|Reviews for Gunpowder and Lead|
| f.m. kit kat chapter 1 . 6/28/2011
This was sweet! I LOVED how you wrote kallen! I think it's right on with her character, especially the wildcat behavior. Amazing job!
| natinator chapter 1 . 7/25/2010
This is very good. I wouldn't be surprised if someone made Kallen Facts.
| Tower of Babel chapter 1 . 7/20/2010
Well, I read your story, and here are my thoughts:
One essential piece of advice I'd like to offer you is try to work on storyline placement and continuity between seasons R1 & R2.
For example, instead of just saying this story takes place at such and such a time, (you didn't, but most people do), give details of prior events and describe character clothing. You didn't. One detail of a character can trigger storyline placement.
I get the sense you rushed the story to tell it. Never do this. Even I have to step back and think things through. Many times I think I've written a beautiful piece of work and then trash it because it didn't fit into the flow of the story.
Also, take time to flesh out a character's state of mind. Kallen is one of the echelon of the Black Knight's, but she's still human and gets scared like everyone else. Just don't mask over a scene about a prisoner in a cell. Do a little Hannibal Lecter analysis. How is Kallen sitting, her clothes (how did she get the dress, why was she given the dress; Nunnally gave it to her, but why?). She wants to be with Lelouch, you said. I sensed a little love/affection for him in the way you described her need to be at his side. Readers love this stuff. Go with it. Show more. With flashbacks, observations of Zero, etc.
Also, Suzaku in R2 is a Knight of the Round and wears regal clothing with a cloak. You failed to mention his status and his underline reason for getting answers; also, why he stopped with the Refrain. I know the reason, but you didn't explain it.
With body language or clothes you can show a lot. You can describe a movement of Suzaku's cloak or an adjustment of his vest to give time placement in the story, or his mood; show tension, anger, etc.
Also, via a small description like, "...trapped in a glass prison, isolated like a rat in a cage, her need to escape eclipsed her natural fear. The Knight of the Rounds HQ was like a stronghold few prisoners came out alive according to military reports..." With location and details like this, you can ease reader confusion of placement and add suspense at the same time. I know where she is, but explaining a bit more to other readers would be better.
Furthermore, how was Kallen captured, who captured her, and how did she get in the cell would be great add-ons. The last one would be artistic license, seeing not even the series told this detail. Using some imagination.
With further reading, I noticed you described a scene already in an episode, and incorrectly, mind you. Suzaku was never rendered unconscious by Kallen's attacks. Furthermore, she never escaped like you described.
Remember in a later episode Gino visits her with Suzaku's photo album and asks her where he might be. He wanted to get her thoughts on Suzaku's present state of mind. Nunnally also visits her.
I'd suggest you rework the story as a dream sequence. I can't see it working any other way.
As for sentence structure and grammar, I notice you like to insert incoherent sentences to describe metaphors (like, as). One example is how you describe the smell of tension Kallen expresses when Suzaku enters the room where her cell is located. At this part of the story, you tell the reader what to experience. This is bad story telling. The reader will start to get annoyed if you tell them what to do, how to see things and how to feel.
There are simpler ways to show tension as well, and you had it nearly right your first two words: "Kallen tensed..." Now, describe why. Describe Suzaku's expression, how he's walking, what's he carrying, etc. The box with the Refrain needle seemed to come out of nowhere.
But for the majority of the story, your telling/showing of it, was excellent. You show a lot of action. I would've liked to read some inner dialogue from Kallen, but not everyone likes that.
(FYI: What you described didn't happen and doesn't fit into the continuity of the storyline.)
But don't get discouraged. Sometimes even the best writers make continuity errors.
In my -Man story: "The Naked Exorcist", I had Allen and LenaLee meet up with Jasdavi long before the Arc. While, according to the storyline, this never happened. And I thought I had a good story; I thought it worked. I read the rest of the manga and thought I had wiggle room, like a paradox, like most sci-fi stories do. But some people can't get past what's established, like a straight line. They think that's all there is. Well, that's never the truth. There's always room for more stories.
So, no worries. I had to watch the complete series of Code Geass twice before attempting a story. The trick is to find time gaps. There's a one year time gap from when Lelouch was captured until his memory was restored by C2. During that year, there's lots to play with. This is where my Suzaku Duology takes place.
8/10 for effort.
| ErifStarTK chapter 1 . 7/19/2010
WOOT! Kallen fans unite!:D
Loved your autor's note in the beginning, and loved he story. Kallen badassess for the win, XD
Great job with this, and I hope to see more,