|Reviews for Harry Potter and the Rise of the Grey Lord|
| BlackJackBJ chapter 2 . 1/28/2015
Please update soon...
| aradjha chapter 1 . 6/29/2013
I like your points, friend. But here's a few comments. I read some of the first part of this story you're writing, and thought: it would be better if there was more... interaction. It's a history text, a summary, but it goes on and on and on. My view on exposition is that it should be blended into the story. Make it a part of the story to talk about all this stuff about voldemort and potter and grey magic. Make us discover this new "grey" area when Potter does. Expose it through him. It might not be crucial to the story as you see it, but it will give you an excuse to flesh out your Potter, his attitude, his mindset. Involve his younger brother. His friends, his enemies, his life. This makes the exposition interesting, puts us right there when he discovers that first spell. And then it gives you a chance to explore the morality of the different arts and Potter's growing understanding of them. How is grey magic different from light magic? You may have covered this - but I'm saying; too many amateur writers skip straight past the character establishment to jump into the plot. Spend time on the little details. Give us a chance to understand this new world. This addition of NEW MAGIC is a big change. How is the world different? What makes this characters?
This is a good idea. Take the time to flesh it out from the beginning. Don't start out with a Bad Ass protagonist. Start out with a boy. Who happens to have a very unique little brother. And also, don't expose needlessly. That was supposed to be my point.
Anyway, don't stop.
| danbear chapter 2 . 4/18/2013
| iceland chapter 2 . 12/2/2011
it is a good story to read and wonder what happens when harry is at hogwarts. what will be think of him being gray or neutral.
| Kimkrys chapter 2 . 2/3/2011
CAN'T WAIT FOR MORE!
| Lord Blood chapter 2 . 1/13/2011
NO. it is muggle. not fucking mundane. get it through your head. if you want to talk insulting terms, mundane is more insulting. it means normal, unimaginative, bland (as defined by ). there is no such basis for using the term mundane. i dont know what retard author first started it, but it's stupid and wrong. just like how you call blonds BLOND, it's because they are blond. people take offense to being blond, as it relates to being stupid and airheaded, so why dont we all just call them something else then, if we apply the same logic you use for muggles and mundane? see what i mean? we dont call blonds "yellowhaired" or something equally stupid. /rant
| Immortal Sailor Cosmos chapter 2 . 1/1/2011
I really life how you've put hti together, and for a massive OC based story, it's going very well. I await the next interesting chapter!
| AddictedtoHPForever chapter 2 . 12/14/2010
| hasocdaboutanime chapter 2 . 11/15/2010
please update soon
| untoldpleasure chapter 2 . 11/11/2010
Le Gasp! C'est Fantastique! This is the best BWL brother story i've read and I'd ask that you keep updating it regularly.
| blah blah blah chapter 2 . 9/19/2010
So yeah, Lasik, awesome stuff. But the 'muggle' surgery would NOT be done on children. The surgeons are iffy on doing it to people who are just barely over 18. It's not because of saftey, but becuase children are still developing, which means that their eyesight changes greatly, while when you get older the deteriation rate of your eyes tends to be the same from year to year. It's that 'still developing' part that prevents surgeons from giving children lasik becuase the prodcedure could become completely void after just a few years because the child's eyesight changed too much.
| David305 chapter 2 . 9/19/2010
You have a nice and interesting story! You really need a beta reader, though. Betas provide a light edit to remove typos and language errors that burden a story and make it unnecessarily harder to read. I assure you, this suggestion is meant to help - not to hurt your feelings. Everyone has their weak areas.
In my experience, many writers simply don't believe you when you tell them their stories are full of errors, because they are unable to recognize their own mistakes. ("We don't know what we don't know"; i.e. we are unaware of the gaps in our own knowledge.) So to make the point, here's what I noticed:
A lot of fan-fiction writers become enamored of the expression, "common room," and use it to describe living rooms in private homes. But the term is never used that way.
A common room is, by definition, a room held "in common" (i.e. collectively) by an extended group. (In Hogwarts, the room is held in common by all the members of that house - in contrast to the dorms, which are privately used by those who reside in them.) The concept is similar to the "town commons" - a field or park in some towns in England or New England, which is not owned individually, but held in common, for public or shared use.
A person or family does not share their own living room with other people; though the lobby of an apartment building (block of flats) might be considered like a common room. In a private residence, one may have a living room, sitting room, drawing room, parlor, lounge, den, etc. But unless some other family has access to use it at will, it is not a common room.
It also is never called a "commons room." There are some varied errors of usage here that could do with the extra eyes of a beta, e.g.:
"exactly two years after the day to my birth date." two years to the day after my birth date.
"before I left to Hogwarts" left for Hogwarts
"if his baby brother had not already woke her up" woken
"had handed back the reigns" reins
"had handed back the reigns of the island of Hong Kong back to mundane China" [Only one "back" is needed.]
"he had still has his hands full" he had still had
"had been an junior Unspeakable" a junior
"Dorea had left behind a pair of great tomes behind" [Only one "behind" is needed.]
"without the use of a foci" a focus [Foci is plural.]
"that pesky Statue of Secrecy" Statute
"looking something he could perhaps use wandlessly" for something
Occlumency: [The primary purpose of its use is to block a legilimencer. The organization of the mind is secondary. This is suggested by the Latin word itself: Occludere to block; mens mind.]
"others included less messier hair" less messy
"dad wasn't home" ; "mom's still running secretary" [When a family noun is used as a nickname, it is capitalized; when it is used generally, it is not. Thus: "Is Grandpa home?" but "Is your grandpa home?" BTW, being British, they'd call their mother "Mum" rather than "Mom."]
"alright then." all right [Though popular in fanficdom, 'alright' is still not a word in English.]
"Matthew Potter merchanise" merchandise
"Lily's dishevelled hair and the bags under James' eyes belied their fatique" [Two errors: fatigue, not fatique; and to belie means to contradict or misrepresent. You mean, revealed their fatigue.]
"wouldn't be quite the white elephant in the room" [That's called a "mixed metaphor": the "elephant in the room" is something hugely significant that no-one acknowledges; the "white elephant" is an unwanted, pointless gift - especially one that is expensive to maintain.]
"evidence for and again" against
Betas are free! They make writers look good.
For details on how, why (and why not) to get a beta, you can click my user-name, and see the short essays on my bio-page.
Keep it up!
| Furionknight chapter 2 . 9/19/2010
I look forward to more :)
| rosewinkle chapter 2 . 9/19/2010
I like it. I'm glad you're not bashing the Potters, it was really getting old. A normal family is a breath of fresh air!
I love Ravenclaw!Harry and I can't wait for his arrival at Hogwarts...I wonder if Snape will be the same...
Anyway, good job! I can't wait for the next update!
| itachisgurl93 chapter 2 . 9/19/2010
wow..only four? i'm impressed! lol! so few! lol! ohhhh! bookworm harry! love it! thx 4 the update!