|Reviews for Freedom Isn't Free|
| orochi chapter 4 . 7/17/2011
right mor pless
| star 666 chapter 1 . 7/17/2011
this is relly good kipit up
| red moon chapter 4 . 7/17/2011
i love this story right mor
| Sincerely C chapter 1 . 6/15/2011
Hello Risuna Phoenix!
I’m Sincerely, C-kun from Critics United, here to review your story.
[would call it here solan.]
Since you’re referring to the name of what they call years, you need to put a comma after [here]. I would also suggest making [solan] the plural form, ‘solans’ because you’ve used the plural form of year.
[My body shook with fear and anger when they called for the guards to capture me I fought back they stared in amazement]
This looks like one, big run-on sentence. It’s nothing that can’t be fixed with a little bit of punctuation. Place a period after [anger] and capitalize [when]. Place a period after [back] and capitalize [they].
[Later after I learned]
Place a comma after [Later]
[The mines were loud the beating of the miner's hammers and crackle of the taskmaster's electric whip's rang painfully in my ears.]
Place a period after [loud].
If you are making a noun possessive and it’s plural, you don’t turn [miners] into [miner’s]. What you do is place the apostrophe after the ‘s’ in a plural noun that you wish to make possessive. So [miner’s] meaning something belonging to a single miner would be [miners’] meaning something belonging to many miners.
The same applies for [taskmaster’s] is it one taskmaster, or many?
The plural of ‘whip’ is ‘whips’. Nothing is being possessed by the whip.
[their gazes held pity for me the colors were bright]
You have a lot of run-on sentences like this. If you say it without pausing, does it make sense? Place a period after [me]. Just be sure to look out for sentences like this in later chapters.
Sunshine is one word.
[reminded me of statues they all had ground toned skin or scales and looked at me like I was some thing to eat,]
Insert comma after [statues].
I would change [ground toned] to ‘earth toned’ because it is used more commonly. It means the same thing, but it sounds better.
‘Something’ is one word.
[the mine it's self]
‘Itself’ is one word.
[down sealing my only exit.]
If something in your story performs multiple things, you list them, so you put a comma after each of them. So you would put a comma after [down].
[got on my nervous]
[I pressed my face in to the hand and released a ragged breath that I didn't even realize that I was holding in. I opened my eyes and came face to face with a pair of golden eyes similar to mine and brimming with love and compassion. I sucked in a breath as a shiver ran up my spine causing a yawn like effect and my eyes to blink. The woman kneeling in front of me let out a slight chuckle. She had beautiful green skin the color of young leaves with lavender markings framing her almond eyes and accenting her high prominent cheek bones and long tapered jaw, her hair was blackish blue with silver streaks and pulled up tight against her scalp except for a few strands that hung loosely in her face slightly covering her left eye.]
This is one of the best written paragraphs in the chapter. Though there are few grammar and punctuation errors throughout the chapter, your description has just proven to be excellent.
[" My name is Malay what's. Yours little one"]
Close the gap between the quotation mark and [My].
Move [what’s] to the other side of the period.
Remember that you need to end each quotation with punctuation. In this case, it would be a question mark.
["Rakaga" I whispered barely loud enough for her to hear.]
You need to punctuate your quotations. Because this one ends in a period, and it is followed by a dialogue tag (I whispered, he said, she yelled, etc.) the period would be changed to a comma.
I barely noticed the others starring open mouthed at her actions.
Overall, this story interests me. Your plot is very interesting, and it pulls the reader in.
I do see your character as bordering Mary Sue, mainly because of her appearance and how she is a ‘one of a kind’ type. You can keep all of that the same as long as you do your best to give her plenty of flaws. Her raging temper is one, but it will take more than that to make her less of a Sue. I would normally see her name having a meaning as a Sue sign, but because it is related to her temper, then I think it would work just fine.
I really like how Malay is connected to Maxxor, because it gives Rakaga a good connection to him and the Overworld.
You don’t have any misspellings, but I think that you really need to proofread your work, and maybe even get a beta, because while you don’t misspell words, you will sometimes make words separate when they are supposed to be one word, such as sunshine. Or you will write a word with one too many letters and make it a different word, such as staring.
Your punctuation and grammar needs work, but it’s nice to see that you are working on it. You also make up for it a great deal with the amazing description you give. If you continue to work on your grammar and punctuation, and use plenty of description, I'm confident that your story will be a very good one.
I wish you luck and I hope that I’ve been able to help you in some way through this review.
Sincerely, C-kun of Critics United
| YinYangWriter chapter 4 . 1/29/2011
Love the story. Your punctuation and grammer needs a little work, but great story all the same. I hope you write more.
| Karrel chapter 4 . 1/27/2011
I love tiss story
| Bumblebeecamaro38 chapter 4 . 1/20/2011
I haven't really watched the entire series of Chaotic, but I like this fic, I hope you update soon.
| Michelle Winchester chapter 3 . 7/11/2010
hehehehe love it write more sooon
| An Anime Fangirl chapter 3 . 7/11/2010
I really like it. Keep it up.
| pinkdevil chapter 1 . 7/10/2010
Hey! it's a good start! :)