|Reviews for A Red Poppy for Flynn Scifo|
| I.K.A. Valian chapter 1 . 6/19/2010
First off, impressions. I liked it, for the most part. I'm not really into tragedies but I think you've got a good one here. There were a bunch of places I thought you could improve upon, which are noted below, but over all, it read well enough and made the point that Flynn Scifo died surrounded by those he loved the most, which is more than some people get. So, even if he did die, he was sent off with a fond farewell. Now, onto the improvement areas.
The monsters converged, surrounding him. - You could take out the comma and the word Surrounding and replace it with the word 'around'. This is one, because you changed tense, and two because converge and surround are two different verbs that practically mean the same thing and thus, are redundant. Only need one, the other is flab.
Flynn could now see the saliva dripping from the beasts' fangs and he could smell their foul breath. - One, you don't really need the 'now' because, while it isn't flab, it doesn't add to the description because there is no other time referred to, such as before or previously. Two, "beasts'" should be "beast's". Three, you don't need the 'he could' after the 'and' because this is all from Flynn's point of view and you already referenced who is seeing and thus also smelling at the beginning of the sentence.
He turned to face those behind him, but he was outnumbered and quickly becoming overwhelmed. - Here you switched tenses when you used 'quickly becoming' instead of 'quickly became'
the claws searing into his skin with venomous poison that felt much like a splash of fire had been streaked across his face. - I really, really like the visual in this part of the sentence. Describes burning acidic poison to a T.
The monsters took full advantage of his disarmament, cowering over him to steal bits of flesh through the armor and clothes he wore. - How did Flynn go from dropping his sword to suddenly being on the ground where monsters could 'cower' over him? And how did they steal bits of flesh through armor without first burrowing through the holes and the chinks first? These I felt were holes in the plot logic. Also, 'cowering' is in the wrong tense. You could change it to say 'disarmament and cowered over' and get the same result but without changing tense.
He thought he heard a faint shrieking, but it wasn't long at all before he could hear nothing at all. He had lost consciousness. - The first sentence is fine, except for that you repeat 'at all' twice in the second half. The second sentence can be cut because you're basically repeating what you said in the second half of the first sentence, but more directly and with less words and less showing. Basically, the second sentence is flab.
He had far too many enemies to withstand for long. - This sentence is kind of hard to understand because you make Flynn the owner of the 'too many enemies'. If you take you take out the 'He had' and replace it with 'There were', everything should clear up. Flynn doesn't need to be referenced in this sentence for the reader to understand he was overwhelmed.
Flynn then heard his best friend, Yuri, reprimanding the mutterings of the old man. "Nobody should be dying right now, old man." Yuri said, and the whole room went quiet. Flynn was… dying…? - You could take out the first sentence here and leave it with just Yuri reprimanding Raven and you'd have the same effect as with these two sentences together. After that, Flynn wouldn't talk mentally in the third person, at least I don't know of anyone who does. Instead, it'd be more believable if Flynn thought 'Dying... I'm... dying?' And that said, Flynn might get a surge of energy to attempt one final time to move or let the others know he was still alive before he gave in (supposedly when his energy failed) and accepted he was, in fact, dying. People have a tendency to deny something and fight against it before accepting it, so putting that in would help with believability.
this Commandant supposedly dying in - If Flynn has realized that he's dying a paragraph earlier, then there is no 'supposedly' about it. He simply is.
His inhaled his last breath, his heart valiantly fought against death's hand but it couldn't hold out anymore… it gave up. His mind seemed to fog and there he lay. The dead body of Flynn Scifo. - You could delete these two sentences and the last thoughts of Flynn would be much more emotionally impactful. How jarring is it to see the last thoughts of a person stopping mid thought only to section break to a new section and a new point of view? Essentially, people know that he's dying, you don't need to tell the readers that he's dead and that his dead body is lying there in the open. It's kind of like saying you don't trust the readers to actually read what you're writing and understanding it. If they don't understand by the end of Flynn's section that he's actually dying, then they aren't mature enough to read your works anyway and you needn't worry about them.
Monsters began to flee, but none of them were allowed, and any that tried were slain through the heart by a well-aimed arrow. - It strikes me kind of odd when you use the word 'allowed', because it seems to me like you're saying the monsters were asking to leave instead of attempting to flee with panic fueled terror. And saying that any that tried to escape where 'slain through the heart by a well-aimed arrow' is a little bit too specific, not to mention Raven wouldn't likely shoot them through their hearts every time. You could rewrite this sentence like this, 'Monsters began to flee, yet none made it far enough to do so. Whether by blade or arrow shaft, all were slain, all within minutes.'
His face was simmering with poison slashes across his cheeks, the smell, though rancid as charcoaled, spoiled meat, wasn't strong enough to prevent Sodia from pulling his face to hers. - This sentence was too long. It was good at description, but it can be downsized and have the same effect. 'poison slashes across his cheeks' could be just 'poison'. 'the smell, though rancid as charcoaled, spoiled meat' (by the way, meet that is charcoaled is not spoiled, these are two different conditions) could be shortened to 'the rancid smell', because rancid can mean different things to different people, but it is recognized as just plain bad. And by adding in the meat description, you take away from the reader because you're putting your voice into the story. Not directly, like saying 'Flynn was dying because I said so' but because you use your own reference of what rancid should mean. The rest of the sentence is fine.
She sobbed over his body. Brave Vesperia gathered around her, watching with disbelieving eyes. - Change of tense in the second half of the second sentence from past to present.
She was supposed to eventually marry this man who now lay dead in her arms. - This sentence and...
He was supposed to be the man who saved the empire from its corruption. He was supposed to help Emperor Ioder rebuild the empire into a government to be proud of. A government that would help the citizens to prosper and live. - ...this sentence and...
More than that, he was supposed to be the man that helped Brave Vesperia save the world… - ...this sentence all have the same subject, what Flynn was supposed to do, and thus should be in their own paragraph.
I thought the irony that Flynn thought it was Estelle sobbing over him instead of Sodia was truely tragic, but then you mention later in Flynn's thoughts that he wanted to marry Sonia. Why wouldn't he assume that it was Sodia? That just made me think, "How odd he thinks the person crying over him wasn't his beloved".
Well, that's all I got to say, really. You know where to contact me if you have any more questions. Hope these comments helped.
| Cataclysmic Eclipse chapter 1 . 6/17/2010
'Ello. You did ask for con-crit so...here's the monster that you unleashed. I'm not going to sugar-coat any of this...
This reads like a rough to me. I get the general idea that you're trying to convey, like the rush of the battle, the regrets and all but
I also see none of the fear of dying that everyone has. :That's: human instinct that's been forged through millions of years of evolution, everyone has it even if they think that they don't. I saw no fear in this, just kind of a calm "Oh, I'm dying, whateves." I really didn't feel like he gave a damn that he was dying, or going through a realization that he was dying, a panick, then a sorta fearful acceptance.
"Flynn was… dying…?"
This sounds very unnatural. I could've italized it as a thought, or used 'he' instead of 'Flynn.' Since Yuri talked before it, I just assumed you swapped PoVs until I read what comes after it.
"he tried to FLUTTER his eyelids"
I read this used later on too. But flutter? It's a soft word that shouldn't really be used during a situation where the character should be panicking.
Your writing seems very, very stiff to me. With sentences like this:
"The monsters took full advantage of his disarmament, cowering over him to steal bits of flesh through the armor and clothes he wore." That isn't exactly what the character would be thinking, even if it did happen, don't think he would've realized it then.
"His inhaled his last breath, his heart valiantly fought against death's hand but it couldn't hold out anymore… it gave up. His mind seemed to fog and there he lay.
The dead body of Flynn Scifo."
Very stiff, and the last sentence doesn't exactly seem like it'd be from Flynn's PoV at all, just kind of some omniscient narrator.
In my honest opinion, it takes a very skilled writer to pull off blind omniscient narrator that can go into the minds of all the characters and the first person point of view with words like "I" in it. Sure, Fitzgerald can do it brilliantly but he wasn't able to do it without practice and I sure as hell know I can't pull either of those two off well.
There. Monster complete. Just so ya don't get the wrong impression of me, I don't claim to be perfect about my writing and I know I get lazy with editing fics and all that jazz just like everybody else. I'm very picky when it comes to this.
Don't want to seem like a jerk is all.
Have a good day. _
| Cypher0120 chapter 1 . 6/16/2010
Here I thought I was the only one who had a fic with Flynn dying as a focus. _ I'd appreciate if you gave me a review for that one. Ehehe.
Anyways, yes I love this story...short, but I'm actually more into the alternate ending for some reason. Even though I know for sure there's more characterization in the first one.
Also, poor Sodia. :(
And to finalize...you don't happen to be Canadian are you?
| Winged Senea chapter 1 . 6/16/2010
I'll admit, you got me to cry. I was hoping for the magically fairytale ending where he somehow survived, but reality brought it back down and he did indeed die. Twice basically. You can kill main characters, I know that. I killed Repede XD Anyways, the first little bit, maybe was a little too short? It felt kinda hollow and didn't really show his struggle as much as it could. But then again, that wasn't where you were suppose to pay attention, but maybe a bit of a more struggle and extra line or two even could help it.
The second part. Was sad, it was a bit hard to read in the good way where, once again, the magical fiarytale comes up and he's awake saying his last goodbye but that doesn't happen a lot of the time. "Flynn was… dying…?" That seemed a bit off. Since a lot of it was in his point of view almost, it might have been better with he was dying? I'm not sure but that felt off to me. I see someone likes FlynnxSodia XD
The third part I liked more then the second. Even though the second went further into Flynn's way of thinking, the other way you portrayed everyone's different reactions and them trying to save him seemed a bit more fleshed out then the other. That one tugged more at the heartstrings I think is why.
The poppy reminded me of In Flanders Fields, from the first World War. Where they would pop up where peopel had died.
So I might not know what I'm talking about and feel free to ignore. All in all though it was sad but a very good read. Thank you for writing somethign like this. Don't stop writing you are amazing 3 (Had to put in the typical stuf lol)