|Reviews for Zelda: Downpour|
| Senrith chapter 5 . 8/28/2012
remember remember the gunpowder treason and plot
simply a work of art don't you say?
| Fate Deteriorator chapter 5 . 7/6/2012
This is bloody brilliant! I am begging you to pick this story up again. And if that doesnt work: do it for evey and zelda! Haha sorry couldnt resist.
| tiny-changeling chapter 3 . 8/4/2010
I like how he's so self absorbed. Like, "Yeah, only I can do this," sort of absorbed. I hope that plays out as a sort of path to a weakness in the future, because if it does I will be very proud of you as a fellow writer.
I only have a few small complaints about this entire chapter;
- "I decided to visit an old friend of mine that day. I walked into the Tavern dressed in my usual garb: black long coat, dark green dress pants with small white ruffles on the bottoms, nearly-knee high brown boots, a dark green dress shirt to accompany my pants, a white undershirt with small ruffles on the ends of the sleeves, and my black wide-brimmed hat. I may be a thief and an assassin, but I dress like a gentleman."
I understand that you're trying to reflect a bit of his character here, but truth be told if it takes more than a single line to describe your character's clothes, you're going a bit too far. In all honesty, readers really don't *care,* and people like me would much rather skip to the flesh of the chapter rather than have clothing descriptions shoved down our throats. Truth be told, I really only skimmed through this part, and I think that proves my point enough.
Also, did you come up with Locoweed, or is that a legitimate drug? Either way, it sounds cool... XD *Is a noob* Spellcheck isn't complaining about it so I'm assuming it's real, but I just have to ask. :P
- The ending was the only time I remembered I was reading a diary entry. Maybe cut back on the dialog, and just note what was talked about in scenes that aren't *so* important? Like the beginning... I think the discussion at the end was fine, but you need to vary between diary entry status and being descriptive, otherwise it makes the cut to the end very awkward.
Oh, one more thing.
- "and her lips.
Those beautiful lips.
I found myself focusing on her thick lips..."
Okay, we get it. They're lips. You used this word a lot; why not replace one of them (I reccomend the third one) with just the word "mouth"? Right now it's really repetitive.
That's all I had to complain about. XD;;
- "Women are complicated creatures and complications only delay things."
Damn skippy. :\ I think this was a good statement towards his personality... and even though it's an overused cliche I found myself smiling at this part. Bravo.
| tiny-changeling chapter 2 . 8/4/2010
'Nother review for your best girl evar. :D Beware, for I am the box ghost.
You may want to put in an author's note that this is meant to be laid out like a diary entry. (At least, that's the way I'm reading it.) Simply because your change in tense comes off as a little confusing. For instance, "Walking through the slums today, wet rag over my mouth to keep out as much smog as possible, I came across the carcass of a dead dog." Anyone who wasn't aware of this being written as a journal entry may nab you for the change in tense. Just something to keep in mind.
- "Continuing on, I passed by a few guardsmen or henchmen I suppose I should call them."
You need to separate the concept of guardsmen and henchmen. This sentence needs either a comma, a semicolon, or an ellipses. Right now it's really awkward.
- "We live here, we breed here, and we die here."
I liked this whole paragraph as far as ideals go, but this sentence in particular stood out. Really powerful.
- "If you thought Crossbows were bad, you have no idea."
This sentence seems a little purple. I mean, I get what you're trying to say, but it seems like you're trying to sound formal and somehow not succeeding. I dunno, something about it just feels like an awkward transition into the next paragraph.
- "...tearing holes in the target."
I'd use 'into' rather than just 'in.' It's just more specific, is all. Just a personal pet peeve.
- "...stomach bile leaks into the body..."
Did you mean 'from the body?' Otherwise I'm not sure what you're getting at...
- "and they're pretty much fucked."
Refreshing placement, made me laugh. XD
- "I drew my sword..."
I don't wanna bug you about this too much, but you may want to restrict what you call his weapon. I mean, I know what you're getting at by calling it a sword, but when I read 'sword,' 'scimitar,' and 'dagger,' I get three completely different images.
- "Upon returning home, I noticed that a symbol was scrawled onto the floor of my bedroom."
Character wise, I think his reaction towards this is a little too apathetic. Wouldn't you question it a little more up front?
That's the only critique I can offer. Your tone is fabulous, and your flow is easy to follow. Thus far, nothing very hard to chew. Eager to read on. :)
| tiny-changeling chapter 1 . 8/4/2010
Honest review, here we go~! :D
- "They tell legends in this world that a boy clothed in green will save us from destruction whenever the need arises.
I ask, where is this boy now?"
I dunno much about Zelda, but this just sits really well. Epic opening.
- "Every single day this city suffers under the oppression of its own government,"
Under, or due to? This sentence is just a little hard to swallow.
- "I'm talking about Baron Von Gaught"
This is more a personal pet peeve, but 'talking about' sounds a bit too informal. ('speaking of'?) But I mean, this may just be the way your character talks, and since it's in first person there's not much I can say to argue against it. Just pointing it out, regardless.
- "Castle Town, ever since the Great Discovery has"
Comma after discovery, before has. Assuming you're trying to make 'ever since the Great Discovery' a separate idea.
- "...or are ignoring the obvious truth..."
Considering how angry the character is, this seems a little weak. I'd imagine something like, 'or simply choose to avoid blablablah' etc, etc. Dunno, that 'or are' just bugs me considering the power behind the ideas presented.
- "I'll do it for Hyrule and nothing else, because heroes don't always show up and save everything like Legends say."
This one sentence makes me really like this guy already. The rest of it just makes it cooler.
Over all, you've got a good introduction here. It's intriguing, and I'm sure fans of Zelda can say so with more to back it up. My only advice is to keep in mind that writing in first person doesn't mean you can't spice things up a bit, regardless of the informal tone.