|Reviews for To Ask To Dance|
| EpicWriterrrr-TT.TT chapter 1 . 5/12/2012
Soo CUTE! Love it SO much 3
I'm A big fan oj JiroxKluke AndropovxKluke, and this one just rocked my world .
| HawkFrost21 chapter 1 . 7/16/2011
Tsk tsk tsk
Great story by the way, I laughed my heart out
| Dickx chapter 1 . 9/1/2010
So you need a good critique before you have a remake, eh? Well I'll see what I can do to help :)
- First, there's a minor spelling error "apon the flashing lights"
. Upon is spelt with a "u" rather than an "a"
- You can't really "gaze upon the blaring music"
. You could put "gaze upon the blaring speakers"
- "... and I was enjoying every minute of it"
. The conjunciton at the beginning of that phrase was... the wrong one. Instead, try "...the over-eating I had done, but I was enjoying every minute of it."
- The word "dancing" is overused so far from what I've read. Still looking for a solution for that one.
- Here's a phrase that could go through a change:
"Zola had gone and danced with Jibral to a fast pace song"
. "Both Zola and the king went off to sway to a fast pace song"
(Unsure about that, but oh well... It's your choice whether you come up with your own phrase or if you choose to use mine.)
- "I? I was sitting on the bench at the sides, watching people dancing."
. (I is not really necessary for the first "sentence") "Me?" I was sitting on a bench leaning against the sides, watching everyone dance."
- "She began to get into conversation with Shu and Kluke and I just stared at them blankly"
. She was immediately wrapped in a new conversation with Shu and Kluke while I just stared at them blankly."
- "I yawned and watched as Kluke smiled when Melody and Shu danced."
. Honestly, the word "yawned" is pretty overused. You don't really have to type "I watched" for it's all in Jiro's P.O.V. When it's in first person, you're pretty much describing everything this person sees. So saying "Kluke smiled as Melody and Shu swayed to a slow dance" is the same as "I watched as Kluke smiled when Melody and Shu danced" just phrased differetnly.
- "I couldn't remember the stupid band's name. And I really didn't care at the time."
. Both are "sentence fragments". You can combine them like this: "I couldn't remember the stupid band's name and I really didn't care at that moment"
- Alright, all the starting words of each aligned stanza (paragraph whatever) consist of these:
Now most people (like myself) consider this to be... sloppy. One of the "I"'s you can change is located in this sentence: "I switched my attention to Kluke"
. "My attention switched to Kluke"
- "It also occered to me"
. "occured", dear.
- "I really didn't want to miss my chance. But, as I went to move to ask her, I stopped"
. "This was one chance I really didn't want to miss, but as I made my way over to her, I froze" Froze adds a bit more of a "dramatic" theme to it xD
- "I looked back at Melody and Shu, dancing in the middle floor. My mind drifted off to imagining to if Kluke said yes."
. "Looking back at Melody and Shu dancing in the middle of the room, my mind began to drift off to imagining if Kluke said yes." Meh... I still don't like the last sentence of that phrase... There's one I'm having problems "critiquing" xD
- "My head fogged up and everything went back to the way it was before. Confusion, dizzyness, and nausea, flashing lights, clones of people, blaring, misunderstanding music."
. "My head fogged up and everything went back to the way it was earlier; confusion, dizzyness, nasue, flashing lights, clones of people, and blaring misunderstanding music." So much...
Well all in all, the resolution of this fanfic was very... ironic. I expected Jiro to go up and ask her, but he didn't. Oh well. What can I say though, he's pretty shy? ;)
It was pretty good and I'm really looking forward to the remake :)