|Reviews for Monster|
| Professor J. L. Nemo chapter 1 . 8/3/2011
| Matchet Hatchet chapter 1 . 8/2/2011
It was quite daring to have an OC as the narrator... But I do believe that you took the risk and it payed. Very, very good story.
| The Illegible chapter 1 . 8/2/2010
CHARACTERIZATION: It was a very daring move to put an OC in as a major character, and I give ya props for that. Daria intrigues me not as much exactly for being secretly attracted to Jonathan, but for being so flawed as a person. It makes her much, MUCH more interesting. The fact that she’s quick to condemn Jon as soulless now (after he’s beyond her reach), that his confidence was arrogance because it wasn’t her doing…it all points to a combination of jealousy and denial. Like, “If it had been someone quieter that could make him smile as he did when he looked at Sherry, she reckoned that things would have turned out a lot less violent,”—I strongly suspect Daria would’ve found issue with any girl, then pointing to advantages she sees in herself and how SHE wouldn’t have let this happen. And when she gets so furious that Sherry wore a skimpy outfit, that Jonathan did react to it, that they were going off together to (she assumed) do something sensuous …and that even before anything went wrong, Daria is already jumping to conclusions with statements like “she wasn't jealous, but Sherry didn't deserve him.” Great unreliable narrator. It’s true that Sherry did turn out to be using him yes, but I strongly question Daria’s ability to predict that and her ability to know everything that could have happened between Jon and Sherry. She’s /very/ determined to villainize her considering there doesn’t seem to be any personal reason for animosity. Added that by prom she’s still watching Jonathan closely, seems familiar with what expressions he does or doesn’t typically wear, can’t stand to see him heartbroken/betrayed over Sherry, goes out of her way to follow him after his “reconciliation”, actually KISSES Jon—on the cheek or not—and secretly watches him afterwards…it’s an unusual amount of attention given they don’t seem to interact much. She actually comes across as something of a stalker who won’t admit it, which is oodles of ironic fun. And I truly think Daria was more upset by the fact that Jonathan kissed dead!Sherry than that he was laughing at having killed someone. I’m very curious whether her eventual suicide and accusations of Jonathan being a monster can be accredited to his going Scarecrow or to his not noticing her. I’d even go so far as to say Daria might be a little bit crazy.
I don’t have a strong sense of Jonathan, Bo, or Sherry’s characters based on dialogue/concrete actions/body language…but at the same time, I’m almost inclined to think this comes from being a close third person narrative with Daria. Forgive me if I’m wrong, but it seems to me more that she as a character doesn’t fully understand them—makes a lot of sense given her obsession. Which in turn is a lot of fun because it's obsession-not love-with Jonathan. That she doesn’t actually know or attempt to know him in detail, that she's bothered to see him happy when she isn't the cause of it, that her reaction to his turn towards crime is to condemn him as a whole and commit suicide rather than reach out to him or move on...it suggests that she can’t reconcile the picture of him as she wishes he was with who he actually is. Jonathan isn’t just flawed/uninterested in Daria—he’s insane. He’s furious and emotionally crippled to the point that murder seems reasonable to him now. And whether due to guilt or because the subject of her pedestal fell so far, she can’t live with that. Any good she might have seen in him can no longer exist with the bad. Daria can’t imagine that there’s anything left in Jonathan worth saving (or if, indeed, there ever was anything to save) and the revelation destroys her. Feels like everything is colored by Daria’s distorted view of the world, which is very cool.
INCORPORATION OF CANON: Stuck very faithfully to Batman Annual #19, though I was a tad confused regarding the timing of certain events (namely the gap between Halloween and prom—got the impression that it was only a short while afterward, which makes sense for the murderous!rage but not for the stretch between October and June…could’ve been any school dance, I think).
MECHANICS: Some incorrect punctuation (“First and foremost she was worried, second, a very close second, she was scared” should be “First and foremost she was worried; second (a very close second) she was scared.”), some run-on sentences (“It was not hard to believe that the figure that now ran around gassing Gotham's citizens with fear gas actually consisted of a wooden-stick frame, stuffed haphazardly with straw; animated but dead and cold, with only one true intention; Scaring away the vermin that fed off of his land,” which also has a bit of odd capitalization with the upper case “Scaring”), some spelling errors (e.g. “fore-front” should be “forefront”, “moulding” should be “molding”, “dis-similar” should be “dissimilar”, etc.), a few grammatical mistakes (e.g. “but then he had never really hid it” should be “hidden”).
IMPACT: This entry made me think a bit after I read it, then think a bit more after analysis. I’m a little uncertain of where I sit though, because all my thinking is on Daria as a character rather than Jonathan, Sherry, or Bo.
STYLE/TONE: Some awkward phrasing and repetition (e.g. “Sat on the edge of her seat on her two-seater sofa”). Could get overly wordy and didn’t have much sentence length variation. It’s interesting because there are so many points where I can see a strong sense of repetition and emphasis that becomes lost in a run-on (e.g. “It was unfortunate that it had to be her, out of anyone in the whole school, why did it have to be her?” could be “It was unfortunate that it had to be her. Out of anyone in the whole school, why did it have to be her?” The separation allows emphasis on both the first point and how understated it appears—it’s just a pity, something mildly unpleasant, Then the second point arises and we realize it’s an unreliable narrator for the despair and honest lamentation attached to “why did it have to be her”). I think going back and editing mechanics (punctuation in particular) would help this piece really shine.
OVERALL: A bold, unique story from a new viewpoint with a fascinating narrator—for which I commend you immensely. OCs are tough, but Daria was exceptionally well executed. I think the canon characters could have been fleshed out more/had a bit more exploration through their speech patterns and body language. I also think going over mechanics a bit more would strengthen this piece. Overall "Monster" was a fun new look at canon events, and I had a good time reading it.
| Pierides chapter 1 . 7/24/2010
Characterization: Sherry and Bo and I’ll address together. How horrid. They were horrible to poor Jon and they deserved what they got. They were mean bullies and how canonally appropriate. Jon you made him wonderful! He was awkward, he was smooth, and he was the Master of Fear in the end. I absolutely enjoyed his character! Bravo! You hit all of them on the mark.
Daria was great splash of color. Her affection added the icing to the cake and made it delectable!
Incorporation of Canon: Nice keeping close to canon. You kept the party and then prom, but what you added was great. I liked the events being told from a third party, I believe it becomes more reliable that way. We are given a more accurate picture, even though her emotions may bias it a little bit.
Mechanics: Nothing was out of place. There were no misspelling and the sentence structure was great. Very creative, very appropriate, I never noticed an incident of too much information or information that was out of place.
IMPACT: Love makes you crazy sometimes. Look at it what it got Daria. The turmoil was such a ride. I feel her sadness, her anger, her confusion. It makes for such a poignant story.
STYLE/TONE: I love your style and your British words. Your style really captured the tone, which was regretful and reminiscing. We saw through Daria’s eyes and it never failed. Your tone laid her emotions bare and built and built until the end, the culmination of her frustration and grief where she threw herself to her death. You made this story yours, it wasn’t bland or boring. It was new and I could feel your own personality seep through the paragraphs.
OVERALL: What a different story. That you told it through another’s eyes instead of a canon character’s was very novel and genius. I was swept away in the conflict of emotions that Daria held and though I’m a little uncertain why she plunged to her death, I can surmise. She really cared for Jonathan and the weight of the sadness in the world finally suffocated her. It was wonderful and I’m wondering if Jon remembers her. Will her death affect him? You leave me with so many questions.
| BloomingFireHeart chapter 1 . 7/23/2010
That was the most touching story I have ever read on Jonathan Crane. Although he is a fictional character, I think it's safe to say that Crane represents how we feel about the criminal or in this case the villain. We pity the criminal once we understand the reasons as to why they choose this piticular life style. However many of us wouldn't pity the criminal too much because it was the criminals choice to be evil and allow his/her hatred to erupt. You show this concept in your short little story. I thank you greatly for this truthful and wonderful creation. Well done.
| highland girl 1592 chapter 1 . 7/20/2010
This was amazing and heartbreaking.
I knew that Daria must have been
in love with Jonathan and now he'll
never 've captured Daria's
conflicting emotions for Jonathan
much as I adore the
Scarecrow I would probably feel that
way for him,too.I love him but I would
hate what he does and what he became.
I would feel compassion for what he went
through growing up but I would be angry
(just a little)and horrified,at what he
did to that Sherri and Bo. I wouldn't jump
off an eighty story ledge though!lol.
I think that the reason Daria never turned
Jonathan into the police was because she loved
him and that she probably hoped that she might have a
chance with him he must have rejected
I close? For Daria to still carry a torch
for Jonathan after twenty years...her feelings for
him must be quite the fact that she obviously
has never married or even had a boyfriend.
I was thinking that if I had been in Daria's place
I would have run after Jonathan after Sherrie and
Bo had played that trick on he could do is
just say leave me alone,after would things
have turned out differently for Jonathan and Daria
if she had gone after him? Maybe you could write a
What If? one shot about that.:D I believe that Jonathan
would still get his revenge on those two,but he might
not have killed .
p. 've made a few mistakes in your story,though.
Remember Jonathan is an American and here we
call the 'bonnet' of the car 'the hood' and
the 'boot' a 'trunk',and a two seater sofa
is called a 'loveseat'.:)
This was a wonderful story for a first timer.
Keep on writing! Cheers! :D
| Scar211 chapter 1 . 7/9/2010
Your story sucks big time, why don't you give up writing while I will laugh in your face. At least my Batman story Knightmare is much betta than you're worthless story. Im far more surperior than u.
| 0HeartShapedBox0 chapter 1 . 7/8/2010
Wow, that was really good! I had always liked the Scarecrow's past, and I loved the way you wrote the whole Sherry stage. Well done :)