Reviews for Orion At Your Service
TheLittleBlueFrog chapter 4 . 1/23/2014
Cuddly chapter 4 . 9/23/2013
Your Orion portrayal was interesting...but I bet you where not prepared for the Orion we all received 3

Nice work!
Lord Xantos A. Fowl chapter 1 . 9/1/2010
i'll tell u what meh means if you turn on private messageing on
Lord Xantos A. Fowl chapter 4 . 8/31/2010

not bad but meh
xybolic chapter 4 . 8/4/2010
'Holly begin her description. She described in detail how she grabbed his arm the second time she stopped him looking at him. She indicated that was when he changed to the Orion personality.'

This. This should be expanded. It gives off the sense that you are being lazy.

Hmm... *muses* Holly sounds like a schoolgirl who's feeling shy and embarrassed about telling her encounter with her crush to her best friend even though deep inside she seriously wants to say everything and squeal. Instead she tries to cover this up by her temper. Yeahhhh. -_- And that is not good.

How Holly told Foally those stuff should NOT be narrated. They should be spoken and then you narrate Foaly's reaction.

I have to be honest. Your Orion is a git. I found him actually lovable and adorable in the waterstone vid, but your depiction of him didn't get any love from me. *sigh* I'm sorry. And some actions from even Holly and Foaly are a bit OOC. So yeah.

Okay. Done now. I'm off to read the other entries because voting is now open and I should get to know all before sending my vote to Kit.
xybolic chapter 3 . 8/4/2010
The third paragraph is most confusing. -_-

Like I said, separate. Artemis's own dialogue should be separated from Holly's. And there are instances that his thoughts should be too.

I feel that... Orion's a bit... I dunno, kind of OOC?

Hmm. I think that you should've kept these into one or two chapters. It felt a bit dragged out, frankly. Nothing much happened. *shrugs*
xybolic chapter 2 . 8/4/2010
Ah... the separation (or lack thereof) of paragraphs is making it hard for readers to read. You need to work on that. Because having three alternating dialogues from Holly and Foaly all in one paragraph is a tad confusing.

And again, punctuations.

The action from the last chapter and some narration here are nice. But to be honest, the dialogues are a bit awkward. Maybe the contractions or some phrasings. I dunno... they seem wrong somehow. Probably because in some lines, you try to explain too much?
xybolic chapter 1 . 8/4/2010
Constructive criticisms!

Thoughts need not to be in a quotation if italicised; commas after a dialogue are supposed to IN the quotation; and a dialogue ending in an exclamation point shouldn't have a full stop after it.

Hmm. for some reason, I don't think that's the right reaction for Holly. In the end, I mean. I think it's too much. Maybe a bit confused, or something. But so shocked she's speechless? i don't think so.

Not bad. Good, actually, but you have a problem with punctuations especially when dialogues are involved and slightly with separating paragraphs. But your narrative is great. ;D
AsumaKun9 chapter 3 . 7/23/2010
lol well I certainly enjoyed this. Nice job.
Ru-Doragon chapter 4 . 7/19/2010
-goes back to check word count- Hey! You JUST made it! Congrats on that! -grins- Still kinda weird and freaky, and the grammer and the keeping them IC could use some work, but it's mostly pretty damn good. o.O I'm hungry now. -looks at clock and scowls- It's 6:22 a.m. -pauses- I sleep, then get up and write mine...I have till 8:30 tonight to write and post my entry. -blinks, still in somewhat of a daze- Hey, have you seen the movie Inception? Great movie...-stares at review- Yeah. I'm totally out of it right now...mostly anyway. Good job. _

...Bed time now...-sleeps-
Ann Incorporated chapter 4 . 7/18/2010
Interesting, interesting... Artemis didn't actually confess while in mid-rant! Better of the last few chapters! Though the ending was kind of bland... No offense

*AI :)
Kitsune Heart chapter 4 . 7/18/2010

Er...the end.

And interesting look at the confession idea. Getting it out there, yet leaving it hanging. I doubt Artemis is going to be lucid in Haven, but that's Colfer's decision, and this one is yours.

Much better with the description. Just one big thing: whenever a new character is speaking, you need a new paragraph. It's just the rules of grammar. Otherwise, grammar is good in here.
Indochine chapter 4 . 7/18/2010
Amazing story. It could happen you know. Wonderfully written! Well I loved it!

Thank you for this story! :) Now we've got to wait for the release of the book!
Ann Incorporated chapter 3 . 7/17/2010
Woah! Rather odd that he falls unconsious like that... It is really good so far! I like it! I just don't think it's a good idea to keep it going longer. You're already up at least 4 chpters. Oh well. Update soon, pleese

*AI :)
Kitsune Heart chapter 3 . 7/17/2010
Oh, dear. It keeps expanding...

Heh...I was totally expecting Orion to defy her and begin the make-out sessions to end all make-out sessions...
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