|Reviews for Mezcolanza|
| Schermionie chapter 1 . 10/21/2010
I'd like to apologise for the inexcusable lateness of this review. I've been on hiatus recently, which hasn't helped, but it should have been done a long time ago. I'm really sorry.
Anyway, as Ali has had to drop out, here is your last score for round one.
Remus and Tonks's problematic relationship always interests me, so I tend to enjoy reading about it. I liked how you created a rather fluffy situation for them but didn't gloss over their problems.
Your introductory paragraph was also very good. It told us a lot, but at the same time, it didn't overload us with information. You set the scene really well, and although it wasn't the most grabbing of first paragraphs, it didn't need to be - I think you struck just the right note.
I spotted thirteen or so errors, which I'll point out to you in case you want to correct them. Usually I would take half a mark, or perhaps a little more, off for them, but in consideration of English not being your first language, I've deducted only a quarter of a mark from your score.
'As he was marking the page he was just reading, Remus heard Dora scream.' - 'he was just' should be 'he had just been'.
''He had his wand in his hand, ready to curse whatever intruded their home.'' - 'whatever intruded' should be 'whatever had intruded'.
'One had supported her weight against the wall while her other hand clutched at her swollen stomach.' - By 'One had', did you mean 'One hand'? If yes, this is fine, though you might like to try the past continuous tense instead:
'One hand was supporting her weight against the wall while her other hand clutched at her swollen stomach.'
'Water squished inside his old shoes from where it'd sloshed over the sides of the tub.' - 'it'd' is a little sloppy, and generally I would avoid using it outside of speech: 'it had' is preferable in narrative.
'"My water just broke, Remus. Call my mum," she instructed, bending over and tightening her grip on Remus' arm.' - As far as I know, in these situations 'water' is actually 'waters'. 'water' sounded a bit odd, anyway...
'In his thirty-eight years of life, this was definitely the most scared he has ever been.' - 'has' should be 'had'.
'A wide smile contrasted now the tears in her eyes.' - 'contrasted' and 'now' need to be switched around.
'Her long, mousy brown hair laid messily around her tired face.' - 'laid' should be 'lay'.
'His eyes travelled through his chubby face over and over again, still not believing that the baby in arms was his baby.' - 'through' should be 'over' and 'baby in arms' should be 'baby in his arms'.
'"Ted John Lupin," he whispered aloud, but mostly to himself.' - This would probably be considered a difference of opinion so I didn't count it as an error, but personally I thought that this sentence didn't have the right effect. The way 'aloud' was directly after 'whispered' was just a little weak, and personally I would have gone for something like this:
'"Ted John Lupin," he whispered - aloud, but mostly to himself.'
But once again, I didn't count this. Just thought I'd mention it. :)
'"I can't believe I almost left- If something had happened to your mum or you, I-"' - A few errors with this.
If you cut something off mid-word, the dash needs to be directly next to it, as in '"I love y- Aaahh!"' - but if the word is complete, you need a space between it and the word before it. Also, the capital letter in 'If something' should be lower case because it's in the same sentence as 'I can't believe'. Unless, of course, you meant it to be a separate one, in which case it should be a full stop, or perhaps an ellipsis.
'"I can't believe I almost left. If something had happened to your mum or you, I -"'
'"I can't believe I almost left... If something had happened to your mum or you, I -"'
'"I can't believe I almost left - if something had happened to your mum or you, I -"'
'He closed his eyes, and he felt the tears burn behind his eyelids.' - The second 'he' is unnecessary and sounds a bit clunky; I'd suggest removing it.
''"All that is just water under the bridge, Remus," his mother-in-law said comfortingly, patting him on the back.' - According to tat's review, 'bridge' was originally 'fridge', so I'm counting that as an error.
And that's it for nitpicks. _
I was very impressed by all of your prompt uses. One of them (Tonks's eyes watering) I didn't even notice until my second read through, and all the others were well integrated, too. You responded to the challenge excellently.
The situation was also sweet, and I liked how Teddy's arrival bonded the family. However, I do feel that while the missing moments idea was an interesting approach, it limited you quite a bit. I completely agree with the other judges when they say that there was something lacking emotionally from this fic: it didn't feel as though we were taken along the same journey as the characters were, and that was a real shame because I think it affected the characterisations. I said that I was glad you didn't gloss over the problems of Tonks and Remus's relationship, but I'm not entirely convinced that the way you covered it was powerful enough.
Also, while the dialogue was not in any way stilted or unrealistic, there was something rather cliché about it... and all told, I've taken one mark off for my criticisms.
Which leaves you with a score of 3 and 3 quarters, but we're not giving out quarter or half marks - and so, I round your score up to 4/5. Well done! :)
| Screaming Faeries chapter 1 . 9/12/2010
Wow, interesting. Very dramatic and realistic too, good work.
| iMissHP chapter 5 . 9/7/2010
5/5 It's a very well written story. You managed Marietta's POV very well, and to be honest, I was wishing someone would write about her. You gave her motives, and hesitation; it's natural and believable. Also, I like the details, like her encounter with Peeves. Your story really feels complete and it's an interesting POV you have. Amazing job, I loved it!
| yellow 14 chapter 5 . 8/27/2010
Serves her damn well right. Very nice chapter, very insightful. Keep updating and go Hufflepuff!
| iMissHP chapter 4 . 8/18/2010
5/5 I simply adore your fic. The first meeting is awesome as are all the others. I truly like how you kept it canon. And I love the lyrics you choose and how they fit the story. I like how there is no one to blame, how is all natural. You did a great job with them, it's good to see you working on longer piece for the Comp :) Great job! I loved it!
| yellow 14 chapter 4 . 8/18/2010
Very cute, very nice use of the prompt. Keep updating and of course go Hufflepuff!
| DoubleCaramel chapter 4 . 8/16/2010
Aw, this is truly adorable. Poor Percy - his first kiss was certainly something he'll never forget. _~ Overall I think the one-shot it sweet, the characters are quite IC and it all suits the lyrics perfectly. Well done! _
| iMissHP chapter 3 . 8/9/2010
4/5 It's a very sweet fic, I liked it. Daphne characterisation is a little on and off; she isn't constant in the fic. She's nervous and not really 'bold' in the first part, but then she's straightforward. I have to admit I adore Daphne in the second part, when she admits Blaise he isn't her first choice. I also love you didn't fall into romance straight away, but you build it slowly, giving us just some hints. Great job!
| yellow 14 chapter 3 . 8/2/2010
Really sweet and insightful. The chemistry between them is dead on. Keep updating and go Hufflepuff
| Rising From The Flames chapter 1 . 7/30/2010
That was really sweet. Great job!
| Static Lull chapter 2 . 7/26/2010
OH EM GEE.
I wasn't sure i would like this - - Hufflepuff gen isn't really my thing, you'll have to forgive me - - but this was so ADORABLE.
Maybe I'm just in a good mood, but you've done abosultely fantastic job of capturing what a Hufflepuff is, personality-wise. Especially with Ernie. Though you managed Hannah's meltdown fabulously.
And I'll admit I lol'd a bit.
Wonderful, wonderful job.
| delete-the-girl chapter 2 . 7/23/2010
This was a cute fic. I loved Madam Pomfrey's roll, she was hilarious. There were a couple of places where it was a bit hard to follow, but otherwise a very nice fic. I give you a 4/5.
| Static Lull chapter 1 . 7/20/2010
This was very cute and a little bittersweet.
I'm glad you took the time to write out Teddy's birth, and you've done such a lovely job with it.
You incorporated your prompts nicely, too.
My only complaint is that the whole thing seems to go by rather quickly, but with the word limit and time constraint, I understand why adding more detail might be difficult.
Good job. :DD
| iMissHP chapter 2 . 7/17/2010
5/5 It's a lovely and sweet fic! And Madam Pomfrey is hilarious! I loved it, it's easy and pleasant to read, and I like the moment you choose to write about. It's a very effective piece, great job!
| yellow 14 chapter 2 . 7/14/2010
Insightful and sweet. Keep updating and go Hufflepuff