|Reviews for Whole Scope|
| Ganheim chapter 2 . 10/28/2010
Chapter 1: The Usual Meeting
his butterfly-looked mask flickered
[I have no idea what this means]
a long-barreled rifle tore the darkness engulfing both men
[“tore” indicates an abrupt change, which would be appropriate if a gun fired but not just for one being lifted out of a fold of cloth]
Put down your gun, err…, I mean your hand."
[Your descriptions are lacking: I have no clue what’s going on. The description indicated that the rifle appeared BEHIND “butterfly mask”, not in front of him. Unless he’s got limbs sprouting from his back, it’s unlikely he has equipment behind him]
lowered his gun, err…, hand.
[That just looks exceedingly awkward in narrative. It’s stilted enough just in dialog]
poor bishop, do you?"
[The phrasing looks awkward, though “are you” would have fit]
my present isn't in any objection
[presence, though the rest of that sentence still feels awkward]
"I couldn't agree more with you."
[First time I’ve seen it like that, and now I know why: it doesn’t look right. I’ve ALWAYS seen it “agree with you more”]
being "dogs of Wilhelm" so
[Look up how to punctuate quotes within a quote]
dare to make fu-."
Answered the masked, clad-in-blue man
[It’s been pages, and the fact that we’re only NOW getting some of the character description feels awkward. I’ll grant that it looks amateurish to list out everything about a character on their first appearance (generally), but swinging the pendulum too far the opposite way also isn’t right]
the silent player broke the creepy silence
[The silence was creepy? Why? How? We still don’t know anything about the people or setting]
a ray of beam homed down upon him, blasting every bits of him
[Bad grammar/spelling besides being so awkward I’m not sure what your intention is]
"Ethereal form as always eh, Philemon?
[What reason was there for hiding character names? This isn’t a mystery novel]
No wonder you're always in his arsenal of weapon."
[Either bad grammar or just an obtuse sentence]
revealing his unscratched body.
[I think “unscathed” would fit better]
"Former friend my frickin' ass."
[Besides being what seems to be unnecessarily vulgar, the speech patterns here seem to better fit a teenager hopped up on drugs than any being of great power, wisdom, or age. Do none apply here?]
his yellowish orbs perforate straight to the boy
[He’s attacking like the kid did? Descriptions still aren’t all that clear]
Then I'll just wait until I reclaim her in my arm.
oblivious to the approaching happening.
[I think I understand, but it’s still extremely awkwardly worded]
covered with a pair of black glove
They have another Wild Card to aid."
[Along the same lines as P3, Aigis’ Episode, and P4? Or more to the idea of all characters being able to use various Persona (ala 12, if I heard correctly), personally I like that idea better because it allows more use of exploiting the “people wear various masks” idea that Persona touches on (more strongly in 4 than the others I’ve seen) but never directly dealt with]
upon the older man comment
a light one, yet filled with certain grimness
[Those sound rather contrary]
statue of certain boy plastered on it
[What, we can’t just say Arisato? He was given a canon name, for goodness sakes! Even if Minato wasn’t, you could either: 1) give a proper description (“certain boy” does nothing), and I think that would be the best option, or 2) use the name]
close to checkmate you
[checkmating (as sentence’s phrasing indicated present-tense)]
The installments there were obviously futuristic.
[How so? This is just telling and not showing]
Hiding in one of the locker
scythes in place of hand
Not long that the man was
[I have no idea what this means]
the "man", the collapse,
[Why doesn’t it just say shadow? Continuing to describe something that’s not a man as a man is bad writing]
[Why even bother with a cast list unless you’re going to actually fill in the info? The characters should be clear with only the information from the narrative itself, anyway]
Your opening story is vague, descriptions are largely missing, and while I’m interested in the premise of a unified tale directly tying in all of the Persona games…the technical flaws (spelling, grammar, bad wording that leave whole paragraphs unclear) seriously degrade what could be an interesting story.
"GET THE FUCKING AWAY FROM MY CHILD!"
[Look, it’s crude profanity without any reasonable context. Could we possibly have a reason for either the all-caps or the profanity, if not both? It doesn’t even have good grammar]
"YOU FEDERATION SCUM!"
[Yay, down with star trek!
What’s with all the crickets? It made more sense than the harsh dialog without any clarification. There’s no sense of battle, storm, or anything at all. The dialog attempts to inject a sense of harsh action but just doesn’t cut it]
The Aria is not COMPLETE!
[And nobody ever conquered the world with a beta version]
Isn't your hands at work on it too?"
[I have no idea what this is supposed to mean]
The Federation armies have penetrated this far.
[Last you mentioned was ‘mothership’. Are we in a star-ship science fiction, watery navy, or something else now?]
Where the hell is you Asuka?
The other passenger, an old woman, in his nearly hollow cabin began to eye him with fear.
[According to what little description you’re giving, Souji’s just shouting in pain and holding his head. Are migraines that unusual in Japan? I think not]
"NOW STAND ON YOUR GROUND OR I'LL SHOOT YOU TO DEATH!"
[Sounds very soviet]
really wanna death old man
[_die_ old man]
Hey, how come a song suddenly plays?"
[Where did that come from?]
Fear was clearly plastered on her eyes.
"Are you alright, son?"
[The dialog says “concern”, not “fear”]
like how a father love his daughter
Witness me redeeming my sins…"
[Although not technically grammatically wrong, this still looks awkward. Maybe “Witness the redemption of my sins…”]
What can I be help?
and women who promptly busted into
their terrified face
were shown to his hazy sight.
[Extremely stilted grammar]
Here's the list of the SFXs and theirs corresponding sounds:
[I’ve heard that “a picture is worth a thousand words”, but a thousand words paint a better picture. Don’t rely on onomatopoeias if the context isn’t clear: written text is unique in that it’s not only acceptable but GOOD to explicitly say what’s going on. Obviously it’s impossible to portray EVERYTHING, but presenting a clear scene and context is extremely important. Don’t just write “stabbity stab stab” if you can be more clear with “the Shadow’s dark lance stabbed into Guy Freeman’s chest like the body armour was tissue paper”. That’s just an example based on guessing about your story, but do you see the difference?]
Heck, it won't even allow me to use emoticon!
[Good. Use real words instead]
paragraphs enclosed by "." are flashbacks
[A flashback is an event in a person’s past. What I think you’re referring to is not a flashback but a clairvoyant vision]
The same problems that made chapter 1 hard to follow are even worse in chapter 2. Grammar and the technical aspects are riddled with errors, we have pretty much no context (and for two chapters in a row that’s a good way to push writers away from your story), and virtually no information about the who or what. If you want people to read your story, there has to be _something_. Even mystery stories dole out some information…they just tend to obscure its importance while also throwing out red herrings.
| Syphira chapter 10 . 9/26/2010
O:, Sayaka 3.
I'm loving how there's so much that's still unclear to me. Keep it up
| Blackecplise chapter 10 . 9/25/2010
AWESOME SENPAI! :DD
AND OH MY GOSH! SHINJIRO! O_O;;;
good luck in the exams! be looking forward to your updates, ANIKI! :D :D :D
| Syphira chapter 8 . 8/25/2010
Sorry, I haven't been able to say anything. Stuff has been going on, so... Yeah..
But! I love this chapter! I like the battle style in this chapter, and hope to see how it grows in the later chapters!
Keep it up :D
| Blackecplise chapter 8 . 8/25/2010
yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay you finally updated! :D :D :D
Well! this was pretty goooooooooooooood! :D :D :D
Can't wait for your next chapter! :D
| Blackecplise chapter 7 . 8/8/2010
This was awesome! XD I saw more of my character here! XXDD
Thanks alot Origa-sempai! I'll call you that alright? :D
In return, I'm going to include you in one of my fanfics as well! XXDDD
I'll be looking forward to the next chapt!
And did Souji blush! 0_0 /
Oh, and my Dad is there! (well, character's dad but you get what I mean)...But that vision part was a bit confusing, I suggest for some more detail, a little since the dialouge was morely focused in that part :D
| Astrih Konnash chapter 7 . 8/7/2010
Hmmmmmmmmmm.. a new mistery (with Blackeclipse's char not directly involved, but part of it). Many puzzle pieces still scattered, will wait for next chapters.
(IMHO) The flashbacks gives a lot of info (and a lot of questions) while the dialogues and descriptions build up the whole scenario. Thats very nice
I like conflict between Souji's parents - it fits quite nicely in this fic.
| Blackecplise chapter 6 . 7/19/2010
WOW! My character finally showed up! :D
But I was expecting my character to be more mysterious..._;;, like Naoto/Minako/Mitsuru mixed up,
But I like my hair here! :D awesome!
Anyhow, you're story telling is now improving! things seems to be more understandable and we get to feel what Souji's feeling, keep it up! and good luck with your University! :D
| Astrih Konnash chapter 6 . 7/19/2010
Hmmmmmmmmm.. more questions than answers at the moment - more P3 reference (Elizabeth and the pic shes looking at).
Interesting part about Soujis parents too.
Keep these chapters going (but care about university too!)
| Syphira chapter 5 . 7/15/2010
Hahaha, I like the chapters! Finally caught up from having problems. Though, keep up the good work!
| Astrih Konnash chapter 5 . 7/15/2010
Improvements are getting better and better - keep it going
Hmm, P3 chapter with Minako as MC and Junpei doing his Ghost Story telling as usual - and the other characters not taking it seriously at all - loved the P4 hidden boss references XD
Waiting to see what's happening next with P4 chars - mostly poor Souji - and the mysterious new chars/whatever.
| Blackecplise chapter 4 . 7/14/2010
Yeah, I did notice the time gap, and knew it was impossible for the SEES to be adults,
I just wanted to see how it was like! So that's why my fanfiction too when you combind P3 and 4 is like that, it is fun though, adults and teens fighting along side each other, :D
Nice story! I was laughing in the character of the first part! :D
COOL! I HAVE A DAD HERE!
CAN'T WAIT FOR THE NEXT UP DATE!
| Astrih Konnash chapter 4 . 7/13/2010
Whoa, didn't read chapter 3 and 4 till now
for chapter 4:
much less confusing with the modifications.
for chapter 5:
Mr Recca - I thought it was a "Flame of Recca" reference - total miss ;
funny chapter? I LOVE P4 for its humor - playing it makes me laugh so hard that my father thinks I'm going (more) insane ;
*mental image of the Gigas (shadow leader) sweat-drop while the duo is having the argument* Epic LOL XD
| Guest chapter 2 . 7/9/2010
This particular chapter was very confusing for me at first since I'm not habituated in reading only lines of dialoques.
However, looking to the fact that Souji was in pain as those flashbacks were playing, I concluded that those flashbacks were violent, thus it made sense that they're not as convenient as usual flashbacks.
I've got a grip on several characters here! But,.. Guess I'll wait for more info to make sure of my theory..
Anyway, this chapter is awesome as well as the first one and I think I'll make this as of my favourite when I'm not lazy enough to log in.! (hehe..-)
| Blackecplise chapter 3 . 7/9/2010
Awesome Orgiarebrus-san! :DDDD
So you're also including Persona Trinity Soul? and also the adult Akihiko! WOOOOAAAH!
And I have one question...I saw 'Mr. Recca',...Is it really like that? or an Error? But! Maybe you really made it Mr! :D, besides, Auru Recca is the name I gave to you for my character! :DD
Nice going Orgiarebrus-saaannn! KEEP IT UUP!
Damn, I need to think of my cont. of the chapters! XO