|Reviews for Fallen|
| SaoirseParisa chapter 2 . 3/9
I know you said to only review chapter two, but I went and read chapter one just as a warm up. Thank you for explaining the source material (I'm actually interested in checking it out if I have the time). First off: I really love the attention to detail you're putting into everything. From trading blows in battle to the characters' interactions, you really made me feel as though the Mystic Knights are real friends who actually have some chemistry together, even though the readers are only just introduced to them. I think the first chapter helps in that you set everything up and show the characters just doing their thing before throwing the readers into the action. I'm a big believer in taking one's time before throwing someone into the meat of the story, so it comes off as less jarring. Kudos to you for that!
However, I do think there are a bit too much descriptions near the end. I like that you're focusing less on forced dialogue and more on the actual fighting, which is good, but I think the many paragraphs you have at the end might be a bit more digestible if you add in some extra lines here and there so it doesn't feel as though the readers are reading walls of text. Plus, I know the story is about Queen Maeve wanting to defeat the Mystic Knights, but exactly why does she do it? Was there a reason provided for in the show? Granted, this is only the second chapter, so for all I know you might develop them later on, but at this point, Maeve and the Four Generals just seem like typical 80s kids show villains.
Even so, this seems like a great story you've woven, so far! I'm sure many Mystic Knights fans will love it!
| ALetteredWoman chapter 1 . 1/10
Hi! Here from Writers Anonymous for the short review game.
I'm coming in canon-blind.
Overall, the chapter is a light-hearted start to your story. It has a Three Musketeers feel to it, brothers in arms enjoying some time off to challenge each other, with no serious threat on the horizon, though it appears at the end of the chapter.
First off, due to the scattering of epithets ("the brown-haired man", "the Mystic Knight of Earth", "The Knight of Fire"), I felt a little bit like I had stumbled into a logic puzzle. If this is Tuesday, and this is the dark-haired man, he must be Angus, the Knight of...um. Fire? I think. I understand not wanting to overwhelm readers with who is what when you first introduce them, but a quick "Golden-haired Rohan, the Mystic Knight of x and leader of all the Mystic Knights, usually would use this type of down-time to teach the Royal Guards a few tricks..." etc. when they come on the scene would help clueless readers like me.
"Oh, I'm afraid, you'll never find out." Take the second comma out.
"...throughout his entire life had made the formed thief..." "Formed" should be "reformed" or "former".
"He pushed Angus off himself..." You don't need "himself" here, because the context is that Angus is on top of him, rather than, say, on top of a water bucket or something else.
"And if he was being honest...", "But to his relief...", "And Ivar wholeheartedly agreed.", "But, as usual, it was Angus who..." I'm not a stickler for the "rule" about not beginning sentences with "and" or "but"; however, I think you really don't need them in these instances.
Okay, sorry, just realized that Rohan is the Knight of Fire. Oops! Now do you see about the logic puzzle I talked about earlier? ;-)
"...until Maeve' next move." Should be "Maeve's".
"Next time I'll get in trouble..." should be "Next time I get in trouble..."
"...looking very uncomfortable and spared the princess..." Do me a favor, and separate those clauses with a comma.
"...so we wouldn't notice them until it's too late..." Change "it's" to "it was".
"...now nearly collapsed into the princess' arms, hadn't Rohan caught him in time." This is awkward. Perhaps "...now nearly collapsed into the princess' arms, but Rohan caught him in time."?
"...watched as the warrior drowned the liquid greedily." "Drowned" should be "downed".
If the Temrans are "very deep into Kells", then they shouldn't be on the shoreline still?
Is the "Sea Serpent" their nickname for the Temrans? Or a particular Temran warrior?
And then they're off, to fight for Kells! Yay! The way you end the chapter, on a mild cliffhanger, makes the reader eager to continue. Good job all around.
| Ealasaid Una chapter 17 . 2/26/2014
will rohan find out.? is deirdre ok?
| Ealasaid Una chapter 16 . 2/26/2014
Will Rohan forgive her?
| sylverhawk chapter 24 . 8/1/2012
Wow! Geniale Story, ich hab mich gerade zwei Stunden lang daran festgelesen (habe gerade mal wieder einen "Mystic Knights Memorial Moment", LOL), absolut super! Ich habe Garrett ein wenig vermisst, er ist schon mein Favorite, aber Angus kommt gleich danach, von daher war es schön, mal eine Story zu lesen, in der er eine zentrale Rolle spielt! Ganz große Klasse, danke für die Story! Ich hoffe, da kommt noch mehr? ;o)
| Anima of the lost chapter 24 . 1/4/2012
Wow. Ich hätte nicht gedacht dass du es so enden lassen würdest, das schreit ja geradezu nach einer Fortsetzung. Ich für meinen Teil freue mich auf jeden Fall wenns die dann auch gibt ;)
Es war immer reines Vergnügen deine Fanfiction zu lesen und sie ist wirklich eine Bereicherung für jeden Fan der Serie.
| mousemousemouse chapter 24 . 1/2/2012
soo amazing! i'm inspired to write my own Mystic Knights Fan fic! i hope you will write more! _
| Disco-Freak chapter 24 . 1/2/2012
This really is a bittersweet ending. As much as I am so glad that you updated, it is sad to see this story end. It was really great, and made a fantastic addition to the collection of MK fanfics on this site. I can't wait to read your next story, please post it soon! Thank you, thank you, thank you! :)
PS: Great taste in music!
| Disco-Freak chapter 23 . 12/28/2011
I'm so glad that you updated this story! Thank you so much - this was a pleasure to read, and I can't wait for the next chapter!
| Anima of the lost chapter 23 . 12/26/2011
Geniales Kapi! Du hast es echt super hinbekommen die verschiedenen Reaktionen der Mystischen Ritter auf Angus' Erwachen zu beschreiben: Grundstimmung ist bei allen natürlich Erleichterung, wobei es für Ivar gleichzeitig das Signal zum Aufbruch ist was dann wieder gemischte Gefühle in ihm auslösen dürfte. Deirdre fühlt sich schuldig wegen ihrer harschen letzten Worte und Rohan möchte einfach nur seinen besten Freund zurück und will nicht wahrhaben dass es ihn womöglich für immer verändert hat. Das hast du wirklich super gemacht, ich ziehe meinen (imaginären) Hut vor dir.
Und natürlich noch Rohan und Deirdre, da geht mir richtig das Herz auf wenn ich das lese *schmacht*
Ich bin gespannt was du im letzten Kapi noch für uns bereithältst und hoffe natürlich dass das noch diese Woche kommt! Ansonsten wünsch ich dir auch schonmal n guten Rutsch ;)
| mousemousemouse chapter 23 . 12/26/2011
I really lOve this! Thanks for updating again! I hope you will write more MK stories, you have a great talent for storytelling _
| mousemousemouse chapter 1 . 12/13/2011
i love love love love this! please update soon! _
| FaithInLove chapter 22 . 11/1/2011
Loved it! Can't wait for the next chapter. I'm glad you chose not to draw out the Rohan-Deidre scene into something "angstier". There are to many of those stories out there already. This was simple, beautiful and realistic. I repeat: loved it!
| Disco-Freak chapter 22 . 10/26/2011
Amazing! I know you just updated, but I'm so ready to read more. You said you were writing another story, and I cannot wait to read it. So excited, thank you for providing this for us! :)
| Anima of the lost chapter 22 . 10/25/2011
Ah *schmacht* wie schöööööööön *.* Endlich haben es die zwei Mal geschafft, das muss ich ja gleich nochmal lesen :D
Aber wirklich sehr sehr schönes Kapi, auch dass nicht gleich alles Friede-Freude-Eierkuchen is. Kommt noch 1 Kapi?