|Reviews for Journey to Manhood|
| Squishy1780 chapter 3 . 10/11/2012
Ok, so I told you earlier that I would give you a full review of your fic, and here it is. I'm just gonna warn you now, i am going to be blunt and honest. I don't personally like the inclusion of Japanese in a primarily English-language story. To me, it's a distraction and de-rails whatever you were trying to convey, because it makes me go 'da fuq is that', especially if it's a word i don't understand. Moreover, I dislike the use of casual word-dropping, like what is used here. Using Japanese to explain technical things is understandable, but having casually dropped Japanese just doesn't work here, and not to me. But you know what i study and why it would bug me. It's compounded by the fact that you also use italics to stress certain words, thoughts, as well as the Japanese terms. It's very distracting.
I also was very disturbed by the total lack of commas in the first half of the first chapter, and i could tell where you had taken a break and come back to the story: after the blowjob. thankfully after that point, you began using them. until that point, and even to a degree after that, the lack of commas made it difficult to separate thoughts and actions. it made a lot of sentences and thoughts mush together in ways that didn't make sense on a first reading. i'm glad you fixed that, especially at the last chapter, even though it still persisted to a degree.
also, i think that you could use a refresher in dialogue. you don't have to start a new line with every sentence, and you can keep the paragraph going before and after, so long as the speaker doesn't change. funny enough, the second chapter had the best dialogue format.
I was very confused about the setting in the third chapter, and noticed a lack of setting and overall detail. You could've made the scene more intense, and more cohesive by adding in a little more detail.
That's all for the grammar side of it, now review of the story itself: it was cute. overall, it flowed well from scene to scene, as i haven't read loveless, i was confused by who these characters are and their relationship, and my only big gripe about the story is the massive, and confusing, exposition dump at the beginning of the first chapter. i laughed a bit when Ritsuka literally ran into Soubi after the wet dream, and thought it was good foreshadowing. it was a surprisingly vanilla story, but there's nothing wrong with that.
PS: were they MEANT to be quick-shots? especially Soubi, srsly, Ritsuka was so shocked and into the moment the man didn't even get a handjob himself, and he just up and comes? what.
| She.Drowned.In.Venom chapter 3 . 2/2/2012
Despite my issue with the last chapter, I love this story. It's great. I hope you update it soon. :)
| She.Drowned.In.Venom chapter 2 . 2/2/2012
I like the story but, do you actually speak Japanese? Because, if not, don't just put words in that you think you've heard spoken in anime. It's not "sagoi," it's "SUGOI." "Sagoi" isn't a word.
| Faith Valconbridge chapter 3 . 2/15/2011
awwwwww that was beautiful and sooo hot!
| Faith Valconbridge chapter 1 . 2/15/2011
beautifully written! :)
| jadedfox2 chapter 3 . 2/14/2011
lol, i was replying to your PM and i thought..."you know what, i should do that now." so here i am :D i loved the dialouge between soubi and ritsuka about yuiko's boobs xD it was very funny at first, but then you turned it around to something equally great as humor x3 delicious. very much so xD i thought the use of italics well placed at times but somewhat overused in the chapters prior to this one. at first i thought "oh, maybe she's just going to tell me what they mean in a author's note." but then it never came. i think they are unnecessary because the reader can obviously tell that they are not english words (the times you used it to emphisize english word was well done though. alot of times when italics are used in that way they are missused but you did it so well :D). that aside, i love your use of adjectives! so delicious, they are x3 and it is nice to see a willing ritsuka opposed to the usual reluctant or refusing one very delicious xD anyway, good stuff. i hope you update soon and i apologise for not doing this sooner, but at the same time, i'm glad we got to talk :D
have a lovely day :D
| Tlcatlady chapter 3 . 2/9/2011
I'd love for this one to continue...TLC
| Tamer Lorika chapter 3 . 2/7/2011
Mmm I really like the way this is going - just found it, and I rather like it. I hope you continue...
| CheyanneChika chapter 3 . 1/26/2011
that was majorly hot. I really liked the end too:)
| Cynthia Dollar chapter 3 . 1/26/2011
I think it is a great way to put Ritsuka asleep too.
| CheshireTears chapter 3 . 1/25/2011
Hehe... Wow. Hmm, not gonna deny it, I kind of forgot about this story... It was SO worth it though! :3 Kehee... Update soon, PLEASE!
| promocat chapter 3 . 1/25/2011
great job-worth the wait!whew!now i am all hot A& boither & no soubi to comfort meGa few missspellings(i can't spell also) feely for filly-write more soon!
| CheyanneChika chapter 2 . 1/23/2011
You should continue this. I'm intrigued by the story
| CheyanneChika chapter 1 . 1/23/2011
Hmm, interesting so far...the long paragraphs are killing me though.
| promocat chapter 2 . 11/23/2010
i love this-poor ristuka is starting to grow up both in body & soul.i hope you go on