|Reviews for When You Wish Upon a Lucky Star|
| Carl Ogren chapter 7 . 9/24/2012
i wish you would continue this story
| Mr. Kazoo chapter 7 . 10/8/2010
Kyle Justin pretty much summed up my main complaints about the story. This looks promising, but the big thing dragging it down is that you keep making the same, annoying grammatical errors over and over again, such as using "your" in place of "you're", and almost never using commas or semicolons where they are desperately needed. There are also a few instances where you appear to have misused a word, or were just sabotaged by the spell checker:
''Monsters like him don't deserve your symphony''
"...he writhed in pain as his hands got cut from landing onto loose stones." I'm pretty sure writhed is too strong of a word to describe the reaction from a minor cut.
A few mistakes here and there are certainly forgivable, especially since this is your first time writing a story, but there are glaring errors in almost every other sentence; it's really starting to detract from the experience of reading your story.
On a different note, as I read through these seven chapters, James' almost complete lack of a personality became more and more apparent. It's been three weeks, or so you've told us, and all he has ever done is sit around and be the pet of whoever happens to accompany him? It's almost like he doesn't have any sort of sense of self. I might expect this behavior from a five or six-year-old, but James is supposed to be sixteen?
Yeah, we see James occasionally reflect on how much his childhood sucked or how grateful he is for his new life, but other than that, we know nothing about him. How does he see life? What are his dreams and aspirations, if any? What does he like to do on the weekend? You don't have to tell us every little detail about him, but if he's going to be the focus of the entire story, then we need to get to know him.
Overall, it's not a bad story, you just need to clean it up. For future chapters, I'd suggest taking a break and sleeping on it after you finish writing the chapter, then coming back the next day and reading it again. When you read it with a fresh mind, it should help you to see any problems or inconsistencies with what you've written. You can do this as many times as you need until you think that it's ready for the internet to read.
Sorry if I seem a bit harsh, but I'll be looking forward to the rest of the story, and hopefully seeing you improve in your writing. :3
| Kyle J chapter 7 . 10/3/2010
Well then, I have finally gotten caught up with this story.
So consider this review a review of chapters 2-7.
First allow me to say that the premise of this story is wonderful. Though it is an unusual one, you managed to make this an enjoyable story with great character development, decent relationship builds, interesting situations, and an over all like able main character.
With all that said, it is now time to point out the flaws.
sentences are a bit broken. You don't add enough comas if any comas at all. Example, taken from chapter 7 "''I never said you were so did you have a good dream?'' smirked James" A coma is very much needed in that sentence.
2. You never add quotation marks. you add these things-""- called quotation marks when characters talk. These-''- don't count.
3. It is not uncommon for you to put the wrong character's name after dialog. Such as saying Miyuki asked Miyuki a question(Yes Miyuki did do that in chapter 6)
4. Just read this direct piece from chapter 5-
''It's not that, it's just that it comes out of nowhere, if you know what I mean'' said Matt who felt a little uneasy, having to review a Manga script when he was supposed to be looking for his new home-
Did you notice the problem? It is simple...WHO THE HECK IS MATT?
OTHER PROBLEMSMiyuki was a little out of character, how could even Tsukasa have been lost, Why didn't Kagami inform her parents of Tsukasa's situation, Yui had absolutely no reason to leave at all, it is illegal to beat children in California so how could an orphanage get away with it especially when they are examined every once in a while, We don't have orphanages in California we have foster homes(there is a difference)
and most of all..KONATA IS BEING WAY TO INCESTUOUS, IT IS STILL ILLEGAL FOR ADOPTED SIBLINGS! She definitely has been depicted as being rather lewd in other stories, but you have been pushing it a little too far...especially that piece in chapter 7, that belonged in the M section.
Now then with all that aside, this s turning out to be a pretty good story. I am very looking forward to see what will happen in the next chapter. You have successfully won me over with this story and I will continue reading it until it ends, even if the quality drops greatly. this is definitely going on my favorite stories list.
| Kyle J chapter 1 . 10/3/2010
I know this is only the first chapter out of the seven you have published, so I won't be super judgemental.
First off, the beginning of this chapter was really good. It was sad and yet interesting at the same time, it definitely made me want to finish the chapter.
Your writing style, though a little mixed between first and third person is actually pretty nice and easy to fallow.
This is certainly a story I will keep a watch over...after I read the other six chapters that is
| ronelm2000 chapter 7 . 10/3/2010
a little more description around the surroundings would help a lot. But don't force it too much. It'll especially be useful on things like 'dreams' were description is really necessary for the reader to be able to grasp the feeling of it.
But well other than that, this chapter was pretty much awesome!
| Drake Nolsa chapter 7 . 10/3/2010
Nice going, Hiyori is well, being Hiyori. Konata is getting very clingy to James as well.
I like the dream thing that's for sure. it was going into a very perverted level.
| Drake Nolsa chapter 6 . 9/11/2010
Child hood friends huh... James, you're going to have one hell of a time now.
This was good and cute. well done.
| Drake Nolsa chapter 5 . 8/27/2010
Well done my good sir. James is going to get Hiyori! I think it works well together.
Kagami is going to be a little more kinder now.
Keep it up.
| Yama soundwave chapter 5 . 8/27/2010
Amazing story, I love it. It's just that I'm so used to reading and writing konami, to much exposure... any way it just feels weird with them not liking eachother, so can you male some progress between them. It doesn't have to BE konami but at least like eachother. And if you have read hayate the combat butler, I saw kanata like the priest... Nit then I heard the ghost law. Do you think you could make some sort of exception? Any way it's great.
| Ryuji Sakamoto The Thief chapter 5 . 8/27/2010
Good story put up next chap soon
| DevilsFavDemon chapter 4 . 8/19/2010
Well, you have improved mate
I'll keep a watch
| ronelm2000 chapter 4 . 8/17/2010
You are one of the reasons I still hope for great fanfics.
It was very much great even from the start.
The characters were very much close to the canon.
Plus, putting the new character in the life of Konata was brilliant! I can't wait what happens in Konata's 3rd year. Patricia and Hiyori and James. O
| Drake Nolsa chapter 4 . 8/17/2010
Well, at least Jame met someone that could help at least. Keep it up.
| Drake Nolsa chapter 3 . 8/8/2010
Very nicely done. I like the story very well. A much different way of how Lucky Star started.
Patricia is going to come to Japan no doubt. The girl she falls for... If we want to stick to the usual pairings, Hiyori. She's always the one to stick with Patty.
| Yama soundwave chapter 2 . 8/4/2010
Nice story so far. I've never pictured Patricia as a lesbian. Who else are you going to make a lesbian? Any who, I'm going to follow and favorite this story.