|Reviews for Serpentine|
| Guest chapter 23 . 4/6/2014
While I really like the story, your grammar is a bit grating on my nerves with certain words. For instance, you constantly write combined words separately that when read almost has the sentence make no sense, i.e. paper work, some where, water falls, any one, etc. They should be paperwork, somewhere, waterfalls, anyone. It can get confusing at times trying to understand exactly what you mean when you don't have the words written correctly. I would suggest you find a beta to help.
| Silverstargirl chapter 26 . 3/5/2014
I always thought that Fleur's children were female because she is Veela. Male children are only very rarely born to Veela (to the point of being practically unheard of), so Bill's family's tendency for boys was overridden by her genes...
| chelle chapter 26 . 3/5/2014
It's spelled Rotorua.
| madnessdownunder2 chapter 32 . 2/17/2014
very nice! There is very little about Charlie in canon, other than he works with dragons! In fandom it's almost established he's gay, this is definately one of the fun ones! Great work! On to the sequel. Just a couple of things, your grammar's slightly off. It's ROUGH not ruff, SUIT , not sweet. take a look through it!
| madnessdownunder2 chapter 17 . 2/17/2014
very nice! I love New Zealand too! I think people forgets just how far south it is! It not that far from the south pole, roughly where Norway is in the north, not that far from the Artic circle!An believe it or not it CAN actually snow in the south island in December! Great chapter!
| daithi4377 chapter 3 . 2/15/2014
You would think after seven years they would know not to go after his family lol. He can take all the crap himself but he will not tolerate abuse of any kind of his family.
| Wolfisis chapter 31 . 2/8/2014
loved your chapters.
| CreslinWest chapter 19 . 1/9/2014
So I was wrong about the older lover, but I hope I'm not wrong when I say that Hermione is basically going to tell Ron where he can stick his drunken b***h of a sister.
Great story so far I love charlie/harry stories and this one is fantastics believable and well-paced.
| CreslinWest chapter 18 . 1/9/2014
My guess for the mysterious older man is Ludo Bagman.
I'm enjoying this story so far, although I had a bit of a laugh when you described a South Island summer as being "subtropical", NZ has a fairly temperate climate but it could hardly be described as subtropical. I'm currently live in Brisbane, which IS subtropical and I've lived in Queenstown which is decidedly not.
| sweety.candy1 chapter 3 . 1/4/2014
You know you use that phrase a lot 'insert characters name here' tried to calm ijust something I noticed anyway I like your story and I hope you write more
| Mila Pink chapter 32 . 12/2/2013
I loved the travel, and dragons!
They make a cute couple.
Ginevra and Molly surpassed madness.
| Guest chapter 5 . 10/13/2013
Romanian food is not a bit odd. It is downright WEIRD. They drink sour milk and eat calves' brains and pigs' feet.
| Jay chapter 4 . 8/21/2013
Your story is good. Rather, I should say that it has the potential to be good. It needs a lot of work, but it could be a seriously amazing story. Here are my thoughts so far:
1. Please, please learn the basic rules of English. There are so many grammar mistakes that your meaning often gets lost. For example, punctuation is a good thing. Punctuation is your friend. There needs to be punctuation before dialogue. This seems to be a foreign concept to you, but I promise that it's a fundamental rule of the language. Everything makes more sense if punctuated properly.
2. Everything can be fleshed out more. Everything. The section at the Malfoys' dinner party was super interesting, but so vague. In fact, that describes basically this entire story - super interesting but hard to imagine because the language is imprecise and so few details are given. The effect is that your prose is very childish and really a chore to read.
3. Beta readers are wonderful people. You should get a beta reader to hash out ideas and help you edit. Seriously, editing - it's an amazing thing that you can do which will make your story make sense. Beta readers will help you edit and help you improve your story. Getting one will do wonders.
4. Back story. You need back story. Have you any idea how disconcerting it is for Remus to have adopted Harry out of the blue and you never even explained that it had happened? There are little comments, like when Ron comments on Harry's 'birth father' but, really, you need to talk about these things in detail. Lucius Malfoy and Xenophilius Lovegood going into business together? I'm sure there's a good explanation behind it but as it stands, it makes absolutely no sense. Give us a page, or a couple of paragraphs, about how those two suddenly get along. Same with Remus dating Snape, of all people. We need to know these things! It's so confusing to have non sequiturs like those dropped on us.
5. Characterization is essential in a story like this. It makes or breaks it. Right now, only the characters you're bashing have a solid personality. Harry is wishy-washy, as if his only solid personality trait is that he's homosexual and hasn't yet realized it. The Weasley brothers (Charlie, Fred, and George) seem interchangeable, as if you're just putting names next to dialogue based on who hasn't spoken in a while. And Snape - Snape, no matter how much he's changed for being in a relationship with Remus, does not say "Hello all" to former Gryffindors. Not even to annoy them. He's just not chirpy like that.
Please don't read this review as a flame. I'm not flaming you. I'm genuinely interested in this story and immensely disappointed that it hasn't reached its potential. In an effort to help you, I give you these tips, fully expecting that they will be ignored. I expect, too, that this review will be deleted because of its (admittedly critical) contents.
Hoping that you'll consider these suggestions,
| MiranDuranDa chapter 2 . 6/19/2013
There's something a little...stilted about the way this is written. I'm not really sure how to explain it, but sometimes things are repeated that don't need to be or other points or events are glossed over and rushed through. It feels like you don't really want to write this part; like you want to get on to the action and main arc so this just got mashed together to give the reader the minimum of what they would need to understand the story...
| Sakura Ichigo Morihiko chapter 12 . 4/18/2013
I don't know if you're a Hetalia fan or if you have no idea what I'm talking about, but I've noticed something about this Ginny.
She reminds me of Belarus from Hetalia so much it's uncanny. Totally obsessed with a powerful man and convinced that they will get married. Thing is, this Ginny doesn't go stalking Harry and chanting "Marry me, marry me, marry me, marry me" over and over and over.