Reviews for The Price of Power and Value of Hypocrites
The Blackjack chapter 33 . 3/3/2012
I was thinking the other day, "When was the last time I reviewed this?" and the answer was "A pretty darn long time." What? When did time start passing so quickly? Geez, I feel like an old person.

"It seemed the only sounds in this part of the city were the feet of our Senche-Raht against the dirt and metal boots of soldiers. This area possessed an aura of unsettling sterility." Sort of to use sterile and dirt so close to each other.

"First this one is going to need to ask some questions...How is this infection...ummm...manifesting itself?" Strange for a handful of reasons, both due to the lack of space between the elipses, as well as not enough description for me to make out the voice of the Khajiit.

"a daedroth in the distance." That's a pretty nice piece of aliteration.

Densius turns to being a revolutionary author. Interesting path, and one that keeps him moving farther away from his soldiering career.

"Torval was destroying itself in ridiculous ways" Yup. I li'm a fan of the inherant chaoticness of the Khajiit.
The Blackjack chapter 32 . 2/13/2012
Hmm, this is a nominal chapter. That made me think it would be long and critically important, but it was sort of short. No worries.

"I suddenly became extra self-conscious. My chewing became a mechanical necessity" Little awkward.

Densius is surprised that his order to murder a shopkeeper got him in trouble. Heh.

Last line is italicised? Thought or for emphasis?

Densius is already exhausted after two days of going rogue. Dosen't bare well for his future.

Also, this is SO WEIRD. I wrote this review on Saturday, posted it, and FF told me "nope, error." Then I couldn't log in. Now, as soon as I log in to rewrite it, it appears all done and written as soon as I hit the write review button. Wha!
The Blackjack chapter 31 . 12/26/2011
It's for the best to have Ocato be a potentate. But still, I now have this sick desire to see him murdered with MORAG TONG written above him in blood.

So, when Densius sings, we have a chunk italizied with no quotes, and a part not italizied with quotes. Might want to standardize that.

Amen is a particularly Christian phrase. Might want to drop it from Arkay's prayer.

Cremation doesn't just leave a human-shaped pile of ashes (which probably wouldn't stay human-shaped). There's usually at least bone fragments left at the end: it's a lot nastier than you see in movies.

Maybe you could make the first batch of Rizzani's letters more obscure. I could make out the last helf without Densius' help, and the Empire has frequently used downright crazy coding schemes (check the letter to Caius Codases if you haven't yet for an example)

Might be more stuff if I give it a second glance, but there's my first thoughts, at any rate.
nightdragon0 chapter 31 . 12/21/2011
Have to wonder how much of a backup plan Rizzani had in order to someone to follow his footsteps, in case something were to happen to him. Fidelis unfortunately seems to have nothing much but to shift through the Captain's notes. At first I was thinking why he would have 'sensitive' information conveniently written down, but I realized it's probably a protocol to document important military action.

I was thinking that Skyrim's new lore might disrupt the background a little, but well you've got a long gap inbetween those timelines. So either way, you've got something to work with.
The Blackjack chapter 30 . 12/17/2011
29)

Rizzani's death was handled really well. There were a couple of really excellent descriptions-

"Rizzani's body now just a bag of flesh, a tombstone."

Fantastic.

It's odd how Densius still sees himself as a lowly corporal after BotB. I know rank ! accomplishment, but he's done a lot more than most of his brothers in arms, I'd wager.

30)

"An independent nation". Well, no one said Densius didn't think big.

Quite a turnaround for Densius here. He's pretty much ordering an assassination. There's an interesting hypocrisy as he thinks he's better than Jilheen-Bolineena, but goes with the hit all the same.

Also, in the last chapter, he's being bogged down, seeing himself as a "fleshy child". Now he's ending it with "Bring it on". I think we should see a little more of how he bridges that gap. The one ppg doesn't cut it, IMO.

BAM. That's the sound of me be officially caught up.
nightdragon0 chapter 30 . 12/13/2011
Jilheen seems more motivated by revenge in this situation. So Fidelis is really in a kind of tight position, being the 'leader' and yet not officially one at the same time.
The Blackjack chapter 28 . 12/10/2011
The situation in Elswyer continues to deteriorate. Densius still has hope, it seems, but it'll be a question of how long he'll keep it up, especially as the conflict continues to rage on and on...

Two mingles near each other. Word repetition is more and more jarring based on how uncommon the word is. Mingle is one of those words that'll stick out.

Interesting how returning back to human is becoming a chore... Hmm...

Again, short, but not bad.
The Blackjack chapter 27 . 12/10/2011
Another short chapter. Again, that's not inherently bad, it's just there's only so much I can say.

Every so often, you make these odd turns of phrase that aren't... Wrong, but they just seem a little off, especially when it comes to interal descriptions. The offender here is "my imagination could not assimilate." I get what your saying, but I think there's a simpler way to get that across. Even a "I could understand" makes it a lot smoother.

Something I've also been edging away from is using races as pronouns too much. I've done that a lot in the past and thought nothing of it. Now, however, I feel as though it's a little amateurish. It's fine every once in awhile, but I'm moving to using it much more sparingly. Your choice if you want to follow suit.

Time for premiere missions!
The Blackjack chapter 26 . 12/3/2011
Oh, Densius. Happy to be a hero to a nation full of dicks.

Still, jerkishness is typical in pretty much every TES race. Khajiit should be no different.

Jilheen-Bolineena creates an upcoming subplot that I should've seen coming, but I didn't. Without the fist and discipline of the Legion, how will the former soldiers change?

I think you misused guttural. It normally is only ascribed to voices, if memory serves.

Not a huge amount here. There are a lot of words, but little plot advancement. That's not a huge problem, because we get lots of scenes of Torval, but it's something I noticed, at any rate.
The Blackjack chapter 25 . 12/3/2011
Again, I apologize for being behind in reviewing. This week was kind of rough employment-wise.

Still, everyone has now decided to stay, and so on with the main plot!

Crito takes their desertion surprisingly lightly. Normally militaries aren't so lax when it comes to leaving them. That goes double when the people going rogue are filled to the brim with state secrets.

Also, him yelling "alright!" as he declared them out of the Legion seemed a tad... Undramatic compared to what I think it should've been.

It's a nice close, though. Densius is all proud of himself, but no one says anything. It makes a nice mood through contrast.
Arty Thrip - Alpha 04 chapter 26 . 12/3/2011
Very soon I am going home and will not be able to read this until at least January. It's a shame, really... I should have caught up by now, I know. I'm sorry.

'cornucopia of steel and iron Redguard assumed' I have a nasty feeling you've missed a word, and I'm ashamed to say that I cannot quite figure out just which word that is... Mayhaps 'the', though I cannot be certain.

I like the way that you've captured the grimness of this place. It's very good. All the little details are brilliant. I do not see how seven soldiers (well, five, but I'm sure the other two can fight if they need to) can fight hundreds of guerillas though... It's ludicrous.

Yes, this is a good chapter, I think. Though it seems that you upload two chapters for every one I managed to leave a review on. 'Tis an unfortunate situation, really.

ARTY
The Blackjack chapter 24 . 11/17/2011
After so much Skyrim, it's time to do the time warp again and return to a time where Altmer knew their place, dragons stayed on coins, and Argonians didn't have to freeze in the north.

Not a whole lot actually happens here, which is fine. We see some feelings on the withdrawal,

"Mental climates"...? Hrm... It's so close to being clever, but comes off a tad awkward. I really want to like it, but...

Now that I think about it, is Ehlnofey appropriate to use here? I usually see it in the context of Old Ehlnofey.

Well, the next chapter is "Stay or Leave," so we'll see Densius' decisions soon.

Spoiler alert: I think he's gonna stay.
nightdragon0 chapter 29 . 11/17/2011
Suddenly, he's in the spotlight. In a way, it's what Fidelis wanted...to be able to continue fighting. but in a way, also not, as I don't think he ever expected to lead.
The Blackjack chapter 23 . 11/10/2011
Well, it looks like I've finally gotten to the main plot of Densius heading off by his lonesome. Cool.

Ocato falls off the throne. That seems rather extreme for a single botched mission. The Tamrielic Empire seems to resemble more and more an elector state like the Holy Roman Empire.

Not too much else to report. This chapter moved the plot along nicely. The story seems to be picking up more steam, and I'm eager to see where it'll head next.
The Blackjack chapter 22 . 11/6/2011
Well, I have enough time this evening to review this chapter at the very least. And unlike the other ones, there's some meat on its bones, so I'll have things to write about.

Keep in mind to always use dashes instead of hyphens. It's easy to make the mistake, but it can be striking how different they look.

"Fight or flight -juices-"? That sounds kind of silly.

Wow, some deaths. Jeelen's was rather abrupt-that's a good thing, though. Keeps things really tense.

The aftermath was well-written here, too. It's a pretty good chapter, through and through. I was pretty impressed. And while it makes me eager to read on, I'll leave the next chapter for tomorrow.
73 | « Prev Page 1 2 3 4 .. Last Next »