|Reviews for Binary Star|
| WordTree chapter 1 . 9/6/2010
Holy shit this is beautiful.
I love how you managed to convey their love, their adoration and all of the awkwardness between them in such a realistic way! No OOC weirdness, nothing easy or simple... but still just Shepard and Garrus, the way it ought to be.
Thanks for a great fic. :)
| justsomebody2 chapter 1 . 9/3/2010
I think I saw this on another site, I could never mistake this style, and I see you've improved the writing even more. The extra input definitely helps. Don't think I can add anything constructive. I do think you kept in-character (for this version of paragon-ed Garrus anyway).
Oh, and I love the title, it suits them. I hope you keep writing.
| euphorbic chapter 1 . 8/19/2010
Punctuation is really an issue and was one of my worst problems until college composition. I had a great substitute professor help me figure out the same woes you're having with : ; and .
Full stop .
Hard stop :
Soft stop ,
You can sometimes use ; in place of 'and'.
I think I've told you before that punctuation and grammar are the least of anyone's worries. Storytelling ability is the most important, and that you have. The run on sentences do make things hard to understand, but that will get worked out.
Matters of style: "She stepped out of the shower, grabbed a towel, dried herself thoroughly, picked her comb, [and] neatly combed her hair." Normally, it reads better when a list of actions or description are kept to three. (I break this rule constantly because I lack self-control.) You can get away with a longer list, but you'll need an 'and' right before the last list item.
"Take apart, maintain, research, test, upgrade, retest, take to battle; shoot to kill." This long list works because you used ; in place of 'and'. It also works because the length of the list gives a feeling of the exhaustive effort to get an edge in battle.
Grammar and punctuation aside, the interactions feel good and awkward; just as you intended. I can't speak to IC or OC, since I haven't played Mass Effect. I like the set-up you are doing. Without MORE though, I'm not sure just how good things are going! (laugh) So far, it is very realistic, and I love that. You are thinking physical, emotional, and social things through which is very promising.
So far, so good. Now... make a few mechanical tweaks (the punctuation mentioned) and UPDATE.
| meelo chapter 1 . 7/28/2010
Intelligently written, sad and satisfying at the same time. I want to read more from you! Please keep writing.
| Ms Morpheus chapter 1 . 7/18/2010
Wonderful! Well-written, very thoughtful, achingly bittersweet. I hope you write more :)