|Reviews for Chapter|
| bacon rocks chapter 1 . 10/15/2011
this is way horrible. i couldn't read this because it's all bunched up. i now have a headache, this is crap, to be honest, its actually an insult to fanficioners. sorry but I can't lie. I hope that you can fix it soon and read the reviews and do what they say like:
don't bunch it up
actually have a plot
try your best
the next time you plan to post something USE THE SPELL CHECK IT IS THERE FOR A REASON! spell check also does grammar and stuff like spacing and using the flipping ENTER KEY! Don't ruh it and like slow down when you right this because the quality is awful BUT the story isn't all that bad.
| thisiscrapwhydidyoupostthis chapter 1 . 10/15/2011
this is crap, why did you post it? there is:
this is absolutely terrible. i'm sorry to say that this isn't even writing, its crap. sorry. you need practice. a lot. i think you should take it down because it is ultra confusing and overall terrible.
| AnimeGirl1220 chapter 1 . 7/9/2011
... I'm not going to lie, that was pretty bad. It's not the actual story, it's more like the way you wrote it.
For one thing, when you move from one topic to the next, or when someone starts speakig, start a new paragraph. When it's all bunched up like that, it's hard to read.
Second, you have a LOT of frangmented and run-on sentences.
'While he was catching glimpse's of every street sign he came to a screeching hault and started remembering the Beale's but he said,"no I need to move on I tried but it does not ever work'' Maniac always tried to help it would last for several months and then GONE he was so tired of it he screamed in his sleep.'
The way you wrote it, it was one continuous sentence; a very long run-on. Here's a possible way for it to be written correctly:
'While he was catching glimpses of every street sign, he came to a screeching hault and started remembering the Beales'.
But, he said, "No, I need to move on. I tried, but it doesn't ever work."
Maniac always tried to help. It would last for several months, and then GONE. He was so tired of it he screamed in his sleep.'
Next, your grammar was pretty off. Like I said, it's not a BAD story, but the grammar and punctuation could use some work.
Finally, the capitalization and spacing... I have to say, you rarely capitalized the beginning of your sentences and had spacing inall the wrong places (most of them, anyway), and no spacing where you needed it. With a little work, this could be a very good story, and if you're willing to fix these basic grammar and puncutaion issues, then I'd love to see where you take this.
I like how you made Maniac go back to Aunt Dot, and the little thing about Uncle Dan cheating on Aunt Dot with a young blonde girl. Though there are some, er, well, a lot of issues with the way you wrote it, I think that this shows some real promise. I'd like to see more, just written correctly. Goodluck!
| SoSay chapter 1 . 6/10/2011
...what? i didnt understand ANY of that. terrible
| Disgraceful Duckling chapter 1 . 1/10/2011
Darkvampire66 is my hero. To add to their critique, I'll point out that when a character is speaking and you put quotation marks to signify this, you do not put a space between the first quotation and the first word. Also, period marks can and should be placed within the quotations. I'm also using the previous reviewer's(note the possessive apostrophe) example of the capitalized letter in the first word of a sentence.
Your characters were saying " this", When they really should have been saying,
Note I also dropped a line before another character speaks, helping to specify when another character is talking(also from the review by darkvampire66).
I hope this helps in some way, have a nice -insert time of day that you believe it to be at the point that you're reading this here-!
| DeadAccountIsDeadNow chapter 1 . 6/10/2010
...Let's talk about this...
1. When writing a STORY you must put the CHAPTERS in the STORY. Fanfiction higher-ups delete stories that have seperate chapters. You must go into 'Publish' and go into 'My Stories' You click on 'Outcast' Then you click on 'Upload chapter' From there you SHOULD be able to figure it out.
2. Jennie's coke is cold. You use 's when it is possessive. You were suppoused to do glimpises see?
3. DO NOT bunch it together. Then it's hard to read. I couldn't even read it to tell you the truth. When someone speaks you drop a line. Like...
EX.) Naruto smiled widely at his lover and as he smoothed back Sasuke's bangs Naruto whispered,
"Sasuke, I love you."
4. "When writing something within words, you must CAPITILAZE the first word." You CAN NOT "have it like this."