|Reviews for Castlevania: The Crisis of the Belmont Clan|
| Suikorin chapter 1 . 8/8/2010
I have a headache. There was way too much dialogue without coherent change from one person to another. It feels as if you were trying to compact too many ideas in a short span. The dialogues, while philosophical, was way to lofty. I was confused most of the time.
Grammatically, it's good. Typically, fiction is written in past tense but you've managed it in present tense which is always impressive. A beta reader will do you good to catch the nasty misspellings here and there.
My suggestions to you:
1.) Pretend that your readers are idiots (aka, me, the reviewer) who never played the games. Pretend they don't even know who Alucard is (well, maybe not that far). I had a very hard time trying to understand who is present and who is talking.
2.) Read _Elements of Style_ by Lee Strunks and White. While your writing is technically near flawless, it suffers from weak sentence and verbose structure.
"Very few knew the spot they were heading for in Wallachia was not completely abandon [ex]cept for a few farmers near by outside Wygol Village."
Can be changed to:
"Their destination was outside Wygol Village in Wallachia, known only to a few of the local farmers."
There are many many examples that I can pull out. Less words to get the point across is close to godhood! One of the hardest lessons I ever learn in writing is that LESS IS MORE.
3.) Spell out numbers less than 1000.
4.) SLOW down. As I've mentioned before. You have some great ideas, but you seemed to assumed that the reader has the IQ of 200 and can instantly understand the message you're trying to convey. Descriptions of the weather, the cloths, the emotions can tie the reader to your fic and beg you to continue!
5.) Get a beta reader. Some people can avoid it since they're so good that a simple spell check would catch most things. Those people are freaks.
I will praise your ability to write so much in such a short time and finish. That is probably the greatest feat any author can achieve. I do believe that the more you write the better you get. Techniques can only get you so far.
I am interested in your story because you seemed to have a point to make, but I couldn't just bear to read it anymore. I'm sorry.
Please don't take this as a flame, just some suggestions.