|Reviews for Saving Ilkar|
| Reinamarie Seregon chapter 5 . 8/15/2013
please keep up the great work and remeber fantasy does not have to reflect reality in any way, shape, or form. (by graysteel)
| Sam chapter 2 . 11/9/2012
Your English is very good and you give a lot of details. Your characters are easily related to and your dialogue is believable. I'm still learning about elves myself, but you've been helping me learn more, so I thank you for your patience and guidance
| muyany chapter 1 . 1/27/2012
In the book Ilkar is the first to acknowledge the seriousness of his condition, where here he answeres Ren with “I won’t”, hence in fact denying the situation. I find this a strange contrast that may indicate that you’re not holding true to Ilkar’s character. Or it may just be your way of letting us know that he indeed won’t die, though the title was already quite a big give away on that.
Since you are enabling us to see in Rebraals mind, and see that he is indeed worried about Ilkar, would it not be a good idea to also have him think that he must keep a blank face and seem unaffected. This way his emphatic thoughts will seem less sudden and instead will appear like they have always been there, but always hidden. Then again he wouldn’t be able to sob and gather Ilkar close, unless…see next point
“Now, his best friend was in there fighting for his life” eh…’in where’ exactly? I thought they were outside, or did I miss something in the book. If they have moved locations since the last paragraph, they ok, but maybe mentioning that wouldn’t be a bad idea. If they did move locations then Rebraal might sob and gather Ilks close while they are alone ‘in there’.
I like how Hirad refuses to believe it’s all because a statue got damaged. Shows the more grounded look a barbarian is expected to have.
How about putting some sort of line when you change from perspective? *** or - or so, something small so it’s easier to see. It’s clear enough who sis thinking/speaking, but is would break your text up a bit and I find that to be more inviting. You do it sometimes and then not sometimes. Did the formatting screw up?
Then I was confused! You introduce several people in the story at the same time, some your own creation, some not. This isn’t bad on its own, but I would have given the reader an idea of where we were, let him know lots of people were gathered and then zoom in on the Observer. It’s always a good idea to first give a panoramic view, then a close up. It gives the reader more context. Even if you don’t do this, when you say ‘Yniss sighed’, maybe you can just tell us where he is in relation to the Observer. Because now it looks like you change pov again (even though it’s obvious you don’t since it’s the same paragraph)
I was going to say that the Observer may focus a bit too much on one elf. You did later generalize, so I suppose it does not really matter. What does bother me is that she calls him by his name, and though it’s more likely she does that than another god would do it (as it indicates her closeness to the case), I still find it odd. I’d let her say something like ‘this elf’ instead, but it’s your choice. Oh, yeah, I assume that the gods know what elves are, so describing them with the ‘long ears’ and all, is unnecessary, and something I’d only do with people who have no idea what elves are and see them for the first time. The gods might have a different name for elves, and they might use that way, after which you might one characteristic at a time make it clear to the reader that they are indeed talking about elves. Well, that’s what I would do.
Why do all my comments end up this long? Let’s try not to do that anymore.
I’m confused as to who the nameless one, and Ima are, but I assume that’s because I haven’t read the book yet.
I find it somewhat contradicting that she’s mortal in her temporary form, but that she does not need food.
What exactly is a translator? What does it look like? Is it something technological? Is it like a Babelfish? If she is a godlike being, can’t she just ‘know’ the language of the people? I doubt they speak English btw, this reminds me about all those discussions we already had about this.
Ohhhh….so the Yniss didn’t cause the plague! Shouldn’t the Observer have known this already? Yniss is a bad god if he doesn’t answer his people’s prayers in that case.
“When this one was well, people would ask questions.” Something is missing in this line…
I’m a bit confused by the second part. Is Aleria someone from the series? Or an OC? I get the general idea, but not the details.
“Neither did he want panic.” There’s a word missing
I’m glad Ilkar seems to be a bit more like himself in the third part. I mean he's not in denial anymore.
Ahhhhh! They’re in a tent! No, Jaren is in a tent, and Ilkar isn’t there…but she is within hearing distance of Ren and Hirad who are sitting with Ilks. And since they react rather suspicious of even a little sound, I guess they are not expecting anyone to be where they are. I’m confused! Where are they?
Ah, It’s a camp and most people are supposed to be asleep. I assume they are still travelling then. I assume Ren and Hirad were supposed to keep watch. I didn't know they had tents.
Hehe, ‘mage senses’ I can already see two antennas swiveling on top of his head.
She already wants to pretend he is her lover! And you thought Ren and Ilks got together quickly.
Hmmm…I thought Jaren was the name of her temporary form, thus not her real name. So I don’t really see why should is not allowed to use it. I also don’t mind that she gives a fake name, or that the name begins with the same letter. What bothers me a bit is that J is a letter, which indicates an abbreviation, which is something from modern times. I’d have called her, ‘Jay’ it’s pronounced the same, and the reader who wishes can try and see some symbolism in it.
I am very very happy that Jaren likes Ilkes because of a previous lover rather than because of Ilks himself. Perhaps you should stress the connection between the two a bit more, though you’ve tried your best and I’m really very happy because of that.
Ilks is both courteous and almost rudely curious at the same time, most of the time I’d find that an odd combination, but it works ok here.
Ilks sure heals up quickly. That must be a superplant!
I just realized that Jaren does not have much sense of posing as a human with purple eyes. Or is that a common threat in that world?
I am interested in what the elves concept of angels is. I would have used a different term since this one is connected to Christianity and so what Ilkar sees as an angel, does not necessarily fit our view, even though Jaren also functions as a messenger in this case.
This is where the third page in word starts :s I’m really bad at short reviews. I’ll see about the rest tomorrow, it’s late and my brain refuses to go beyond this point.
The story is very dialog and thought based, I think a little bit of description of the surrounding would be better, but I always think so. I’m not sure what to think of Jaren yet, a lot will depend on how things progress with Ilkar. You don’t seem t prefer ilkar/jaren or ilkar/ren, which is great because most people aren’t able to hide how the story will turn out. I like Hirad. :)
ps: Ilks likes elks like elks like Ilks
| Meta chapter 1 . 3/17/2011
You PMed me by I can't reply or review for some reason... So...
Honestly, I barely remember you XD I read a couple of your older stories and just bits and pieces came back to me. Anyway, I don't like to remember or hold on to unpleasant stuff in the past so on to the review!
Your style has definitely changed over the years, you most certainly have improved! I wish you all the best and hope you continue writing!
| Libbindy chapter 1 . 6/14/2010
The plot of your fanfic is interesting and I do wonder what will happen with Jaren and Ilkir as the story progresses. Is he really a reincarnation of Jaren's deceased lover? So it's not a love story... but it's nice to be so somehow since that's the way you started it already.