|Reviews for Broken|
| Magical Mistress Sarai chapter 1 . 11/3/2010
Well written, though a bit wordy at periods. You should smooth out some of the super-fluidity in your images. For example, when you are talking about the tiled wall with chains, you make a great effort to describe the make up of the chains, when it isn't really necessary.
"Iron hoops trailed from the rings, ending in a coiled sort of manner on the floor. The coils trailed up to a pair of manacles..."
You could merely use the word "chains" and then describe the look of the chains. Most people know what chains look like... so if you tell us that they are "fairly new, with a slight shine to them... reflecting what little light played in the room"; then we as readers know that whoever is holding Nico probably when to his nearby hardware store and bought them recently. If the chains are "grimy, with years of dirt and rust wearing at the metal... oiled over the years to maintain their flexibility"; then you tell us several things... you give a description of the chains and you make us wonder how many people this man has kidnapped. Images tell the story, and sometimes you have to know which images to choose.
That's really my only suggestion: fix some of the overly, unnecessary superfluous sections. Otherwise this is a very interesting little piece, which I would love to know more about.
| JRose16 chapter 1 . 10/14/2010
that kinda creeped me out
| Orochi-Ne chapter 1 . 7/11/2010
Never realized it was you that wrote this story. I've been meaning to review for sometime now. But, you know how things get. Anyway, I admire your writing stle in this fanfic. Dark and gloomy. Nico's style. I didn't expect Percy at first but, that's what makes me like it more. -Why do I keep leaving this long reviews?
| Karma's Inferno chapter 1 . 7/6/2010
I love your description. I could just feel the gloom hanging in the air. Very... Very... I'm not sure how to describe it, but I really liked the darkness about it. You created a brilliant atmosphere. Terrific.
Your plotline was interesting, but a bit confusing at parts. Just a smidge more tinkering and tweaking, and it would be perfect!
| 44444444 chapter 1 . 6/15/2010
I really liked it. :)
Your very good at painting a clear picture everything - I could just see the street and house in my mind. It was very well written from something so short, and I don't think I noticed any grammar errors.
The only thing I can say is that, at first, I thought it was Nico walking and Percy who was bound. But then I re-read and realized I had read and understood it wrong. xD
| trekkie56 chapter 1 . 6/5/2010
That was really good! But, truthfully; I also found it a little confusing. Like, I thought Nico was the one that liked the dark, but Nico was tied up..? I don't know..maybe I'm just dumb. Haha, anyway I loved the concept! Great writing!
| Jiggy Azalea chapter 1 . 6/4/2010
Shame on you. SHAME ON YOU. Noooooo!