|Reviews for Why would you hang out with a girl like me?|
| Guest chapter 1 . 5/10/2013
Nice, enjoyed ii !
| The Man chapter 1 . 4/3/2013
It was nice. I enjoyed it.
| Ganheim chapter 1 . 11/2/2010
but I did not
join me in one of trips
over an hour to get ready every year.
[I’m pretty sure most people spend an hour getting their hair ready...in a year. If you meant ‘every DAY’ that’s quite different]
They just wish they
We set off right and made our way to the shops.
[Sounds slightly awkward and forms repetition with the opening of the later paragraph, but it fits better there so this could be easily deleted]
I was not going to let some boy take it away from her.
[SHE was not?]
He even told me if she
[You sound confused about second-person pronouns, and it’s a recurring problem in your story. Make sure to read over your stories carefully before posting, because as often as it appears I’m only going to point it out here]
I wanted to see he'd
calling Souji, my boyfriend
When she asked for something, Souji said get it yourself.
[It must have been too long since you checked – there ARE videos on youtube and other places you can check if you can’t check in your own game (I’d understand that, as long as the game can be). Saying “asked for something” is like crying out “the author never bothered to check”. It’s not subtle. If you forget something, look it up. For something like this it’s easy]
It most respects
Souji cut in with sharp words.
[I thought Kou spoke up before Souji could? Granted, the game sticks rather stiffly to the “silent protagonist” and that scene is ambiguous]
why ask when I could tell him to do so.
[Wording seems rather stiff, and the sentence is a question but missing the correct terminating mark]
Kou was always on my thoughts and I told Souji.
[Awkwardly worded and your story forgets to note something important like that. The game gets away with it because the story focalizes on Souji, yours is on Ai. You’re already giving plenty of her thoughts, you forgot these]
I decided I needed to tell someone how I used to be.
[This would’ve been a good time to give us a direct portrayal of the scene. Absolutely everything has been a rather vague summary of the Moon S-Link. Here you could have given direct dialog and her internal thoughts and feelings. The contrast was put far better in the game than in here because it doesn’t shy away from that specificity]
the guy I wanted to
[The “to” is unnecessary]
he just doesn't know you very well
[I bet he doesn’t know any of the users very well – this is why using the right pronoun is important. This could’ve been an interesting scene (especially if you put us in it), but instead you skip over most of the details that make the scene anything more than droning text]
I wonder if I
I don't really think far ahead anymore
[I think this should go “I didn’t think ahead”]
I have hanged with my best friend
[At the gallows? That’s what “hanged” means (by connotation). Look at the sentence: it’s awkward]
"Thank you," I told him.
[The first direct dialog in the story, and too late to really make a real difference]
I refused to really put in conversational pieces because I didn't want to.
[You forgot the lines and didn’t want to look it up, huh?]
Two things strike me about this story: it’s very distant, and it looks nothing more like a summary. That’s really all it is, with virtually no added introspection about the characters. Nothing to grow beyond the confines of the game. The mistakes in personal pronouns were also annoying, but at least those were the only noteworthy technical errors I saw. Regardless, this concept could have been very interesting if you put us IN the story, rather than giving it a powerful past-tense, far-away sense that makes it very difficult to hold interest.
| Zephyr chapter 1 . 8/12/2010
This was a wonderful story. :) There are a couple of minor errors, though, like you wrote the story in one perspective and then edited it to another afterward. For example, these lines:
"I was not going to let some boy take it away from her. When she told Souji, he didn't seem to mind or care."
Well, I think that's where the mix up starts. It's appears occasionally through the rest of the story. It's still pretty easy to understand, but it's slightly distracting sometimes. ... Still, I love your writing! :) Good work!
| kryuzei chapter 1 . 7/15/2010
I was sad when I tried to search for Ai x Souji fic in this site, and just found one fic...
...but I think, this one fic is already good enough to fill my craving for this pairing fic.
Thank your for creating this story.
| BonusParts chapter 1 . 7/5/2010
A bit angsty, but understandable coming from Ai, given the events in her Link. That said, I kind of like the rambling nature of this inner monologue. There's a lot of need in her words/thoughts that shows the middle-Ai rather than the more free-spirited Ai we get to see when the Link is maxed, but - again - I can see where it's coming from.
The only thing that reads a little bit weird is the first section. She refers to "you" directly, and then for the rest of the piece she refers to Souji by name, rather than "you" again. I think this can work, if you tweak it a bit. The easiest thing is just to change the pronoun in the first section to match the rest; slightly more time-consuming is to replace the pronouns in the subsequent sections to match the first.
There is also a third option I can think of, though. You can keep the sections pretty much as they are, and put in a transitional piece, as though Ai is telling this story to Souji. It takes more effort to edit this so that it "sounds" right, with her speaking to Souji and yet still referring to him as an objective participant. The best thing to do in that case would be to read through the whole thing in Ai's voice, and picture Souji sitting right in front of her throughout. Then shape the prose to fit that situation. You can tell the same story, with the same moments, but it does take more concentration to follow through with it that way. Still, would be neat to see.
Overall, pretty good. We don't get to see many stories where Ai is portrayed in a sympathetic light, but this one does well.