Reviews for Rebuild of Fairly English Story
Ganheim chapter 1 . 11/18/2010
the train, as it began to slow

[Superfluous comma]

I even watched The Exorcist when I was ten and didn't even flinch.

[Watching how much like kindergartners the politbureau and then thinking “these people are making the policies that will shape our future” is scary]

My face rarely showed any emotion unconsciously

[The ‘unconsciously’ is unnecessary, the simple statement of “I’m not expressive” serves the purpose well enough]

I saw the clock and was thankful I had jetlag. If my body didn't think it was four in the afternoon I would probably be knackered right now-

That was when the lights died and everyone turned to coffins…It was midnight here, but this normally happened around four-ish back home, depending on daylight savings or whatever.

[That’s another thing I always wondered that the game never dealt with. Props to you for actually touching on the issue]

Here in Japan, it happens same time globally, only it's the middle of the night here.

[Awkward phrasing, I think that the ‘here in Japan’ gives a disjointed sense to the expression of the idea]

then I can sleep during the time-stop instead of study or vandalise stuff. Yay

[Boo. Those other ideas sound more exciting]

I've completed my GCSE's, but

[It would’ve been nice to see it spelled out. I know what the general certificate is, I suppose I’m just surprised to see the

barely able to speak Japanese,

[Odd that he’d go. More odd when in the next paragraph you imply fluency, when this seems to state the contrary. The way that he’s presented as both knowledgeable and not seems to be the confusing thing, when a more subtle mention that he’s got to get used to it again would’ve been more directly along the lines of the truth]

I actually did more listening. Maybe that's why people liked talking to me, not because I was sensitive, but because I knew what to say.

[There are several values here that look like they’re being presented as the same thing, but aren’t. Minato preferring to listen is logical (and “canon” if I remember correctly), but this seems to jump around a litte]

Please sign your name there." I looked where he gestured, noticing a thin red book.

[Whenever I see this moment, I remember it mocked in Strain42’s webcomic. “I will do whatever you say”]

The boy explained in a perfectly normal and non-threatening manner.

[Is it possible for that boy to speak in a non-threatening manner? He seemed eerie every time he appeared, at least to me]

Darewo gasokoni dearuka?"

[This looks extremely awkward. I know that in the strict technical sense, this is the transliteration of what the kana would look like, but there are a few problems. First: the particles aren’t separated from the words they follow (the ‘ka’ interrogative particle trails the end of the sentence, not connected to the final word), and the object marker while technically using the “(w)o” character has not been pronounced as “wo” for decades at the least]

My eyes followed her hand and holy crap she has a gun strapped to her thigh.

And what a thigh!

No, no, focus on the gun.

[Points 1]

I couldn't tell if she was speaking English or Japanese,

[I’m uncertain about how this is going to play through, but it both expresses a familiarity expressing somebody actually raised outside Japan as well as tickling my old hobby of linguistics]

the way." the brunette told

[way,”]

Like I wouldn't have to get caught up fighting whatever she was ready to kill that appears to only exist in Coffin Time.

[Given their explanations in Persona 3 of people only leaving that “coffin” state, he should also know about Shadows…at least in a limited sense. Since you’ve noted Minato meeting people in the Dark Hour before, and that only occurs when Shadows are preparing to feed on them, that should mean he’s had at least a little bit of exposure]

I slapped myself on the head. "Selim Bradley." I muttered, rolling back under my covers. No wonder that kid creeped me out,

[I don’t get it]

I'm writing this with For Every Soul in mind, Fairly English Story takes a back seat.

[No idea what those two are, so on we go…]

Chapter 2

with a girl who I suspected

[whom]

into the teachers lounge

[teachers’]

Mind you, perhaps my time would be better spent practicing sarcasm outside my head so people can actually hear it?

[Why not? Sarcasm isn’t a spectator sport, it requires everybody’s involvement]

"Yo, yatsu ha mezame tekudasai."

[The hiragana character “ha” (は) is used as a sentence particle, but then it’s pronounced “wa”. No, I’m not sure when that happened in linguistic history, but that’s how that is used as a particle]

Chapter 3

"I'll see you later Arisoto

[Arisato, if you’re going by the semi-canon manga name. I’ve never read it but I see it pretty frequently]

Since I was feeling generous again, I made a few extra, just in case. Everyone loves a good BLT. I dare you to disagree.

[.Hack’s Machiko would disagree. Partially, anyway]

"Anataha kiki mashitaka the rumour?"

[Anata wa]

Somewhere in the world, two drums and a cymbal fell of a cliff.

dome in S.t Peter's Basilica

[St. Peter’s]

the wrong colour, Hell

[Was there supposed to be a period?]

pain is just your body telling you that your body is working.

[Or saying “stop doing that”. Getting a limb chopped off hurts and I doubt the hand is working very well afterwards]

I hope not. I mean, I know I'm a nutjob, but I still have standards.

[Points 1]

Chapter 4

with a chain fence for a back wall.

[I always thought it was the same wrought iron that defines the cramped elevators in late-19th-century elevators and other retracting ‘walls’]

to make, your acquaintance

[Superfluous comma]

not sick." he growled

[sick,”]

Experience with a blacksmiths

[with a blacksmith (singular)? Or blacksmith’s?]

I barely feel like pissing myself from abject terror at all!

Focus on surviving, Minato. Focus.

[Points 1]

As if to spite her, the building shook again, and I realised just how safe we were not.

[Points 1]

face me. "oh bugger."

[“Oh]

It wants the guy that beat down its mate ten years ago.

[Why is this the first connection to the ‘10 years ago’ in the scene? I expected something like this before Yukari tried to summon her persona]

Chapter 5

as I spoke the most badass words of my entire life, even though I wasn't the only one speaking it.

THOU ART I

[I’m pretty sure this was spoken to Minato, not by him]

black with a a helmet

[a helmet]

ripped the Sshadow's

[Shadow’s]

Yukari san must think

[Normally the honorific is transliterated with a hyphen connecting it as a suffix. “Yukari-san” is clearer than “Yukari San”, see?]

sending the Shadows head

[Shadow’s]

I smiled at her as the world turned black and face decided to make friends with the ground.

[Gravity, it’s everybody’s friend. Or not]

how sneaky Igor had proved to be

[Wouldn’t “Igor proved” flow better?]

"I've wanted to share that story with someone for a long time."

"Anytime." I smiled back. I may be able to salvage this. If I do, Junpei lives.

[I like how you’re applying a very definite character that still fits with everything Minato does/has to do]

a large wooded box

[Isn’t it normally written “wooden”? Maybe it’s a difference in dialect I’m unaware of, I’m more familiar with Australian]

I though I had

[thought]

Chapter 6

While I could go down with him, I could also save my own neck, showing him up in the process. It was a tough decision, but I made it quickly.

[Poor Junpei. Or not]

I only just realised how much of a swot I just sounded.

[

"Really? Because it looks like this." Yukari replied, simply looking bored.

[I don’t get it. Junpei playing guitar was the last thing verbalized and assumedly the last thing she picked up]

night." he explained

[night,” would transition more smoothly to the speech tag]

Chapter 7

Nothing was working…

[Except motorbikes, radio headsets, and drink vending machines…]

"And none of you thought to help?"

Every one was stunned by what I said.

[I wondered about that. Akihiko may have been wounded, but I never saw indications that Mitsuru was down that hour]

Junpei dancing around like an idiot, earning a facepalm from Yukari, so I slipped a pair of armour plated gloves into my pocket. They were basically a pair of cycling gloves with metal plating on the back of the hand and the knuckles.

[

"Oh yeah?" Junpei was sceptical. "How do you get a makeshift warhammer?"

"Chair"

"Alright, then what about the battleaxe?"

"Broken Chair."

[Points 1]

Chapter 8

paused for dramatic event.

[effect?]

"The End?" I asked. As in The End with capitals?

[Funny how I’ve never seen that proded before]

but that familiar smile of loneliness I've come to see all over this country. It wasn't tough to get back to sleep after that.

[I’d think it would be tough, but either way works]

Chapter 10

Wait, they don't sell Jif over here, so how does Junpei know about that brand of lemon juice? Maybe it's because they sell oven cleaner too? Or is that Cif? Side note: I'd hate to mix those two up next Pancake Tuesday...

[That was random]

WHY did Our School turn into a FREAKIN' TOWER!"

More importantly, what was I going to put on my pancakes next February?

[Could always add calamari shavings]

As I did this, a seventh card appeared on the table. Following my gaze, Igor looked at it and laughed. "hm… The Magician… Your overconfidence is your weakness…"

"Your faith in your friends is yours." I replied. He was asking for it.

[Not obvious at all]

you look like a zombie."

"Brains."

[Unless he’s a vegetarian. “Grains…”]

for giving us weaknesses, like pokémon.

[For giving them pokemon? Weird parallel]
Have a Little Feith chapter 31 . 11/17/2010
"I can see the ending!" I actually had to read that manga before I understood this reference. I think you should put more references to The World God Only Knows in your next story.
James Birdsong chapter 31 . 11/16/2010
Great
Derek Barona chapter 31 . 11/16/2010
Anytime I hear that line, I always know they're about to do something fun.

I actually started watching The World God Only Knows last night, as it happens, so I finally get that reference at the end. It's probably the greatest show I've watched all year that didn't have a giant robot in it somewhere.
Patcheresu chapter 31 . 11/16/2010
Splendid. I see nothing I don't like.
Soulswallows chapter 31 . 11/16/2010
awesome as always, rock on!
ledah13 chapter 31 . 11/16/2010
yeah, you can see the ending, you can see everything; i just love Minato
Patcheresu chapter 30 . 11/15/2010
Well done. This is a much better version than the original and for the last time before you leave for your mission: Omake. Mara Omake.
Have a Little Feith chapter 30 . 11/15/2010
Yes. Yes it would. Also... Isn't it "Shiisaa"? Not "Shiisha"? Dunno... Could you explain why you chose "Shiisha" for me? Thanks ahead of time, and good job so far.
gb0 chapter 30 . 11/15/2010
AWESOME! AWESOME! MORE MORE MORE
ledah13 chapter 30 . 11/15/2010
can't get enough of that Hollow Arcana, plus can't wait for him to go Shadow, more
einherjar31 chapter 29 . 11/12/2010
hells to the yeah!

epicness!
ledah13 chapter 29 . 11/12/2010
man, i really enjoy it when the Reaper's there

not that i'm a sadist or anything, i just like Minato running away from Death ALIVE

and yeah, go guitar hero!
Patcheresu chapter 29 . 11/11/2010
Well done. I like the Commu Break shout out. I enjoyed Veterans' Day and I hope you did too.
Book Maniac chapter 27 . 11/8/2010
Hi again. Just a thougt but I remember from your first version of this story how the demons were afraid of chuch norris. Make him a persona or demon. That would be hilarious. Good work with the rebuilding of the story. I look forward to more of your stories. I also left a review on your last chapter of the Fairly English Story. Good luck.
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