|Reviews for Prom Night Entry|
| The Illegible chapter 1 . 8/2/2010
CHARACTERIZATION: I definitely buy Sherry as a teenage girl. You caught the shallow side of her very well, and I found it interesting that she seems to have chemistry with Jonathan but has already decided he’s “not her type”. I also wonder a bit how she got this fantasy about who she’ll need to marry rather than making her own way. Makes me curious about her background. Especially loved the fact that she was able to play down the whole issue as “just a joke”, which felt VERY true to how bullying works.
Jonathan, while he didn’t fully appear, seemed very innocent to me. Or at least, Sherry perceives his innocence—maybe even naiveté. Makes her dismissing him as “just a skinny farmboy” feel even more harsh, if unintentionally so.
And I like that Bo’s prank didn’t involve physically hurting Jonathan. When it’s all meant in good fun (from the bully’s perspective), just kinda makes more sense that way IMO.
INCORPORATION OF CANON: Definitely expanded on canon characterization, though there wasn’t a lot of specificity. This may actually work given the journal setup, but wouldn’t have minded seeing a few other entries relating to the prank, discussing uncertainties with Bo, Sherry’s personal life and aspirations post-high school, etc. The last is more fleshing out characterization than incorporation of canon, but it connects to the idea of expansion so I’m including it here.
MECHANICS: Think technicalities are the areas that will help polish up this fic most. Cleaning up punctuation (“I’ve” instead of “I;ve”, three dots in an ellipsis, period after “WHY though” and “with the prank”, comma after “I mean ok,” “So yeah”, and “when I told him to kiss me”) spelling (“freshman” instead of “freshmen”, “scoring” instead of “scoreing”, maybe “okay” versus “ok” though that’s a little ambiguous) and capitalization (proper nouns like “Bo” and “Jonathan”) would just allow everything to read more fluidly overall. I was also a bit puzzled by the “19-“ at the start, where it looks like Sherry began to write the date then stopped due to mysterious circumstances. :-) Don’t be afraid to do some estimated guessing with when things take place in terms of year.
IMPACT: I enjoyed reading this piece and the complexity you brought to Sherry as a character. Didn’t feel the guilt alongside her (maybe could’ve been accomplished by delving into what she worries she’s done to Jonathan on a personal level), but I get the sense that that could be because she doesn’t want to go into the guilt herself. It definitely brought me into the story though, and I like that she dismissed all her misgivings for a night of fun. Only crit on impact is that I think the last line could be scrapped in favor of using the previous one as a closer. “I still have time for the rest” makes me ask “Well, why wouldn’t she? Is she expecting to die? Why would she be expecting to die?” Much as I love irony, think it’s a little too heavy there. “Tonight I just want to think about the prom” really feels like she’s dismissing Jonathan from her mind for this evening, and that her focus is shifting (like a regular teen’s) to enjoying the party. And we readers know she’s going to be punished for that, allowing this little sad, sinking feeling in response.
STYLE/TONE: There’s a really nice, understated tragedy to this entire piece. I feel like there’s some subtext in the fact that Sherry mentioned just discussing books twice—reminded me of Daisy’s “these are the most beautiful shirts I’ve ever seen” moment in “The Great Gatsby” (I think—it’s been a while since I’ve read it). Like she has something else she wants to say/write, but is deflecting and minimizing so she won’t have to face it. Or I could be reading into it too much. XD
OVERALL: Biggest crits related to expansion and watching mechanics, but as a whole had a lovely time reading this. Think you added some nice complexity to Sherry and it was fun to see you spend the entire fic in her POV—challenges readers to really identify with her despite (or rather because of) her flaws. Great job!
| Pierides chapter 1 . 7/24/2010
CHARACTERIZATION: Sherry seems to fit in the verse. She is stuck up, snobbish, and the cheerleading type who would date a guy like Bo. Though, not heartless she is one of the catty girls who would use degradation of her foes to succeed.
Jonathan’s awkwardness was perfect. You played that well through Sherry’s eyes. That was definitely young Jonathan and my heart goes out to him. He is awkward, geeky, and too trusting.
Bo, not much to say for him. You did great. He was mean, piggish, and the bully we all know him to be. He scared Jonathan with Sherry’s help just like one would expect.
INCORPORATION OF CANON: You stuck really close to canon for events and yet switch up Sherry’s character, but I believe that was appropriate. This story was great for both its canon elements and the new, novel elements that you, yourself added. Bravo!
MECHANICS: Your spelling and structure is getting a lot better. You had some names you forgot to capitalize and some words you misspelled, but for me it hardly detracted from the tale. You did a very good job.
IMPACT: So Sherry’s not as heartless as we all believe? She’s really mean, very stuck-up, and selfish, but not wholly heartless. She shows some remorse. Yet what makes this story different is the fact that she says she’ll apologize after prom, and us readers know that moment will never come. He’ll never know her heart, it’ll stop beating before she can even open her mouth.
STYLE/TONE: Short, yet sweet. Many contestants have had a personal style and the same is said for you. Your wording and sentence-length capture thinking. Your style was perfect for Sherry’s thoughts. It didn’t too young nor too old, just perfect. A young woman would think in that manner, especially Sherry.
OVERALL: This was very enjoyable. I commend that you were in Sherry’s mind the whole time. It was nice to see from her point of view. You also pulled her off as less of a mean, vindictive harpy and more of the popular girl who doesn’t care for Jonathan, but still has some morals. She realizes that perhaps the prank went too far. She sounds like your average teen girl.
| highland girl 1592 chapter 1 . 6/21/2010
That Sherri would have found out
that apologizing to Jonathan would
been a little too late to save her's
and Bo's collective Jonathan
being asked to kiss the most popular
girl in school would have seemed to
good to be true...and he was right.