|Reviews for A Second Chance|
| Thugs Bunny 009 chapter 1 . 3/12
Oh lordy, lordy, lordy, lordy. This is one seriously poor start to a fic, man.
Not only did you fall for such an amateurish mistake, info-dumping Naruko's entire life without giving her any semblance of an identify, you went on to throw even more boring ass explanations at us, the readers, using Naruto as Mr Exposition. Not a good idea. He's more direct, blunt and doesn't mince his words. He hasn't got the patience for drawled out, detailed explanations.
To be fair, I could have overlooked the intelligent Naruto if you had given him any other peculiarities possessed by the original Naruto so I could identify him with the one from the Naruto-verse: Kishimoto's Naruto.
*He was a bit taller standing at 6' 3" and while he had the same color and style hair as well as the same blue eyes they noticed his eyes had slits in them. He was dressed in black steel-toed boots, black shinobi pants, a loose fitting dark red shirt and a cloak just like the Yondaime's except white with red flames it was black with red flames and had a picture of a ten-tailed golden kitsune on the back as well.*
Wow. *mock-applause* Photocopying the stereotypical cardboard cutout Naruto, complete with an overly long jacket akin to the Fourth's just to add the icing on the bland cake. Beautiful.
I'm going to estimate that you identified yourself with Naruto, but hated the real one (the one made by Kishimoto) and, from reading another poorly written story, decided to take Naruto, strip him of every single feature, idiosyncrasies and all, to make him the badass you've always wanted him to be, amateurishly disregarding that without any humanized flaws, your 'Naruto' becomes a one-dimensional Gary-stu.
Granted, canon Naruto is annoying as hell, especially with his high regard of Obito-bitch, but this is the beauty of fanfiction. We don't have to drain every single piece of colourful characteristic from him to the point where he's a lifeless shell from his former-self, fuck no. We can just accentuate his positive traits while diminishing his flaws, like his stupidity, to almost zero. He does have potential to be a quick-witted wisecracker.
Shoot. I modelled my Naruko, who's one of the three main characters next to Kagome and Inuyasha in my Inuyasha/Naruto fic, into a smack-talking, satirical, feisty and saucy tsundere. With so much character given to her the readers can feel how lively she is every time they read a piece of dialogue of hers, to the point they just know it's her speaking without even looking at the arbitrary "said Naruko."
Look at Ozzallos. Okay, his Naruto was till dumber than bricks in his one Ranma 1/2/Naruto crossover story, but Naruto isn't who he specializes in. He specializes in Ranma fics, ingeniously turning her into a badass without shredding every single characteristic off of her to where she's more of an OC than the actual character Ranma.
In fact - *Your Shallow characters fail. Believe it or not, not everybody has read your favorite series. I KNOW! It's tough to swallow, but it's true. Take a moment to tell us a bit about their appearance. Detail their mannerisms though story telling. Sure, you can assume that if they're reading in a certain section they probably have at least basic knowledge of the series, but frankly that's a poor excuse not to embellish your characters with detail and depth. Sure, everybody knows who Optimus Prime is (did I just use him as an example? Yeck), but your story will fail less if you paint him in color instead of black and white.*
*3) Your Characterizations fail. Didn't we already visit this one? No, we did not. Characters are the lifeblood of your fic, and since your plots are obviously bleeding out, let me impart a bit of wisdom concerning them. KNOW YOUR GODDAMN CAST. Simply doing so is what will set you apart from your failing brethern, giving your fic an ever so slight chance to win. Canon will tell you everything you need to know about them: Their likes, dislikes, general disposition and best of all- repeat after me kids -how they will react to any situation you write them into. Not only does an authentically written character lend credibility to your story, knowing how they will react in regards to canon is solid fanfic gold for your readers. Even when you OC the hell out of the cast, this rule is vital just so you have a baseline, since you will at least know what you're doing to a given character when you take the mary sue torch to their ass. Building realistic characters also requires a grasp of Rule #11... Good character behaviour plus cause and effect go hand in hand- to the point where the story plot points will all but write themselves because you did your job as an author.*
Those are two descriptions I got from Ozzallos' profile. It fits for the context of this review. Your story fails because the characterization lacks any semblance of depth to it. It can literally be summarized as -
God Naruto waltzes into Konoha, proceeds to take everyone but Sasuke on the exposition boat, and gains admirers. End of chapter. *Dust off hands.* Dull. Very dull. Because you're not interested in detailing any of the characters' distinctive traits, it reads very blandly.
Oh. And I just love how you made Mikoto the head of the Uchiha clan and gave her knowledge of the Sharingan she most likely never had, if canon's any indication, as well as making Kushina an S-ranked ninja even know there was never any hint that she was ever that dangerous. (Note the heavy sarcasm)
This story's juvenile. It's just giving Naruto a whole heap of power and ladies just so you, the author, can insert yourself onto Naruto. *I smh.* Massive harems leave no impact on anyone if the girls in the harem don't have any distinguishing features to connect to Naruto with. Relationships are at their best when the characters in question have colourful personalities that work seamlessly off of each other.
Obviously, your intention wasn't to write a good story with strong, lively characters, but just one where your Naruto can screw a bunch of robots.
Hey, those are fun for the blind-haters, I guess.
All the more power to ya.
*10) Your Alterverse fails. What do you get when you strip your main character of his canon personality, kill off all the supporting cast and send him off into another crossover series? You get one big bucket of suck. Any story where you can replace the main character with the name "Ed" and not know the difference automatically fails nine times out of ten. Do yourself a favor and assume you aren't that tenth time. Why did you even bother choosing that character and series to begin with if you were just going to piss all over the story and abandon it next chapter? Ha ha ha! Ranma doesn't have a curse, lost all his memories to the neko-ken and has been training with Bruce Lee in the cyber-wars of 2010! O.o' Of course that's ridiculous sounding, but its amazing how many aspiring authors totally divorce the characters from their original canon so completely. The sooner you accept the fact that you should scrub these fics from your hard drive with a brillo pad, the better.*
Last rule for the road.
| Guest chapter 2 . 1/5
Hello, I would like to start by saying I am a huge fan of some of your stories, but the reason I am reviewing now is because I only recently came to this site and I have noticed you have not updated in over 4 years. I am hoping you will update soon so I can read more of these stories.
| Chrisfragger chapter 1 . 9/8/2014
Do most Naruto fanfic writers just not know how to write? Is that why they almost without fail turn their stories into lemon filled harems? Can no one just write a riveting story filled with action? Why does it always have to be "Every girl that lays eyes upon Naruto must instantly and permanently fall in lust with him?"
It's just a sign that the writer cannot write a story without a crutch.
| xiresilver chapter 2 . 6/17/2014
I like it and i hope you make the next one soon
cause four years is too long.
| Guest chapter 2 . 5/9/2014
It is a pity you haven't updated this in years I for one would love to read more of this if it ever updated.
| Matsu chapter 1 . 5/9/2014
Just for reference Hinata from the Anime/Manga would never do that its not built into her character to betray Naruto even if he didn't love her back.
| Guest chapter 2 . 11/12/2013
| TimberlineWolf chapter 2 . 8/6/2013
hello? are you alive? are you going to continue this, or mabey put it up for adoption?
| hellfire45 chapter 2 . 8/2/2013
Good make more chapters
| Guest chapter 2 . 5/15/2013
| StrongGuy159 chapter 2 . 3/16/2013
Cool 2 chapters continue please.
| Guest chapter 2 . 2/14/2013
when are going to update this story
| Lissensjoeri chapter 2 . 12/4/2012
please continiu this story i love it so far.
but i wonder how will be in his harem.
| mohahassan3 chapter 2 . 10/20/2012
How many bloodlines dose naruto have
| Guest chapter 2 . 10/3/2012
this is so awesome even though it's only the second chapter please write more