|Reviews for A Mild Break in Routine|
| AlithiaSigma chapter 1 . 6/9/2014
Surprisingly good, especially for any kind of self insert.
| Khiori chapter 1 . 4/3/2013
This just plain hilarious-and exactly right. It flowed smoothly and felt real. It was really delightful to see a JL story of 'normalness' in the villains' lives. Gave them substance and realness, which even the bad guys deserve in stories.
Would love to see you do a story of an accidental meeting of good and bad guys doing something normal, like grocery shopping or at PetCo or the post office or something.
As always, it is fun to read your work. You've got mad skills. ;)
| Rhea Silverkeys chapter 1 . 8/25/2010
Hello! I'm here as one of the judges for the challenge.
I enjoyed reading this, and I liked your character/self-insert. Loved that he thought they were just normal people dressed up when they were actually the real villains! I thought some of your sentences were a tiny bit long-winded, but that could just be me.
It was a nice read and I liked your character!
| Wildcard999 chapter 1 . 8/19/2010
Overall, I thought this was a very interesting take on the challenge itself, as well as on superhero fics in general. There wasn't enough dialogue, let alone enough personal knowlege of the characters involved to determine characterization, but I thought the way you set up your premise was very believeable and creative. I can't think of too many other reasons for supervillains to behave themselves in a drive-thru.
Spelling and grammar were impeccable, which is a rare sight indeed and I commend you on your effort and excecution there. I didn't even see glaring word repetition either. Everything was varied and well spaced. There were just a few other issues. And though it may LOOK like a lot, it really isn't. I just have a lot to say on the subject (I'm sure you can commiserate).
/In one of those locations, in a place along the coast that could qualify as a large town or a very small city, depending on whom you asked, a woman named Rosario Henriquez was currently wearing the headset which let her take orders from drive-through customers./
Holy crap, you have some long sentences here. Do they really need to be so long?
/Rosario automatically went through her, "Welcome to McTavish's!" spiel…/
Stop that sentence here. This is Rosario’s POV, Rosario’s lines and all about Rosario. But the rest of the sentence and the rest of the paragraph is all about the driver ordering food. Never change POV mid-sentence or mid-paragraph. At least wait until the next paragraph to do that. Honestly, it easily breaks right here.
Also missing a comma before the quotations.
/…and could they please pull forward—she pointed to an area—and wait there?/
I hate dialogue in prose, especially so much of it. I realize all that dialogue seems annoyingly meaningless to you because you heard it so much or something, but try not to let your disdain for the fast food business bleed through in your writing. It’s not helpful to your story, in fact it can be hurtful. Glancing over dialogue because it doesn’t rate being written out even though there’s nothing wrong with it can confuse and annoy your readers. It’s one of those things where you don’t necessarily know why it bugs you, but it does because it just doesn’t make sense to you to see it like that.
/(Dell still didn't understand how that had happened to begin with; had the guy taken off the plastic lid before deliberately turning the cup upside down and letting everything slosh out as an artistic statement of some sort?)/
Actually no. Those lids fall off at the slightest bit of impact. Just look at the spill pattern. If there’s directionality, making it look like a volcanic eruption \/ then the container hit the floor and chained the mouth’s shape just enough to pop the lid off. If it looks more like a starburst, the lid fell off on the way down. If it looks EXACTLY like a starburst with most everything in the middle and no disturbance of the shape, he just dumped the whole thing on the floor.
Lol, I know, sounds like a weird thing to know. I watch a lot of crime shows (real and fictional) and the same basic principles apply to fallen milkshake as do apply to blood spatter. Everything points away from the point of impact.
You have a very long-winded way of saying things. I know I'm pretty long-winded here, but I figure you can follow this sort of thing and you strike me as the kind of guy that appreciates a thorough explanation. Plus, I'm not telling a story.
I’ve also noticed you are entirely too concerned with being specific and exact. Honestly, unless it impacts your story, there’s nothing at all wrong with letting the reader guess what you mean and having a chance of being wrong. You don’t have to tell us everything in such exact detail that nothing is left to chance or imagination. When people read a story, they EXPECT to use their imaginations. Trust your readers and leave the minutia to us. Just focus on the important things like ambiance and character development.
I’d also like to inform you that sentences with too many things in them are boring and tend to make all the information in them sound so much less important. Ex:
I’ve just had the worst day ever. I’m driving along when suddenly I get hit by another car, then a train clips my front end, then SUPERMAN lands in my backseat and the shockwave from his landing shoves my seat forward and I end up with a steering wheel digging into my ribs—the doctor said I was a couple millimeters from a punctured lung!
I’ve just had the worst day ever. I’m driving along when suddenly I get hit by another car. Then a train clips my front end. Then SUPERMAN lands in my backseat! Even worse, the shockwave from his landing shoves my seat forward and I end up with a steering wheel digging into my ribs! The doctor said I was a couple millimeters from a punctured lung!
Which made more of an impact?
That said, most of the information you have in parenthesis are unnecessary to the story. Counting from the beginning of the story (not including the A/N), 1, 2, 4, 5, 7 and 8 don’t help your story. They are implied, go without saying or make no difference one way or the other. Mostly implied already. 3 can easily be integrated into normal prose with improved results, and missing that does take something away. 6, while not entirely necessary, is also not entirely UNnecessary. I’d still suggest finding a more appropriate place for it. Afterthoughts break up the normal rhythm of a story and add a lot of length to whatever sentence they interrupt. And you’re sentences do not need extra length.
/Dell had cooked up another two dozen meat patties in case of contingencies, so he was washing his hands when the tiny printer in the grill area started buzzing./
As normal prose, the sentence, though the same approximate length, doesn't seem nearly as long when it's not interrupted by an afterthought. You may not be used to this in verbal story-telling, but with written stories you can go back and edit in missing info if you remember more, rather than leaving it as an innapropriately placed afterthought. Especially when it's so long that people forget where they were before the interruption. Lucky for me, I've started editing stuff like this out before I start reading. I got tired of the spelling mistakes and marathon paragraphs.
If there is anything you'd like clarified or want to explain or dispute, feel free to send me a PM. I'm from the WA and more interested in stimulating conversation than being right.
| shadowphantomness chapter 1 . 8/5/2010
I found the inability to give anonymous reviews irritating, but I really liked this story! It's nice seeing Star Sapphire as less than hideously annoying the way she is portrayed, and fast food is fun.
| Kyer chapter 1 . 8/1/2010
Ugh..service industry work. I feel your (remembered) pain.
For some odd reason, I kept expecting one of the other customer groups to be the JLA...with just as big an order what with Flash on board...asking if anyone has spotted a suspicious looking suv recently?