|Reviews for Ten Candies: Part One: Two Couples|
| ImmortalFangirl chapter 15 . 11/22/2013
Look, I think this would have been an awesome story if a few things were taken out. First, that damn descriptiveness. It's always good to add a few details, but like the entire second chapter was just describing the four boys now! Plus they kinda went a little OC there... I think I could have understood it better if I wasn't skipping lines just to get to the actual story
| UndoneChaos chapter 5 . 11/28/2012
Meep. OK, so a few comments to this. Firstly, YAY! They finally had sex. Secondly, a little critique. I believe that your story is a bit too detailed sometimes, taking away from the main purpose of what you are writing. You use some of the same words multiple times, which is fine! But maybe instead of describing Kenny's eyes as sapphire, you could put 'captivatingly blue'. IDK, but your story is still good nonetheless! I'll read more when I get home today.
| UndoneChaos chapter 4 . 11/28/2012
Holy crap I can't stop reading this. It's totally unfair as well, because JE-SUS! I have to go to school in two hours. Eh, I could read another chapter in two hours...
I seriously am loving this story. And four chapters in enough for me to click the favorite button.
| UndoneChaos chapter 3 . 11/28/2012
I swear, if something doesn't happen between Po' Boy and Hippie, I will flip from the tension.
Also, loved your description of the "Freaky Four".
| UndoneChaos chapter 2 . 11/28/2012
Much less to say on this chapter. Only that this deserves way more reviews, I love the way you write Kenny, Kyle and Cartman need to just screw and get it over with, and FUCK! Ken and Stan's little relationship/flirt-y thing is so fucking cute I want to scream.
| UndoneChaos chapter 1 . 11/28/2012
OK, so firstly, let me say that this has been the only bookmark on my toolbar for about a week now. I wanted to read it so bad, your teasers, summary, and drawings had captivated me. I just never had the time. Seeing as, now, I did–(at least to read the first chapter)–I indulged in the story with a screaming interest held beneath my calm exterior. And I have a few critiques to make.
Firstly, I am thrilled. I am utterly fascinated by this and I'm almost crying for more. The way you write is so... Enthralling. I feel as if this is the story I have waited my 13 years of existence to read. Not that it has no errors, but I'm getting to that.
Your story is, in my opinion, a tad bit too descriptive. We all know that anyone who watches South Park has a less than average attention span*, so I fear that the long, dialogue-less paragraphs might turn some lazy readers away. But details are not a bad thing, because in this case they make the story more interesting to me as a person.
That is really the only bad thing about the story, other than the possibly too lengthy chapters. If they were made just a bit shorter, I would've been able to read this days ago. But this also, in my case, is not a bad thing. It gives me something to read on my forever-and-a-day long plane ride next week.
On to the good. I love how you write Kenny. You literally word him in his own reality, no faux-ness about him. The part about Stan and Kenny entertaining fingers leads me to think that there is a hidden something beneath that friendly exterior. And the way that Kenny reacted at Stan's use of the word 'girlfriend'... There's definitely something Stan doesn't know about Ken.
Kyle and Cartman's way of getting along, I believe you capture to a T. Honestly, it makes me feel like I'm right there with them, even in their bodies, feeling that rage. You have a way with their relationship, my friend, that makes me want to read until my eyes burst.
Characters, speaking of. Good Lord how you portray them. It's so unbelievably on-target that you would think you'd lived with them! And Sheila, oh boy. You've made me fear her, that's for sure.
I've just written too much now haven't I? Sorry, I think that was all I wanted to say. But in the meantime, I hope you are writing more of this fabulous story, seeing as this is only titled Part One.
Ciao for now–
*Not in an insulting way
| Meka chapter 15 . 8/24/2012
A really interesting story. I wish the pacing was a bit faster but the descriptions are captivating in most of the conversations and that gives a lot of depth to the actions and emotions than what the characters are saying. And what the hell is wrong with Ike?, he is like a little disturbed monster in training (even scaries than cartman and that's saying a lot), if I was Kyle i'd never set a foot in my house again. Anyway, back to my point, this has an ambitious plotline compared to other romance fics so I hope to read more of this soon.
| TheQuietDepressedGirl chapter 1 . 7/27/2012
| Mariani chapter 15 . 6/15/2012
I...need to be honest, here.
I understand this is likely an abandoned project now, but I've been with this story since the beginning and there's a few things I need to comment on.
Firstly, the style this is written in. It's not very readable. It doesn't really flow, with such long pauses and streams of sensory detail in between dialogue. The story hardly progresses much at all, and I apologize if that sounds rude, but this is entirely my opinion. The complexity of the descriptions of very simple things, such as a character's apperance or even a plain gesture, is incredibly distracting.
I also felt the romance between the two couples was a bit rushed. As well as their highlight personality traits being a bit over-played, chiefly Kyle's anger. But that's beside the point.
I guess what I mean is, there's too much STUFF to have to wade through for this to be very readable, or enjoyable, for that matter. The plot is intriguing and has potential, but the story-telling itself is clunky and needs to be lessened. I've read other pieces of yours and understand that that is your style, but the depyh and amount of detail is simply too much. In my experience, less is more, especially in literature and writing. There are too many long, spiraling passages of something mundane, like the sunset over South Park, or Kenny's bedroom, with piles of imagery before any amount of dialogue for this to maintain interest or leave any kind of room for an emotional response from the reader. My advice would be, next time, try to keep it simple. Although, on a less constructive note, this is fascinating all the same, and your rich vocabulary definitely enhances it. I hope my criticism wasn't too harsh, it's merely my opinion.
| login next time chapter 15 . 2/11/2012
um well this has to be one of the best views of south park i've seen, and i actually hate romance. but your kenny is insane which i take is a granted by how many times he died. anyway i was wondering if there is gonna be a scene with kenny having to go to counseling?
| Dinders chapter 15 . 11/25/2011
I want to know what happens next! Awesome chapter! You still have the most amazing writing out of every story I read on fnfiction! I hope the next chater comes out soon :D
| passionateartist chapter 14 . 11/15/2011
Best two in a half hours of my life EVER. I think I read this thing slower and slower with each chapter. Soon it's gonna take me 4 hours for one chapter. I can't help it! The more I like a story the slower I read it to take it all in!
I think I'm gonna sit here for awhile and think about life and how it has no meaning without this story. I had to stop several times throughout this chapter just to keep from losing my shit and having a nervous breakdown. Oooooh the things your words do to meeee! My heart, it BLEEDS. Ike's made his first appearance. YAY! :D But he's covered in blood. D:
Goddammit another tease with the fuckin birthday party of doom. And what's this? Something happened at Cartman's tenth too? Oh my god, fuck my life! Everyone and their mother must've had some shitty-ass tenth birthday party that's relevent to this wonderful, gut-wrenching plot somehow. Stop doing this to meeeee! *cries* I can't take anymore of these birthday teasers! They make me sad inside!
What is life really? What is reality? Air is to live? Negative, I know nothing but of the dance floor and two figures slowing waltzing around the room. This is where I live now.
| passionateartist chapter 13 . 10/23/2011
Could you get any more AWESOME? Goddammit it took me two wonderful, agonizing hours to read chap 13. I swear my favorite thing about this fic is the imaginary ballroom dance. Shit is going down and I'm losing my mind. THANK YOU! Sanity can be so boring.
| Dinders chapter 14 . 10/22/2011
Love it! The ending was so emotional! The entire thing was beautifully written! I can't wait for the next update!
| Pepper chapter 14 . 10/17/2011