Reviews for Sons of Orpheus
Darkchild130 chapter 8 . 9/22/2011
Just read this chapter, nice solid action, notice that you like to use human supporting characters. This is a good thing imo as it makes the de-humanised personalities of the Astartes all the more obvious.

I hate dark Eldar btw, every time they die it's a joy to read.
Darkchild130 chapter 2 . 9/20/2011
I like your description of Zerethras in this story, he seems like a reasonable and intellignet marine, like Apha legionnaires should be.

I was also happy to see squad Nicanor take casualties, as so often in Imperial fluff the Loyal Space Marines are overpowered to the point of absurdity.

One issue I have with your stories is I think you use auto correct when writing them, as I have noticed certain words that though spelt correctly, are the wrong words entirely.

One example is when it says that lukias drew his combat knife and talked the alpha legionary, when it clearly meant to say tackled.

I suggest you read through your work once completed and manually edit it to avoid this.

But otherwise I enjoyed this and look forward to reading more.
Darkchild130 chapter 1 . 9/19/2011
"Corporal Ramsen is dead"

Corporal Ramsen is a legend!

I like how the space marines regarded the humans with an innocent curiosity, Ramsen really made this story something good. Just a shame he had to die, but then again it's called Grimdark for a reason!

I like the attitude of Nicanor too. Though he has the usual Astartes aloofness and superiority complex, he comes across as being a bit more humble than regular marines. This is a good thing.

will read more chapters later
Afan chapter 8 . 3/31/2011
These are all excellent! Watch your spelling, especially, and avoid using terms repetitively. However, I see clear efforts to improve your writing, and for these I applaud you, and also for your skill.

I really enjoy the looks you take at the difficulty of human-Astartes interaction. Too many writers make Astartes into fluffy bunnies around humans, but yours are reacting more realistically. The mix of confusion, duty, disgust, and all the rest are very good.
the Reader chapter 8 . 3/29/2011
Varion is a brilliant character. I love how you are exploring the deep human psyche that still lingers inside the steely Astartes. The combat was very done as well. Our poor Sergeant hasn’t had very good luck lately. Here’s hoping he gets some vicious payback.
the Reader chapter 7 . 1/9/2011
Great chapter, very solemn ending. Its good to see Nicanor's humanity. That and I hate the Tau with a passion, seeing them get their butts kicked is always gratifying. Some typos here and there, you should consider a beta reader. Keep up the great work!
nicholasakira chapter 6 . 12/28/2010
Pretty action-oriented, that's for sure. Are you trying to pit the Praetors against all the other factions?

And Sister Galatea is dead? Hmm, I know that name from somewhere.
the Reader chapter 6 . 12/26/2010
Great update. Cant wait to see what kind of trouble Nicanor and the boys get into next.

Some typos here and there, nothing that takes away from the story.
Pixo chapter 5 . 12/21/2010

Sorry for long delay in reviewing the final chapter of Sons of Orpheus! But here we go:

As I've said before, you write a good combat scene. It was fast-paced and bloody, just as all good fight scenes should be. Your skills at description are as good as ever, and your choice of Sons syntax has improved ... I think they're more gothic in this chapter. That said, your Sons have a serious amount of cheek! Heron calling a Space Wolf an ignoramus ... I think that might be considered fighting words! Hah!

I liked Nicanor's reaction to killing Tyranid for the first time. Very Space Marine - rightous fury and unbreakable pride. Speaking of Space Marine's, in one sentence you say that Nicanor is like any good space marine and obeys orders ... in the past his boys haven't always obeyed orders. Does that make them bad? Or just young? Or are they mavericks at heart?

Though its a good read and well written, this chapter is a little flat for me. This chapter and one before it is story about unlikely friends, but this chapter is basiclly one big fight scene - which is fine (though it concluded rather quickly). However, it wasn't enough for me. Space Marines, great and terrible killing-machines of the God-Emperor, are supposed to have seen it all, done it all, nothing fazes them - as such I thought you could have made more of the "first-time" aspect of fighting Tyranids.
Pixo chapter 4 . 11/2/2010
Heh, so the Sons have a sense of humour after all!

Nicely written, I liked the hints of their culture and world, their lifestyle and beliefs. Excellent stuff! Also, I think you captured the Space Wolfs mentality well, barbaric and proud. I think you captured the contrast between them too. The Sons with their ingrained indoctrination and the Wolfs with their wildness - yet, oddly enough its the Sons who wear personal heraldry, while the Wolf's armour is uniform, only their decorations and fetishes display their sense of wild individualism.

The fight scene was good, though I thought Nicanor was gonna slap him around like a little Blood Claw, then fight Fenrik!

One thing that I wasn't quite convinced by, was Heliocles's dialogue. I don't know what it was, but it just didn't seem to be the right voice for him. Simply put, he seemed to nice. The others hardly respected him, nor did Nicanor control his Marines in his presence. Seriously, his whole dialogue starts with him having to repeat himself(?) - when does a Librarian 'repeat' himself? He might be a nice Space Marine, but he should also scare the crap out of others by merely being there, and his presence should reinforce military/Astartes protocol (ie Nicanor wanting to show he's got his boys in tip-top shape, not mouthing off like a bunch of rookies).

Also, don't waste to many words describing the characters we already know. Save your excellent talent at description for the stuff we don't.
Pixo chapter 3 . 10/31/2010
The chapter was a striking departure from your others. You spent a lot more time describing - the various Space Marines, the Cadian regiments, the battlefield lay out, etc. In and of itself it's not a good or bad thing, just very different from your earlier, more fast-paced chapters.

That said, another excellent short. I don't have much to suggest. Which is rare, indeed!

You write a mean battle tale, but I would like to see more of the inner workings of the Sons of Orpheus, and not see every chapter as a battle log. For example, instead of having Nicanor tell us about the Captain's planned assault, you could have shown us them in conference. Shown them debating, arguing, infighting, grumbling, moaning, threatening. Your Sons aren't fully flushed out yet, we need to see them outside of war.
Pixo chapter 2 . 10/31/2010
An excellent chapter. The fight scene was well done and well written. I liked the introduction of the other characters. I haven't much thought on suggestions, as these was a solid short story - only a handful of grammar errors and typos.

One thing occurred to me though. Would Valeria know what chapter the Chaos Space Marines were by their herealdy alone? Knowledge is power in 40K, and she is a mere lowly adept, and I would think the authorities would be going around and shouting about Chaos Space Marine being on planet … the Inquisition might show up and just virus bomb the place!

Also, you've use the phrase "some sort of" more then once ... something either is what it is, or it isn't - moreover, it ruins your good use of metaphors.
Pixo chapter 1 . 10/30/2010
Get rid of the summary. You want your story to start with a punch, not boring summary or Author's notes (put those the end, if you think you 'must' have them.)

A big thing I noticed is that you use different tenses. The first part is 1st person, which is well written and almost poetic - keep it as is but maybe make all italics or so how different, to display the difference between Nicanor thinking, and Nicanor doing. Everything else is 3rd person. However, you write some in 3rd person present and 3rd past. Stick with past, don't write in 3rd person present tense.

Your style has a heavy, ancient feel to it. It’s just right for WH40K. You have a talent for description, use it freely! Though, don't use it unnecessarily (ie "throats slit by some sort of knife" - what else do you slit a throat with?) This chapter is tight without a lot of fluff, which is the way it should be. There are a few minor grammar errors and punctuations, but no biggy there. Just go over it with a fine toothed comb.

You repeat yourself occasionally, and unless it’s a crucial point you want to make from two different characters, don't say the same thing twice, ever. Some of your word selection doesn’t fit with the gothic atmosphere of 40K, (ie. "Your Ride", "Let's Drive", " Die, Trash" are not words Space Marines should be using). Think older, deeper with your words and their syntax.

A thought; is that you need to make sure that everyone who isn’t a Space Marine is not automatically inferior simply because they are NOT Space Marine – give all you characters a fair chance.

Also, make them practical. Space Marine nothing if not efficient and practically-minded. Think what you would do in their situation, not what you want them to do. (ie, inside a chimera, why not just kneel or squat or sit down. Or forming a protective circle when they're debating what to do after they've landed, instead of standing around like a bunch of old ladies having a moan).

You give a little hints of their past, like the death of their comrades, which is excellent! It makes them more really to us, and it allows you an opportunity to go back and they us those stories, if you wish.

Personally, I'd delete the last sentence. It ends better with him telling Kallor just HOW it is.
the Reader chapter 4 . 9/21/2010
Nice update!
the Reader chapter 3 . 9/7/2010
Wow, this is really quite good. Thanks for sharing and keep up the great work!
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