|Reviews for March Out of the Darkness|
| Mirage chapter 2 . 2/23/2013
Chapter 2 and I already feel the need to review. That means I will not review the plot but your writing technique. Do not misunderstand me, I'm not offering critic for critics sake. I'm offering to help you improve your writing. A great plot deserves to be well-written.
You begin the story by stating that we all know what happened in the books prior to DH. Yet you feel the need to give a short summary on everything that happened. Why? I can see only one reason for that and that would be to push your word count.
If that's the case then please don't do that because it's really just a cheap card player trick.
Also, your choice of words makes me wonder. Harry considers Dobby to be his friend. An elf and yes he is weird. Even by house elf standards. But he's not deranged.
Or "The following year marked the first death that hit Harry hard." What about the murder of his parents? Yes, he doesn't remember much of them but shouldn't their death not be even harder than the death of his fellow student Cedric Diggory?
That's just two examples of awkward descriptions but there are more in the text.
At the end of book 6 we already learn that Harry has no wish to go back to Hogwarts. And that Hermione and Ron will go with him to find the Horcuxes.
So why is Harry now sitting in the train to Hogwarts, going back to school? That's a point that should be explained in the first or second chapter, not what happened in the previous books. Without an early explanation of this fact I keep wondering and cannot be drawn into the story.
We do know that your story will mainly deal with Harry and Severus. That much is clear from your summary.
So why do keep talking of young man and lanky hook-nosed man? It's odd. It comes over as if you try to add some mysterious flavour, trying to make us guess who those two could be. But we already know who they are. So why do you insist on using descriptions of the men instead of just calling them by their names?
If someone uses a "tremendous" amount of weight I cannot help but assume that they must have been very fat to begin with. Severus Snape wasn't. Tall, yes. Lanky, yes. Sallow, hook-nosed, greasy-haired, yes. But not fat. The books and movies are clear on that.
So again, odd choice of words.
Back to Harry, you write that he goes back to Hogwarts to kill Severus. And then? Is he really so consumed by his rage or so stupid to not understand what must have happened? That if Severus Snape is headmaster, then someone from the ministry must have installed him in this position. An assumed murderer. Meaning, that the ministry is already under the thumb of Voldemort.
So, what must happen if Harry harms or kills Snape? Right, he will be captured and thrown into Azkaban. Maybe he can run and escape for a while, but his hunt for the Horcruxes won't become any easier.
And didn't Dumbledore say that nothing would be as important as finding the Horcruxes?
You just began this story and it already holds more questions than answers.
I haven't finished the story yet, as I said, I'm still in chapter 2. So the plot might be really really good. I don't now yet. But as I said, your writing technique isn't. And it causes an urge to hit the back button. Which would be a shame.
If you feel the need to twist or neglect the facts we already know from cannon, then you should give plausible explanations for this as soon as possible. At the beginning of the story. And not waste your and the reader's time by rehashing book 1 to 6.
| Alifromnm chapter 19 . 2/4/2013
Thank you for the wonderful read. I thought I had read all your stories, but somehow this one slipped by me.
| YeCatsJ chapter 19 . 11/27/2011
| Sgladiate chapter 7 . 8/22/2011
Hi, the story is really good so far :) I only got to chapter 8, last night or today early morning which resulted with me having a sad Snape related dream, which was cool I mean I don't mind any Harry Potter dreams, I mean who would unless you have a Voldemort one which I did few weeks ago... I'm rambling now so just keep it up, as you've managed to capture the characters really well and your writing style is brilliant too :)
| excessivelyperky chapter 19 . 8/10/2011
Nice ending! I like the implication that the Headmaster is married with at least one child; he needs a family that's _his_.
| excessivelyperky chapter 18 . 8/10/2011
And how very special Lily is-of course she never _told_ Snape that it wasn't his fault she dumped him and married his tormentor. Not when it would do any good. I wonder who told her what fate awaited Snape? Albus, maybe?
Yes, there was a question of her love for him. It was nonexistent. At least she could have been honest enough to admit it.
| excessivelyperky chapter 17 . 8/10/2011
Ah, so that's what happened to the other Horcruxes.
And to Harry.
Pity that Snape won't see anything like a triumph. Harry is always rescued, and Snape never is (except in fanfiction).
| excessivelyperky chapter 16 . 8/10/2011
"He killed the Carrows. It's just a matter of time before he gets to us next.
-Silly students, why aren't they throwing a party? Did they _like_ the Carrows?
But as ever, they are panicking (and so are most of the teachers).
| excessivelyperky chapter 15 . 8/10/2011
Carrow definitely got what he deserved.
And his sister? Well, Bella simply enjoys playing with her food.
| excessivelyperky chapter 14 . 8/10/2011
Cute trick with the ink! And Luna is definitely on to which side Snape is on.
So is Carrow, I'm afraid.
| excessivelyperky chapter 13 . 8/10/2011
Good letters-but I wished that Harry had also written Moody, and a few other of the adults in the Order (though with any luck, Remus will bring them along to properly celebrate Halloween and all that). But Harry should have told them about the Carrow detentions for students instead-nobody in the Order is going to care what happens to a Slytherin like Sinistra.
| excessivelyperky chapter 12 . 8/10/2011
I wished Aurora was as good at hexing the Carrows as she is at hexing Snape in your other stories-but her injuries are enough to get the Headmaster ready to wipe them both out.
Here's hoping Harry doesn't die for real; he's the only one who can possibly testify that Snape really is the side of Light.
| excessivelyperky chapter 11 . 8/10/2011
Ah, yes, Halloween. I'm very surprised that the Carrows haven't decided to tell Snake-Face that Snape is getting soft and bouncing them around more than he ought to.
But then, I expect Snape will teach both Carrows the true meaning of Trick or Treat.
| excessivelyperky chapter 10 . 8/10/2011
"Cause Harry would kill ya uncle the second he'd see 'im."
Harry scoffed before kicking a rock. It was rather funny that everyone thought that.
-Yeah, can't imagine why.
Flitwick is close to guessing what's really going on, I think. Unfortunately, the Carrows may be able to figure it out, too.
| excessivelyperky chapter 9 . 8/10/2011
His current action was similar to that of when Goliath walked into the lions' den.
-I think you mean 'Daniel' here.
Snape is really giving himself away to Hagrid, who tends to talk. A lot. And I'm surprised he even thinks he might survive this war, actually.
I wonder what he'll do with the Carrows, though.