|Reviews for Yakuza Girl|
| Robin G. Fellow chapter 18 . 8/31/2012
Don't take this personally. This is constructive criticism. I'm not trying to hurt you, I'm trying to help you improve. I think this story has potential to be a lot better. Constructive criticism can be painful, but it's very useful for ironing out kinks in your story.
Why is she living apart from her mother though? Wouldn't it make more sense to move her mother to where she is? Why was she living apart from her father to begin with? That's rather unsafe. Were her parents still married? There's a hole in the background itself.
There are a few inconsistencies like with the teacher. Unless the principle or someone higher up was bribed, why would the teacher be frustrated? If the teacher is someone that can be bribed then why would they care or get irritated? Of course, for trouble to be averted, someone higher up should have been bribed, not the teacher. That would explain why the teacher was frustrated: they can't do anything because their boss is telling them to look the other way.
As for the Copycat Will...what is that? Her will to copy her subordinates? I think it's best you just stick to her using Dying Will flames or something already mentioned in the series. That really bothered me.
Why on earth was Arata tutoring her? He was nine. Just because he's some sort of prodigy doesn't mean he's a good teacher. If she and Tsuna were such good friends how could he not have noticed what was going on? Why didn't they stay in contact? Reborn can tutor Tsuna because Reborn is an arcobaleno.
It doesn't seem like you've read the entire series so I won't spoil it for you. I suggest you finish it or read an overview.
This is a fun story. You have good humor and the upbeat feeling to the story is reminiscent of Reborn!'s first arc.
Now onto characterization. This is the biggest issue I have. People are a lot more willing to ignore plot holes if the characterization and story line are good. Unless they're gaping in which case people will notice.
To be honest, she's a Mary Sue. Her character isn't particularly vibrant. Three guys like her (one of them being the enemy). Reborn's trying to push them together. She doesn't get punished for her misdeeds (or is let off lightly). Hibari is wildly out of character with her. The "producer" line was good, but why was he giving her a nickname? He doesn't pay attention to herbivores except for when they annoy him. From the moment she first sassed him or disrupted the peace, he should have beaten her up.
Even so, I think the others were mostly in character. The way Tsuna dismisses the thought of her liking him since he still likes Kyoko is very Tsuna.
Also, sometimes I can catch a glimpse of Tohru as more than a words on a page, but as a girl. For example, when she got depressed about humiliating herself in front of Tsuna due to the bullet. Or when she tries to tell Kyoko to back off and is so frustrated she tells her outright due to Kyoko being Kyoko.
I'd expected her to be shyer with the boy she likes, but perhaps she's more aggressive. I half expected her to think "ah! What was I doing!? I almost kissed him!"
Since she knows that he still likes Kyoko and all. Either way, I could understand those emotions and it made her seem more human to me.
So that's why I know the character she's meant to be is still in there somewhere.
She's still a brat though. I mean, back at Osaka, she didn't even letting other kids close to her and having them call her "honorable boss" and the like or be punished-actually, that shows a very dark side of her there. A type of person that looks down on others and rules with fear.
I can understand her being a brat in Namimori. I've been bullied before. I understand her feelings very, very well. It's understandable why she's more resentful. It's doesn't excuse her behavior, but it's understandable. However, her behavior in Osaka shows it's not just Namimori. There are even small mentions of how "this isn't worthy of her" and the like which really cement my opinion of her as an arrogant person.
Of course, no one calls her out on her behavior. If it were written as a flaw, it would work, but instead it's written as if it is the truth. As if she is superior to them all. It makes it worse, really.
She doesn't seem particularly professional, but the actual KHR series isn't quite that serious so it shouldn't be too awful.
Truthfully, I think you're better off making her a heir versus a head. She gets more mobility that way and childish behavior is more tolerable. As the head of a Yakuza family, she would have grown up very quickly, even in the KHR world. She's still a child in her thoughts and actions so it doesn't quite match.
And yes, I have read stories on Lunaescence that are in second person where the "reader" has a strong character so it's not just the format that's doing this. I suggest you write it out in third person like you did in the prologue and go from there. It'll help you catch the inconsistencies if you look at her from an outsider's point of view.
Once again: her subordinates are funny. I like them. They're goofy, but competent and they still worry for her. Naturally, they follow her to Tsuna's house as good subordinates do. Reborn's way of getting her to spill was interesting. Their earnestness is endearing. Their characterization is particularly deep, but this is the daily arc and they're still pretty cute.
The ten year bazooka hitting one of her subordinates instead of her was a good twist. Normally, it's the main OC that gets hit. I like these bits I see. I really do.
It's the small things, but it makes a difference. That's why I know you can do better.
This is a fun story. I think if you put more thought in it, it would do very well. This is probably a just for fun sort of story, but you've written a lot of stories so I'd like to help you out.
| long live marshmallows chapter 18 . 8/1/2011
hhahahaa! Tsuna almost got kissed and he didn't seem to mind until that little kid said cooties XDDDD
| LifeIsARayOfSunshine chapter 18 . 6/30/2011
Pretty, Pretty, Pleaseee Update This Story!
| Xelia Lagan chapter 18 . 3/27/2011
wow nice story hope you update soon nya! :3
| Ookami Sakura chapter 17 . 12/26/2010
tehe but they still dont know about the Vongola.. Update soon!
| kimkakashi chapter 17 . 12/21/2010
This was a fun chapter the 2 old and young women got detention from some of 'middle age' lol
Well can't wait for the next chap. What awaits for the tough Kumicho~?
| kimkakashi chapter 16 . 12/21/2010
ALRIGHT~! UPDATE~ :3
Well I have to say nothing much really happened but I like the part at the end where she fainted at "Do you like Tsuna-kun?"
Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww so cute~
And HAHAHAHAHAHA to the "PMS-ing" THUMBS UP!
| xxGurenxx chapter 17 . 12/11/2010
Awww, I love this! It's so funny and pretty well written.
Though, going back to an old chapter where Hachiro was hit by the ten year bazooka... Tsuna and Tohru get married and join forces under the Vongola! Yesss, I know, I'm right. _;
I'm thoroughly surprised this story doesn't have more reviews. It really should.
Anywho! Can't wait for the next.
| kimkakashi chapter 15 . 10/11/2010
Awwwwwwwwww here comes the "future bit". I love your story hope you keep going on.
| kimkakashi chapter 12 . 10/11/2010
AWESOME re-introduction of characters! Lol "...gay" Hachiro~!
| kimkakashi chapter 10 . 10/11/2010
Haha! Hachiro's a fun character I like him. Better than Arata I might add though they are almost practically the same level. Awwww success to both of them!
| kimkakashi chapter 8 . 10/10/2010
Hahahaha loved the last bit. Nice way of putting the M in there. Awwwwww she thinks something the little fishy~!
| kimkakashi chapter 4 . 10/10/2010
HAHAHAHAHA! That's NEW!...PRODUCER! That cracked me up a lot. I must say to think I thought she'd be those usual tough girls turned sensitive. But she's already a goody-two-shoes.
| kimkakashi chapter 2 . 10/10/2010
Hahahaha so cute. At-chan is like an overprotective brother. And I think it's supposed to be "Takeshi"
| SkyGem chapter 14 . 9/5/2010
i lov this story! i'm surprised it doesn't have more reviews. please update soon! and some characters seem to be missing. wat happened to Ryohei, Bianchi, Lambo, I-pin, and Haru?