|Reviews for Probable Descent|
| aetswjukitres chapter 2 . 12/24/2011
I love the way u write... Onto the next fic!
| Kazundo's Advocate chapter 2 . 5/31/2011
I think this was the point I lost interested in your story-verse. Were it not for the fact Kirby reads your chapters aloud I wouldn't know what happens in them, and even so I usually forget most of it between chapters. I'm just not interested any more. I think it's because as the setting became more mew-centric it became less science-fiction and more like Doctor Who, science fantasy. The mew, though they are very well constructed race under the hood are never presented that way in the stories, but are always presented in a mystic way. The mysticism, ambiguity, and endless cliffhangers are very thick in UA2, and more questions keep piling up without a hint I can detect to an answer. I know it's all leading up to the big reveal where suddenly everything is explained and makes sense, but I don't like stories that are told like that. I don't like what feels like a confused joining of realism and mysticism. I want one or the other.
And if I don't have a reason to believe the setting is a consistent and causal universe then I just can't be interested in it. I can't be immersed in it. It becomes a dream-scape. It feels fake and puts me to sleep. I can't take it seriously if all it does is raise questions left and right without hinting at answers, especially when it uses lots of what I interpret as otherworldly cliches. All I see are ideas that will reinforce people's prejudices, when that happens, and it makes me want to look away.
Take this how you will. I was never your most important reader, and if none of this rings relevant to you then it's probably just me. Nevertheless, this is why I've been apathetic and hard to reach lately when it comes to your story. I just don't feel able to invest in it. I love the universe and setting because we've discussed it, but the story seems to be very different. And of course it touches on stuff that's very sensitive to me in a way that makes me feel very uncomfortable. So that's all my thing.
| Kazundo's Advocate chapter 1 . 11/10/2010
This definitely wasn't what I expected. The first couple paragraphs somehow got me thinking it'd end being more social...y, less down to Earth, if you will. But that's just me, I feel more used to thinking about things in your happening on a grander scale over many, many chapters, and being occasionally interspersed with high-minded sentiments. What this one turned out to be was comparatively straightforward and focused, very pleasant and easy to get through if you're familiar with the subjects. The quality of the writing seemed to be up to your usual, very high standards. At the beginning I found it slightly difficult to stay focused, but that was just because it can take me a while to get into anything that doesn't superficially appear all that interesting to me.
It's not something I would have kept reading for its own sake if all Id seen where the first few lines, but I am pleased that I did. Not much sticks out that I'd like to specifically criticize or praise, and there's probably no useful specific example I could remember enough about to be constructive, but at the beginning I felt the dialogue was a little inhuman somehow. It's just an impression, and again probably do the lack of attention I was paying it. People seemed to be speaking just a bit strangely. I don't recall that staying a problem for long, though. Then there's the matter of the EIA. I don't suppose anything the EIA people did to accomplish their aims are impossible, but I think you'd agree they were very unlikely. The best stories are about unlikely things that happen anyway, and I know the EIA's efforts weren't the focus of the story, but I can't help feel (as I often do) that their quite remarkable competence and luck were somewhat passed over. I can think of ways to rationalize it, but I don't enjoy having to, largely because I'm always afraid (and for good reason, I think) that there are probably a lot of people rationalizing it incorrectly in a way that justifies their own silly anti-capitalist opinions. I think people are constantly looking to justify their own biases (I know I do) so it's important to deny them the satisfaction whenever you can. If any of this sounds astonishing to you, it's probably because you went into the EIA's machinations quite in depth and I simply forgot, like I do. I shouldn't have read it when I was tired, I'm really sorry.
On the whole, it was nice to learn about BIT's past, nice to see some the original and wonderfully conceived psychic action, nice to see David and Erica all grown up,and nice all around.
But I dear say you mentioned that Erika was employed by the state without a single implication of pity or shame. Tisk tisk.
| DarkPokemonLover chapter 2 . 6/20/2010
Ok, so last time, I didn't review before noon, but lookie! This time I do! Surprise! I don't think I need to explain how I will review your epilogue, because you already do. Let's get going!
Ok, so Erica is no psychic. But she got super awesome super electricity that fry robots! I think that should count for something. *hug Erica*
Erica sure tried hard not to tell Bailey she knew the little girl was a mew. Speaking of Bailey, his name always made me think about the pokemon Bayleaf. Hehe.
Yay! A pichu that talks! Of course, I know it's only talking about of Alvin's past "miscalculations", but still. ;)
Oh no, the pichu doesn't wanna be friends with Alvin anymore! Children can be funny at times.
DAVID! YAY! Sure, it's not a Tom revival, but it's something positive, for once. This epilogue has been a downer so far.
Aww… Bit doesn't have fun and doesn't know what it is? Poor little mew. I would be having fun if I was going the crazy things she's doing. I hope Logan can understand what makes her click. It's important for people to be happy.
So… Bit likes to watch people? And being a mew is just like having more places to watch. Well, I can understand why she's bored, then. Seems like the Bit part is over, but I hope Logan is gonna teach her that there's more to the whold than gathering data. Just experiencing things is important too! *hug Bit*
This… section with Erica was strange. Who was talking to her. Eldest? Tom? Eldest? I guess we will never know. Yay for out-of-body trips, though.
And now Alvin and Sparks are gone somewhere. I feel like Sparks name is familiar… hmm.. anyway…
I'm done! Yay! Time for the other part of the review. It's obviously gonna be shorter, since the epilogue was shorter.
Writing Style: 10/10
This time, you did much better than last time. Probably because it was your characters for the most part, but everything felt more fluid, of MM's quality. I don't have much more to say. It was awesome.
Plot Value: 9/10
I loved how you attempted to tie some loose ends, but unfortunately, you actually left more loose ends than there were before the epilogue. Who talked to Erica? Where is Tom? What is that mission or something that Alvin is gonna do? So many questions. I hope your last story will answer some of these, otherwise I will be a sad kitty.
Fun value: 10/10
I globally enjoyed the whole thing. There was variety, with psychic, computer and emotional stuff. Again, it provided me with ideas for my coming retry at Miya's story. Not ideas as in "copy what you do", but as in "how to talk about it". Either way, congrats!
P.S.: Wasn't Sparks Alvin's chu name? I think...
| Kirby Oak chapter 2 . 6/19/2010
Epilogue Review: Discovered Regression Tutorial
R/N: (Let's time pass a bit) Alright, that should be good enough for a test. Anyways, more mew! And other people, but they're cool enough, too. (Skips ahead to the review responses) Hmm... I guess you really don't need the play by play from me, anyways, so I'll try to limit myself to just questions and concerns. Better yet, I'll just have a little paragraph for each section.
More people on Skype, eh? Place could get hoppin'.
Good start. I know that's not much to say, but... I do like how you showed the Gemini coming apart. Might've been interesting if you had each hero group reacting to it, but it's probably not that important. I do have one question, even if it's really minor. How did Erica wrap up the stone? I mean, I know there are a number of ways she could've done it without touching it, but how would she have known not to touch it? Or is there some other reason it activated now and not before?
Yay! David! David seems to be even better at transforming than Logan. I thought it was Logan's specialty! Not that Alvin cares. I'm actually a little surprised that Alvin's doing the whole hermit mad scientist thing. Doesn't he still have chu socialization instincts? And... for as much as you talked about him, you still haven't said for sure what happened to Tom. My theory is that Tom was actually David in disguise. That would explain everything! (Shifty eyes)
Bit's section! I always like when you write about Bit, because you know so much more than I do, so I get a much better idea of how AI work and how the conversion to mew works for them. Plus I enjoy hearing people's ideas of my characters. At least Logan has someone to play with no, since lower lifeforms are so boring for her.
Interesting section. Implying Erica will become a mew. I wonder whose decision it was to give them the Omega Catalyst. Logan's I'll bet. She's always good to humans like that. I wonder how much the Eldest did heal... You don't exactly say how much she remembers, but I guess that's for next story.
Hopefully Alvin won't end up in a world plagued by zombie things. He doesn't have a mew to sacrifice itself for him this time. But he got ARed, the lucky chu. Although, mew can't actually add years to his life like that, can they. And Erica can be caught.
Alright, so it's done. Really good. Shorter than I would've liked, as always, but that's always the case. Has to end sometime. Definitely a lot of set up for your next story, but that's alright. Liked the sciency stuff, and got to see David again. David's nice. Weird, but nice. (Hugs her). I wish I had more to say, but I'm not very good at that. It definitely makes me excited for your next story. Hope to see lots of Bit and David.
-Kirby D. Oak
Review Response Response Review... or Something (A PS).
Fragmented Disillusionment - Sorry again that trying to appeal to my ideas gave you so much trouble. Thanks for using them, though. It'll be fun to look for the references in your next story, no matter how minor they are. (Waits eagerly for two weeks)
| Enigma149 chapter 1 . 6/14/2010
At long last, another story! Come to think of it, this may be my favorite of your three yet, though it has some tough competition with MM.
"Alvin had refused to part with the aged Raichu, and the pokemon had passed away soon afterward" - Why did you kill Desumo? Why?
"Leaving the gem in Erica's keeping, she'd flown away from the shuttle before it touched down." - I hope this means Erica survived...
"Dr. Tucker was about to say more, or at least, about to try. He had so many questions!" - As do I. Questions like "Did Alvin live?" and (more importantly) "Where's David?". Oh well.
Other than these, I just have one more thing to ask - In this story, Bit (at least, I think it was bit) said "Descending rapidly towards the pacific ocean.", but in chapter 19 of MM, you said Alvin "wasn't even on the right continent" when he was in Kanto (as opposed to Hoenn). Is one of the oceans on whatever planet has Kanto and Hoenn also called the Pacific? Though I may just be being paranoid...
Either way, can't wait for the Epilogue and your last story. Keep it up!
| Mijj chapter 1 . 6/12/2010
awsome story (sorry for short review, i'm not much on talking)
| DarkPokemonLover chapter 1 . 6/12/2010
Feels like it has been an eternity since I've used that nickname. Either way, I will review today the one and I suppose, only chapter of what I think is a one-shot. I gotta say, I'm surprised this is only your third story. You have written so many long RPs in the past that I would have thought you had more complete pieces of work on your account. Oh well, I suppose masterpieces only come in small quantity… assuming this is a masterpiece too. Lets actually read it before making any assumptions, shall we?
Like my last review, I will start by reading the story and leaving comments here and there about what I'm reading, to help you get into the mind of the person who's reading it. Once that will be done, I will grade the story on writing style, plot value and fun factor, etc. So let's begin before this starts sounding like a copy-paste of my last review.
So, after a false start and a 10 minutes break, here I am again. It's probably a good thing if your sentence structure confuse me with their complexity. Yay, Bit…? Bit? Wait wait wait…. Bit? I think something is wrong there. Bit obviously came before the incident in Kanto, so tha's in the… past? Err… Wait. First UA, where Logan became a mew. Then you have my story and MM, then you have that RP where Bit became a few, then a few years later, you have the incident, then Miya and Jamie becoming mew. So… this… would be after MM and before the Bit RP. Which… means Miya is between 5 and 16. Ok. Makes sense. Took me some time to figure that out. Back to the story!
…ok… Erica is 22? Now, it seems like something /may/ be wrong in the timeline. I need to do some research. According to these facts I found, Miya was 13 when Erica was 16. That means Miya is now 19 while Erica is 22. The Kanto incident happened a few months after Miya left the familial home. I'm not sure I ever specified the age she was when she left, but she would have had to be at least 21 (two years after this) for this story to work. Seems a tad erroneous. Maybe the story will say something else later to counter this, but so far, you're one notch under perfection.
Oh… that rock seems perfect, though. I'm not sure it completely makes sense, but at least you provided a cool explanation for it. I'm going to take it that you know what you're talking about. Speaking of evolution stones, there should be a Dark stone. More Umbreon!
A little note aside, I did the calculations with another source of numbers and reached the same conclusion about the ages. Something is fishy here. *smell myself* Or maybe it's just me.
…*hit Malcom* No insulting the third or fourth most coolest pokemon species in existence! Bad person!
Cat? I thought espeon were foxes. Or cat-foxes.
Yay! They're gonna try to go to Mars using an espeon and a Jewel of infinite power! Now I'm gonna wait impatiently for the moment it fails.
Heh, seems like I was right. Never mess with extremely powerful gems of infinite power. There should be a rule somewhere that says that.
…TOM! WHYYYY? … take that engineer's life instead! Oh… wait… you did too. Take… take that other… person… i dunno, but not Tom!
Yay, Bit is being the savior! and more than that, she's also being helped by a mysterious She. 5 Bucks on that mysterious She being Logan.
Evil guys sure seem evil. Sounds like some company is behind all this. And yay, that little girl is probably Logan! She rocks!
:( These psychics are using a dark attack to contain Logan. Now that's just unfair… but it won't make me love dark pokemon any less. Just keep Logan away from Kagai. *hug the umbreon*
And now Logan saved the day! Yay for the Jewel of infinity! The E.I.A. is mean, though. Rivalling Miya and Sparky and Silph is something I take offence to. Logan is better punish them.
Yay! Now Bit is saving the day too! Although, the plot is getting a bit too cliche for my liking at this point. Fortunately, knowing you, you probably have something super cool and unexpected coming.
YAAAAY! She evolved into the best of the pikachu line, that being pikachu itself! That makes her so much more pretty.
Oh no… Erica is gonna die. Now that's unexpected. I hope someone save her.
"After the Kanto disaster" Seems I won't be able to dock that point off after all. Sparky is gone, Miya is a higher up in Silph. The timeline is now perfectly fine. Well, darn it, huh? I'm sorry I doubted you…
Yay, pokemon battle! That's the first time you involve game concept into your stories. You gained some knowledge since last time.
Erica sounds evil now. Why must this story be so full of plot twists? At least, it's original.
Oh wait… the technician and Erica are two different people. Ok, time to backtrack and see where I missed the entrance of that new character… oh, ok, so Logan fought the evil technician, was captured by the masterball, then Erika saved the day. Everything makes sense again.
Yay! Bit is now a mew! And saved! And alive! All is well that ends well. I'm still unsure what happened with the others, but I guess the epilogue will tell I guess I will add a quick review for it there.
It's over now. This story has been emotional to be for many reasons, one of them being that it was suspenceful. But enough talking. I'm gonna keep it for the actual review part. Which comes now.
Writing Style: 9.5/10
What, I didn't give you perfection? Surprising, isn't it? The writing style was almost as good as I remember it being. Some parts were incredibly well written and all that, but it seemed like some were a bit lower in quality. It was really minor, so that's why I only took off half a point. Still, you're as good as ever.
Plot value: 10/10
Some things sounded strange at first, but it ended up being fine. I tried hard to find flaws in the plot, and after reading Kirb's review, it seems he more more flaws than I did. I'm not going to be influenced by his review, though. I'm still giving you perfection for the plot. Everything that was written was written for a purpose and the ending with Bit was surprising, even despite me knowing these events happened. I certainly didn't expect it to happen now, in your story. Congratulation for impressing me once more.
Fun value: 9/10
Ok, I'm just being mean here, but the ending made me sad a bit and you may have killed off Tom, so it doesn't really have perfection. Feel free to be mad at me. Overall though, the story was really good and I enjoyed reading every part of it. I even reread a part twice because I got confused. It's that good. So… yay!
And that ends my review of your story. Another masterpiece to add to your small, but precious collection. Keep going at it, and I hope your last story is going to top them all. Mew, awesomeness and perhaps a mention or even a use of Miya if I can get my ass working at making her a stable character? It could be the most awesome thing ever designed by man. Are you sure you're not a mew yourself? Like, the Eldest in disguise or something. ;)
| BYoshi1993 chapter 1 . 6/11/2010
Man. Why are all mew female? Can't there be a story with a male mew, surely there's one, I mean, look at mewtwo. He a guy, if genetically created but still a guy. The mew could have a blueish tint or something.
Anyway, great story. I look forward to reading more from you. Maybe a mew story like "Minor Miscalculations"? A male this time? I've never seen one. How else would mew exist. Maybe you could have the person struggle to retain his humanity and slowly morph into a childish mentality or something. Please try if you can.
| Kirby Oak chapter 1 . 6/11/2010
R/N: (Waves) Been looking forward to this one for a long time. I remember you asking me for permission to use Bit waaaay back, before we were even as close of friends as we are now. I mean, it was usually this story that motivated me to keep going with the Relative Fallacy RP.
Hmm... I just realized something... Oh well, it'll be interesting to see the results.
Review: Holy Crap, "Probable Descent" is the Opposite of "Unlikely Ascension", I Totally Only Just Got That
First of all, they still haven't gotten to Mars yet? Those Mossdeep slackers. Second of all, it must suck to be in that station without any windows.
Bit! Whoo! Totally worth it.
Would a satellite in geosynchronous orbit really be the best way to transmit to another satellite? Although, I guess I don't really know what sort of orbit the station has. And... I guess it would be better than having the transmitter on Earth. The EIA probably has a number of satellites up there it could use as relays, too.
What was he talking about if he wasn't really talking about dessert? Just compensation in general?
"On Gemini station, things always went smooth." Well, great, now you jinxed it. And there's no wood on a space station to knock on!
He lives! Tom is alive! Good thing he wasn't left with the Rockets. And he's an espeon! Though that was always David's plan, so it's not too surprising.
I really wanna see a picture of an espeon with graying fur, now.
A silver mine, eh? I wonder...
Evolution stone explanations. That's neat. Doesn't sound exactly how I imagined them, but your way probably makes more sense.
Tom's a Jumper. .
Foundry... I still can't figure out why that name seems to stick out to me so much...
(Glares at Malcom) There's always one, isn't there.
The Jewel's actually a front. The who station is powered by Team Rocket technology. There's a bunch of grunts in a back room somewhere peddling.
Tom talked, like for realz. He should get to be a mew.
Hmmm... So how come Alvin thinks that Bit is directing him to commit suicide at first, but then trusts her explicitly a couple paragraphs later? Granted, I guess the second time she did actually tell him he'd be okay.
Alvin and Logan, reunited again, the brain and the... more brain... There's really not much brawn in this story, is there.
Ouch, a Sableye. That's a tough thing to fight. Dark and Ghost types would definitely be trouble for a psychic type.
Poor Logan. (Hugs her)
You know, if Logan doesn't manage to save Erica, then she's really going to a have a debt to Alvin.
Bit's so under-appreciated. . Erica is a bit thick though, or maybe just has some memory issues. She was a pichu, after all.
Erica's in trouble now. Wet, burned, explosions. I suppose she's better off than if Bit hadn't warned her, though. Maybe.
Everything's an experiment up there, isn't it. Even pika-girls.
Three saboteurs? But didn't Bit say there were six astronauts that Erica needed to worry about?
Hmm... I thought Tera was being crueler than she should be, but I realized that I've always played her when she was being monitored or interacting directly with EIA employees. She would be much more restrained then, professional. Here she's been given rather free-rein to do what she wants, so she's probably not keeping her own emotions in check.
So, in the end, Erica saves the day. And yet Logan gets the girl. How's that fair?
The Eldest isn't one for computers. Isn't that just like an old guy. Probably thinks Logan spends too much time on the computer and not enough studying. .
Little Bit! Little tiny baby mew Bit! I really liked the story. I'm probably biased, but still. Yes, it wasn't quite as heady as your others, but it was good! I feel like it should've ended with the Gemini somehow, though. Even if it was just a short scene of the characters watching it burn up in the atmosphere. There's still the epilogue, but that usually involves a timeskip, so...
R/N: I know you didn't really feel satisfied with this story. I have a feeling part of the reason was because you were using so many of my characters and ideas. While I certainly enjoyed that, I wonder if you didn't feel like you were half-writing a story I should've. I dunno, though. I hope you really get a chance to create something more your own with your next story.
PS: So... Is the one girl in the description Erica or Logan?