|Reviews for Among the Multitude|
| DemonKittyAngel chapter 1 . 2/1/2012
It's sweet. Very sweet.
| cu-kid chapter 1 . 7/22/2011
I should be going to bed...but I figured this was short, so... :)
Wow, this was softly poignant. You said you felt the present tense threw you, but I thought it worked wonderfully for this particular story. I like the awareness they have of each other. I especially LOVE Sarah's reply to Jareth's "Miss me?" No vehement declinations, which is as it should be! :) This whole short is full of wonderfully romantic things that, as usual with your writing, make me smile and sigh happily.
| Tlcatlady chapter 1 . 6/26/2011
I love it when they get to be together. TLC
| Lauralithia2 chapter 1 . 4/18/2011
Holy crap best story EVER. X3 love it! I kind of wish this was a full on story, but at the same time it is perfect the way it is.
| startraveller776 chapter 1 . 4/12/2011
Hee! I love how adventurous Sarah is here at the end. Very cool!
| Olivia18 chapter 1 . 4/3/2011
this was beautiful. i loved it. the perfect little reunion for sarah and jereth.
i love this story. wonderful job! -
| wizzcat chapter 1 . 3/17/2011
Just re-reading some of your stories, I'm thinking of attempting your art challenge... Can't believe I haven't reviewed this until now, it's a beautiful little one-shot, lovely pace and atmosphere with a palpable sense of longing - just wonderful.
| MidnightCat99 chapter 1 . 1/6/2011
I read this back when I first discovered the Labyrinth fandom, and it's still one of my favorite one-shots. Ever. I don't know why I didn't review this months ago…
Anyway, Sarah and Jareth's reunion is short but satisfying, not to mention really sweet. Your writing style is amazing and so descriptive (I especially liked the first sentence). (
| JaneDoe1997 chapter 1 . 12/13/2010
I actually really liked this little one-shot. I think it'd be interesting to see where you go with this.
| Morefindiel chapter 1 . 12/13/2010
I would love to give constructive criticism, so it doesn't just sound like I'm repeating the same old line, but, well, nothing comes to mind. So I will say it again: Awesome! I look forward to reading your stories. I especially like the breadth of them, from Fae parties to bicycle rides to the carnival - it's great!
| VampireMafiaQueen chapter 1 . 10/2/2010
I say this is a perfect oneshot !
| Ayjah chapter 1 . 9/17/2010
| writertron chapter 1 . 9/10/2010
your descriptions are awesome: she reaches across the cold and empty air... love it.
| Schermionie chapter 1 . 8/19/2010
This is very skilfully written overall - the story grabbed me from the start, and every word slid smoothly through my mind and on to the next one. Perhaps the most striking thing about this is the description. It is vivid and perfect, and makes me extremely jealous of your skill. Furthermore, the description aids what is my favourite part of this story - the contrasts. The bright lights and childish splendour of the carnival make its underlying decrepitude and darkness even more prominent; more than that, when most people go to carnivals and themeparks, they don't really pay attention to the 'behind-the-scenes' places, so having Jareth appearing in one of them was very appropriate.
I also loved how you made the boy wishing his brother away the same age as Sarah was when she did the same thing. The fact that she chose to go through the Labyrinth and he chose not to sort of... emphasised one of Sarah's differences from other humans, a difference which I think partially explains Jareth's attraction to her.
However, I do have some nitpicks for you.
"It was a half-hearted threat, a scare tactic; he had been embarrassed by child's excitement over the carnival..." - 'by child's' should be 'by the child's'.
"But he had not gone." - 'had' should be 'has' now, as we've switched back to the present.
"Surrendering to it...after they nod their understanding." - 'after they nod' should be 'after they have/they've nodded'.
"A carnie manning the Tilt-o-Whirl calls after her and she ignores him, picking her way across discarded boards and metal poles – the less glitzy face of his world." - Is 'his world' referring to the carnie who called out to her's world, or should it be 'this world'?
"She stumbles over a discarded box falling to her hands and knees, the gravel biting into her palms." - The way you've worded this makes it seem as if a box is falling to her hands and knees, which makes no sense. It should be either:
"She stumbles over a discarded box and, falling to her hands and knees, the gravel bites into her palms."
"She stumbles over a discarded box and falls to her hands and knees; the gravel bites into her palms."
Or some variation on those, anyway.
"Breathing in deep..." - 'deep' should be 'deeply'.
"Jareth is still for a moment longer, her voice a familiar, poisonous balm to unhealed wounds." - This doesn't work because the sentence is talking about Jareth, and then suddenly switches to Sarah. I would suggest:
"Jareth is still for a moment longer. Her voice is a familiar, poisonous balm to unhealed wounds."
You could have a semicolon or even colon instead of the full stop if you feel they're related enough.
"He doesn't answer; merely tilts his head, considering her." - semicolons are supposed to join two complete sentences (or a monstrously large list that has too many commas to be readable), and 'merely tilts...' is not a complete sentence. You'd need a 'he' before the 'merely'. Alternatively, you could use a comma and change 'tilts' to 'tilting' and replace the comma before 'considering' with 'and'.
"She had sought him out…but why?" - Again, this is present tense so you need a 'has' rather than 'had'.
""I fear you…precious thing" - you need a full stop at the end.
"He is closer than she thought, standing in the middle of the alleyway now, as if he might have pursued her and thought better of it." - 'she thought' should be 'she'd thought'. Also, there's something a little off about 'he might have pursued her and thought better of it' - perhaps it's just me, but would 'but/but then thought better' be preferable? It's probably just me, though...
"She had seen that look before and it tore at her heart." - 'She had' needs to be 'She has', and if you mean it tore at her heart the first time, it should be 'had torn'; if not, it should be 'tears'.
"He extends a hand, almost like it's against his will." - Again it's probably just me, but I would put a 'though' in this sentence. Extending a hand to someone is a gesture that signifies trust, or openness - or some generally positive emotional connection. Conversely, unwillingness can't really be said to be a positive thing. The 'though' would emphasise and make this contrast more real. Also, 'like' in this case is colloquial and 'as if/as though' would be the correct form.
Maybe: "He extends a hand, though it's almost as if it's against his will."
It's entirely up to you, though.
"She looks over his shoulder, staring glassy-eyed in the direction she knew her family was waiting." - 'she knew' should be 'she knows' and 'was waiting' should be 'are waiting'.
"She is only an occasional visitor in her family's lives now, and her own life…well, she had only been going through the motions; something had always been missing." - 'she had only' should be 'she has only' and 'something had' should be 'something has'. This is because while she is on the brink of accepting Jareth's offer, she has not yet done so.
"Her eyes slid back to his." - 'slid' should be 'slide'.
"And that something was standing in front of her offering what she thought had been lost." - 'was standing' should be 'is standing' and 'thought had been' should be 'had thought was'. And for me, there's something off about this sentence. It doesn't quite flow on from the previous sentence - like there is very little connection between them. Perhaps something like this would be better:
"Her eyes slide back to his. And then there's that something standing in front of her offering what she had thought was lost."
The 'then' provides a stronger transition - but it's up to you whether you think it needs changing or not, and if you do think so, that was just an example.
And that concludes my nit-picking. :) Considering that this was your first time working with present tense, it's impressive that there were so few tense mix-ups. Heaven knows I find it difficult enough when a story insists on being set in the present.
When I read the hugging scene, I was a bit like 'This is too fluffy for me'. Even so, you made the fluffiness work. The way Sarah's thoughts of home jolted her away from her surrender to Jareth's arms (...) was very realistic; but then Sarah's thoughts on her slow descent into a mundane and typical life made her final decision to rise above her current existence all the more touching and - well, my vocabulary is failing me again, so I'll just have to repeat the word 'realistic'. This whole fic rang true from start to finish. And best of all, I could actually /hear/ the characters' voices when they spoke. The gorgeous description coupled with the fantastic characterisations, above all, made this fic for me.
These lines demonstrate what I mean better than my words could:
""You're here to take a child." It isn't a question."
""It's only forever, Sarah…""
Ah, I could imagine their voices so clearly!
As I said at the beginning of this rambling review: wonderful.
I mean, it's undeniable that I'm a sucker for a poemfic - but there's also no denying that this is a particularly good one. I loved your choice of poem (not to mention the poem itself), and how you tied it in even more with the line: "There is one here that knows him."
Thanks for sharing!
| camcalli chapter 1 . 7/29/2010
Lovely, just lovely.