|Reviews for Consequences|
| JonWilhoit chapter 4 . 3/16/2011
Great start to this one! I'm intrigued. I haven't read any of your other "Burn" fics, but I like him already. You do a great job with the banter among the members of his runner team. I like them already. Oh, and the bit about the RFID badge was a great idea. Wish I'da thought of it. ;)
I do have three items of criticism, though (since you said in your profile that's what you want...)
1) I have to wonder... Burn seems to have been around the block a time or two. How come alarm bells didn't go off when he heard that some Johnson was ready to drop 20 G's on what amounts to a charity run? I mean, saving little ork kids from nasty slavers is nice and all, but there's not much money to be made off it. I see where you're going with it, but let's look at it logically. The Johnson screams corporate. Or at least some sort of businessman. So why would he care about some barrens rats being shipped off to Shanghai or wherever? And why would he want to spend so much cred trying to free them? Even if Burn isn’t the smartest guy in the world, life in the shadows breeds paranoia. And even if you don’t delve deeply, these questions at least deserve some lip service.
2) Like the previous reviewer said, the interactions with the other runners seem somewhat stilted and wooden. I think that’s because you didn’t have a clear-cut idea of their personalities before you started writing or how those personalities would mesh. At least, that’s the way it seems from the outside looking in. I also think part of the problem is that you have so many personalities in a short piece. You obviously know the primary runners in Burn’s team. What if you incorporated them in this run? Or made it something of a milk run, something Burn can do on his own or with another partner—some sort of fodder for “grist mill o’ consequences. Just my two cents.
3) The runners hardly ask any questions at the meet. This one kind of connects with both items 1 and 2, but shouldn’t they ask a few more questions about the run? I dunno, like who’s behind it, how they’re snatching kids, when the shipments come and go, what type of muscle is on hand, security to consider, magical considerations… There are a whole host of things I would ask if I were in their position (or rather, if I was playing their characters in a game of SR :P). You might consider fleshing that out a little more.
I hope that helps a bit. Sorry if I came off harsh, but those were some of the questions I had upon reading it. That said, I really did enjoy it. It reads quickly and fluently. I was honestly disappointed when I saw that chapter 4 wasn’t the end of the tale and that it was still unfinished.
So damn it, what are you waiting for? Get to writing so I can find out what happens to Burn!
| Makwa chapter 1 . 10/15/2010
Like it so far. Its not a mysterious thriller, but simple and to the point, with some twists. Like the characters, they come across well. The only thing that felt awkward was in chapter 4, when some of the runners were describing their abilities. It makes sense they would discuss their specialties, so I'm not sure what advice to offer to make the dialogue come off more natural. Though let me note, not all of it came off that way, like Burn's; nor were the other characters dialogue all completely bad, just phrases here and there. Well that's my two cents for now, hope you finish this.