|Reviews for Star Ocean: The Untold Epic|
| Dragonfly-Moonlight chapter 1 . 2/14/2012
No reviews so far.
I'm finding that you're doing some rather unnecessary writing. For example:
He seemed to be a ranking official, with a beige military uniform and hat on. The colorful badges signified that he had the rank 'Corporal'.
If the person is actually a Corporal, just say that the person is wearing a beige uniform with the colorful badges that signified he was a Corporal. He seemed to be a ranking official is very unnecessary and bogs the story down.
Also, from your story:
they were both males in their late teens. Both seemed to be about nineteen years of age.
Late teens or about nineteen years of age - one of these is unnecessary. It sounds very wishy-washy to write like that.
Another issue is with tense. You first started to write in past tense "It was dark and quiet in the room" and then bounced to this: Eric Maverick and Thomas Kenny, descendants of the great Maverick and Kenny families, synonymous with the very name of space exploration. Their very names carry greatness, but these two kids are just two normal teens. Eric is a bit of a bum but Thomas is very much the hard worker. Both boys are full of potential, but both are a bit rebellious and love to piss off their parents. As a result they never achieve their full potential.
I take issue with the bouncing between tenses, unless it's in dialogue.
Pairing-wise, I don't dig Fayt/Maria. It doesn't make sense to me so anything remotely romantic in this story is something I'll ignore.
One other thing: If Reimi marries someone other than Edge, how does she have a descendant with the last name of Saionji? Reimi strikes me as the type who would take on the last name of the man she marries so have a x-number great-granddaughter with the same last name makes no sense to me.
Overall, this could be an intriguing set of one-shots, but you don't really have it set up that way. Seems more like a chaptered piece with how this chapter has ended. I'd recommend with anything you haven't posted yet that you wait a week or even a month, read over what you've written, and make any and all necessary changes. Once you've done that, wait a few more days, read it again, and then post if it's to your liking. The flow of this story could be a lot better.
Premise is interesting. I give you props for that.