'Master Reltub' in honour of this story. This story made me very happy, so I wish all of that happiness back at you tenfold.
Have a good one,
| Oh I am Slain chapter 27 . 5/5/2014
This story was a delight to read. Thanks for sharing!