|Reviews for Despatches from the world of Harry Potter|
| Hawki chapter 3 . 5/17/2014
Full stops used in place of commas for dialogue, but won't harp on it. That aside, section is decent. Has a 'kiddy' feel, as in, the child characters act as one might expect children to do so.
| Hawki chapter 2 . 4/27/2014
-Like the idea of discovering secret passageways.
-"I'm sorry about that." Cho said as she helped Susan to her feet.”
Needs a comma rather than a full stop after “that.” Also have to question the…coincidence, shall we say, of Cho having a brother named Harry in light of the main character bearing such a name.
-"I'm Susan Bones, from Hufflepuff." Susan said firmly.”
Again with the comma thing.
-I’m admittedly mixed about Cho’s mother voicing assumptions about Hufflepuff. The problem is that I feel in fanfic, Hufflepuff’s had its fair share of defense, so it doesn’t come off as anything new. But on the other hand it says a lot about her character without having to say too much (shows rather than tells), so it’s effective in that regard.
-"Listen, I want to apologise for how my mum treated you." Ch said firmly.”
Again with the comma, “Ch” should be “Cho.”
(Comma thing is repeated numerous times after this, don’t have it in me right now to go through all of them, probably redundant too.)
-"A Chang always pays their debts."
So…they’re a branch of the Lannisters? XD
-Anyway, like the tutoring aspect. Takes things sequentially and logically. Unfortunately, it does kind of fall into telling rather than showing, given the amount of time that’s being covered, but it’s also arguably a structural thing. It goes from “Susan and Cho meet at x” to “Susan and Cho spend time together doing stuff.” Yet on the fourth hand (yeah, I counted), I suppose this works on the principle of “pairing progresses, more time is spent together.”
-Sneak thing doesn’t work too well IMO – it feels like a repeat of book 5 rather than something more unique. Character interactions afterwards work better though.
-Anyway, decent job. Strong overall.
| Hawki chapter 1 . 4/15/2014
-Concerning the title, should be “dispatches.”
-Blanket statement on punctuation in that full stops have been used in place of commas for dialogues. Needs correction.
-Like the dialogue for Fred and George (e.g. continue each other’s sentences).
-Not sure whether Judo would have a place in the wizarding world (or whether most of the community would even know what it is), but like the set-up for the catalyst of going green and whatnot. Anyway, decent job.
| Sherbetgirl chapter 3 . 2/26/2011
Sorry I can't log in. That's so cute :):) a shower of bras! LOL. I love Rose and Scorpius in this one!
| iMissHP chapter 7 . 10/8/2010
3/5 It's a funny piece. The beginning is really well-built, with Hermione's and the girls night. But it loosen up in the end. Even if the firewhiskey could justify Hermione and Angelina behaviour, for me it's a little too quick and goes a little too far to make it believable. But I think it's the mention of Parvati/Lavender and Padma/Ginny that really went too far to make it natural. But I do like the ending, and the funny tone of it. You did a good job with a hard pairing :)
Thank you for taking part in the Comp and answering all the challenges! Also, it's been appreciate that you took time to review the other contestant entries!
| XV-Dragon chapter 7 . 9/22/2010
Sorry for the wait yellow, been meaning to review all the oneshots but got behind in a lot of fics. Though they were all pretty cool, though since I'm not as knoeldgeable with HP as I am with WITCH, sometimes forget which characters are which (Harry and his main friends are easy, as is Draco, but asoem ofthe side characters I getconfused as to who they are)
| iMissHP chapter 6 . 9/7/2010
3/5 I can say you aren't comfortable with the first POV, it's a little hard to follow. I like how you integrated some sentence in parenthesis, it gives more weight to the eleven's years-old POV. But the pace of the fic is confusing, I needed to re-read it several time to sink it. Though, I like all the details you integrated to make it more believable. I also like the ambiguous ending, it's unexpected and closures well your story! I liked it.
| Sev's Little girl chapter 7 . 9/4/2010
this was a really good piece.
| Sev's Little girl chapter 5 . 9/4/2010
| Sev's Little girl chapter 4 . 9/4/2010
this is funny. I never woul of though of draco chasing after a girl
| ThePink1 at Reefside.Net chapter 7 . 9/2/2010
"Fanfiction ... Ooh, I am never going to forgive them for this ..." Hermione fumed. "And Angelina! As if 'd ever do that to Gred or Forge ..." She giggled as she inadvertently used the twins' own nicknames for each other. "Still, this ... Yellow is certainly right. Firewhiskey ... DEFinitely dangerous stuff." It had been the second bottle she and Ron had split their first weekend home after their honeymoon that had given them their lovely baby girl, Rose. She was positive of that ...
"What about George?" a familiar voice asked. Hermione whirled in shock to see Angelina herself stepping into Hermione's decidedly Muggle-ish home study. The bushy-haired witch hurriedly turned off her monitor, just in case her friend came the rest of the way into the room.
"Just reminiscing about the Yule ball, Ang. Wondering which one you'd have picked if Fred hadn't asked you first."
"Can you keep a secret, Her?" Angelina sighed. "I never could pick between them. I'd always had the insane desire to just date the both of them, and to hell with society. Lord knows there're more bizarre things in the society pages ..." She grinned sheepishly. Hermione gaped at her, totally different images in her head than the ones the story had given her now racing through her overactive mind.
"Er, that's ... progressive of you, Angelina. Too bad it never happened, for your sake ..."
"Oh, I'd never say never, Hermione," Angelina with a soft smile.
Hermione had to turn to keep from gaping more, as she blushed at the thought that, likely, some of those wilder images actually HAD happened, once upon a time ...
Okay, I'm so TOTALLY sorry for this one, Yellow. The girls got her started, as you saw, and now ... another fic for them to lampoon with personal nonsense, and an insider's help ... c'est la vie. Catch ya on the flipside, A J.
P.S. Great story. ;D
| Sev's Little girl chapter 3 . 9/1/2010
this is cute,
| Sev's Little girl chapter 2 . 9/1/2010
Nice, I don't know why you said it wasn't your best.. Its certinly better than mine. . .
| Sev's Little girl chapter 1 . 9/1/2010
This was funny. That is something Fred and George would totally do
| DoubleCaramel chapter 7 . 9/1/2010
LOL. I really like the 'epilogue' and the fact that they 'never mentioned it again'.
I think that Lavender and Parvati hitting it together too was a little too much, but it suits the drunk-insane mood and the last lines. I would've also liked if you explained a bit better how things between Hermione and Angelina got that heated after they kissed. I also would've liked if you had portrayed Hermione's kiss as awkward (after all it was her first or second kiss), of course she was drunk, bold and daring but she could still 'look' ridiculous to others. I don't know.
Anyway, overall this was a very creative interpretation of our task. Nice usage of the pairing. Well done!