|Reviews for Persona 3 Portable: The World of Ours|
| Diamond-Crest chapter 8 . 1/20
Any plans to finish this story?
| KhueNghi chapter 8 . 12/5/2012
can you please continue the story. I like it a lot
| Toon663 chapter 8 . 7/30/2012
great story hope you can make this story work out
| Fan of Fanfics21 chapter 8 . 2/20/2011
please update soon! I love this fic and I want to see more!
| Sir Godot chapter 8 . 11/16/2010
Good story, I love those where both Minato and the FemMC turn up, but not as siblings that grew up together.
I wonder, who did Igor refer to? Did he mean the characters of the previous games? Or was he talking about Minato? After all, you never really said from WHEN Minato is. Is he from the same time of the year as Hamuko or is it a secret?
| EpicPrinnyDood chapter 8 . 10/16/2010
Hey Memiroa I first want to start out by saying that this fic is one of the few Persona 3 fics I enjoy reading, though there is currently two questions i have that has been nagging at me.
First when Minato chose to cross over to Hamuko's universe what time period was he taken from, at the same point as Hamuko's time or farther ahead in the future?
Second question...did you get the name 'Kitaro' from a certian youtube video? I'm just curious. hahaha
| ArcanusTelos chapter 8 . 9/19/2010
I like it so far. And what Junpei-san said in one chapter, about Minato's alias, makes me wonder what the alias means. I'll probably find out sometime, since... I don't think the author can reply to reviews? I haven't been here much though, so whatever. Anyway, I do love what's going on thus far. You really make it feel like the game, too.
| Anon chapter 8 . 9/19/2010
I find this fan fiction rather unique that despite it uses the whole, Minato and Hamuko twin thing, it is unique in its own way. Though this does make me wonder what exactly is the price of Hamuko and Minato... though I do have an idea what it is for both of them but I'm just going to wait unitl the next update if it would be verified or falsified...
Anyway, great work with the current development and I hope you update this fan fiction soon.
| katamariape chapter 8 . 9/11/2010
I have to say I am pleasantly surprised by this fic so far. There have been quite a few of these types of crossover's lately, but your's seems to be the only good one I've found.
All the characters seem to be, well in character; especially Junpei's not-completely-passive aggressive nature towards Minato, that honestly makes a lot of sense.
I'm definitely looking forward to see what, if anything, Hamuko will do about Saori; and also how Minato ends up interacting with his Social Links in this universe.
Keep up the good work.
| Absolute Destinyzero chapter 8 . 9/8/2010
Interesting chapter... Keep it up!
~Destinydeck soaring off~
| Varianto A chapter 8 . 9/6/2010
man this is awesome dude!
| Watashiwa-Nanashi chapter 8 . 9/6/2010
Nice Persona 2 reference. Quite amusing. I'm starting to suspect that Minato is from a completed P3 run: might explain his attitude towards everyone a bit better, and why he isn't so sad about leaving his world behind. He's already dead! And that's his punishment; he can't tell Hamuko what's coming.
My biggest issue with the story is how much time you spend focusing on reiterating stuff from the game. We know how the S. Links go, and there's very little variation here from the original story. Most of it I think is probably unnecessary.
I think you might not have needed to have Minato go by his Japanese fandom name; calling him Hamuko's cousin would explain a lot. Not that Junpei would buy it given how suspicious he's being.
| ritachi chapter 8 . 9/6/2010
Since I'm not cut for time like the last time you updated, I'll be WAY more thorough than ever. Meaning I will try to touch on everything I've thought about this story, even the technical writing that I usually don't touch with a ten-foot pole.
To be honest, I really didn't know what to expect from this chapter. I'm glad that it's longer and more focused; unfortunately, it also exposes a weakness in your writing (more on that later). I find it quite fascinating that by having Minato's true identity leaked, a social link would disappear. It's like saying that any more that Minato is immersed in this universe, the more it is erased. Or perhaps, the people Minato has never met along his journey is erased from Hamuko's universe. Whichever. But I really do like how this angle is played out. Unfortunately, it bears holes. You say that Hamuko faces consequences when she tells people that Minato's true identity and relation to her. However, earlier, it wasn't that Hamuko told Mitsuru. It was primarily the fact that Mitsuru deduced it herself. Minato merely gave her a hypothetical situation into why he could possibly exist (which, I keep forgetting to mention, is quite peculiar in that Mitsuru is willing to accept the hypothesis without any further investigation). So basically, I'm going to assume what you meant is that anyone who finds out, in any way, that Minato is her brother, she would be the one to suffer the consequences? Sounds rather flimsy to me. I mean, unfair to Hamuko. Sure, she deserves to be punished for contributing to Minato's appearance, but she doesn't deserve to be punished for granting information she didn't release.
Anyway, it's just something I thought about, rather vaguely. Your foreshadowing, well, you indicated they were subtle, so I wouldn't think many would see it. There was the Saori incident, and the Hermit boss foretelling Hamuko's downfall, and that's probably it. I think it's that your other events, like the SLs, overshadowed what you wanted to hint. Or what you wanted to emphasize.
Junpei's apprehension over Minato wasn't very well done. You have to remember what Junpei's character is. He fits the "best friend" archetype. In the beginning of the game, Junpei befriended Minato because he was being nice. But if you examine it further, he befriended Minato early on not to be nice, but to be Minato's go-to-guy. Minato is new in Tatsumi Port Island and Junpei has a subconscious desire to be needed and to be praised. He believed that Minato could fill that need by making Junpei the guy who knew more than Minato. Unfortunately, Minato ended up being better than Junpei at everything, thus crushing Junpei's already low self-esteem. In this story, Junpei did not get to see Minato's wild card power. He only heard about it. Therefore, he should not harbour any feelings of resentment over the guy. More often than not, Junpei would probably be the guy willing to show Minato around because Minato's new and Junpei would be his "senpai" in SEES. To have Junpei suddenly hold animosity towards Minato is short-sighted. If anything, Junpei would feel uneasy around Minato but he wouldn't feel threatened by the poor guy. And during this time, Junpei was infatuated with Chidori, so I doubt he'd care too much about Minato.
Elizabeth. Theodore. I love how you portray these two. They seem like very cute siblings, and you characterize it well. The idea of Igor telling Hamuko's fortune was well done, too. I'm not very high in tarot reading, so I can't tell for certain if the fortune that was told was accurate. So I'm gonna have to trust you on that. It did lead me to muse my own predictions for this story. I just hope that you don't disregard the fortune you set in this chapter. Utilize it and don't pull off some deus ex machina. Please don't.
Hamuko's quick bounce back to Shinjiro wasn't executed very well, either. I could believe that, upon seeing that Shinjiro was waiting for her, she decided to hang out with him. But if someone told you of your awaiting fate (especially from someone like Igor), I doubt you'd be in much of a mood to be peppy. If you had indicated clearly that Hamuko didn't want to be alone and she was using her hunger as an excuse to be with Shinjiro, it'd be more plausible. Especially if you showed, just a tiny bit, that Hamuko wasn't very energetic during the meal. Her hanging out with Shinjiro didn't have to be a "level up" in his SL. It could've been a random hanging out. Remember: by restricting yourself to following the plot so closely, you limit what you can write and expand on. I understand if you are thinking, "Shinjiro's SL levels up automatically so every meeting is important" but you can change that. Especially if it'll help your story.
Personally, I think the ending of the chapter would've been better if you didn't add Hamuko's thoughts. Like when she knew that Shinji was hiding a smile, Hamuko could've smiled in turn and stuffed her face. Actions do speak louder than words, or in this situation, thoughts. Don't be afraid of descriptions. Honestly. It's not about if other people don't want to read them. It's about you. Do you like writing descriptions? Do you like reading them? If you don't, then find a way that you can make them enjoyable to read. Even describing the vibe of the Velvet Room, or the glum state Hamuko is in after learning about Saori helps a lot. Think of writing like making a meal. It is cut into components. There's plot (the meat), descriptions (the vegetables), and dialogue (the appetizers/dessert). You have to see that relying too much on one without understanding the significance of the others weakens the impact of your story onto readers.
Now, onto the technical stuff. After reading the below, you'll know why I hate writing it. Personally, I do avoid pointing these out. But it's been a constant eyesore (to me) since it doesn't show any sign of leaving.
Your writing (YW): pulling out a tray of Takoyaki from the Iwatodai Station
Takoyaki shouldn't be capitalized. It's not a proper noun, like a place or person. If you want to indicate it's not an English word, just italicize it.
YW: "By all means," Theodore nodded.
No need for comma. It should be "By all means." Theodore nodded. Only use comma if it follows a dialogue-specific verb, like "said" or "replied".
YW: "The Judgment, in the reversed position. It is not uncommon to find this card inverted, for this is a very difficult step in your evolution of consciousness."
"There may be a serious flaw, clearing has not been achieved. Guilt, which is part of not forgiving self, can be the result of assuming more responsibility than is one's lot..."
Since Igor's talking in both paragraphs, you don't need the second quotation mark (after "consciousness"). If it's two different people speaking in the two paragraphs, then feel free to use the quotation mark after "consciousness", but be sure to indicate who's talking if it isn't clear.
YW: You still fear that there will be risk and sacrifice in your decision to abandon your worldly values and plunge into the depths of "Self" to seek the inner reality needed to become whole - but from this sacrifice, from your willingness to put aside the world for a while and experiment with the 'inner' experience will come enlightenment and renewal."
"Self" shouldn't use two quotation marks. Only one. 'Self'. Quotations within quotations should not use the same quotation mark. I.e., Using one quotation marks if within a double quotation mark sentence. Use double quotation marks if withing a single quotation mark sentence. I also question why it's capitalized, but you might be emphasizing something I'm not understanding.
Your usage of the hyphen is also questionable. Try to avoid it because I don't think you are using it correctly.
YW: Hamuko swallowed her unease on the subject and continued. "…Why didn't you tell me sooner?"
A comma after "continued" would be correct, not a period. A colon would work, too, especially if you're going for extra emphasize.
YW: "…Until then," He spoke in his airy voice,
No need to capitalize "he". Not a proper noun.
With the above mistakes, I find that sometimes you actually write them correctly. But then at other times, you don't. I think it's all due to you lacking any thorough proofreading skills. A beta would be key if you're too lazy to do that. But it'd be good to gain those habits for writing, especially with the way your writing is evolving into something more personable.
Though this is a preference style since I like to write in a format that closely resembles published novels, but don't bold thoughts. Like I said, this is just what I like; you may like bolding thoughts. But personally, I rather have thoughts put into italics. Same with flashbacks ingrained into the story. Fuuka's voice through Lucia can also be used with italics as long as you indicate it as so. But like I said, it all depends on you.
There was something else I had to say, but I can't seem to recall what it exactly was. Oh well, I doubt it was anything truly important. My only advice is don't limit yourself into the box of the canon story. If you want to, then try to transition through it cleanly. That is your biggest drawback now: your transitions from scene to scene, emotion to emotion, action to action. When you write the canon characters, think of their canon motivations and then think what would they do in your universe. It's a lot of work, but it pays off.
P.S. Unrelated note, but do you know any good P3/P stories about Hamuko and Minato as siblings? Or anything worth mentioning?
Thanks for updating so quickly this time 'round. :)
| RyougaZell chapter 8 . 9/6/2010
Hmmm. I have mixed feelings with this chapter.
While I like the idea of their 'Sins' their 'Punishments' and how Minato's punishment reflects what happened to Tatsuya... what is happening to Minako is not that of my liking.
I mean... sure... the loss of Saori doesn't really bother me, but Minako, even as she would be trying to hide things, acted just like if nothing had happened when she left with Shinjiro at the end.
Junpei seems to act a bit too jealous when his only concern shouldn't be the new guy, but rather Chidori.
And I still think Aigis is suspecting things. But... Minako herself won't be telling her... would a Social Link still be erased if any of them find things by themselves?
| Absolute Destinyzero chapter 7 . 9/3/2010
Okay... You improved. That's for sure. People already said I wanted to say... Oh well. Great chapter!
~Destinydeck soaring off~